


The world turn upside down

by MagicalGhost96



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Anxiety, Aro Simon Fairchild, Canon-Typical The Web Content (The Magnus Archives), Crushes, Everybody Lives, Fear of Death, Fear of Discovery, Jon saves the worl but it gets scrambled, Jonah Magnus is having an existential crisis at 13, Jonah the web and beholding, M/M, No beta we kayak like Tim, Paranoia, References to Depression, Self-Doubt, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, The Other World, ace peter, and everybody gets a second chance, eating issues, fear of judgement based on your sexuality, he will have a really bad time and it will be sad, i will make the content i want, is it what he thinks it is?, jon is a teacher, some people remember some dont, the web is there and is making a boy have a very bad time, what if, who knows - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:21:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 66,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29079291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicalGhost96/pseuds/MagicalGhost96
Summary: When the water is ready he pours it and adds honey only-“Two spoons and a little milk Jon i know you like it”Jon clenches his jaw and takes a sip.Tears fall.Martin Martin MartinAnd like that it floods him, its not gentle and it hurtsIts like he told Basira It felt like a door was holding back the force of knowing, only now the door got busted and Jon rememberedEverything.The world that was is still present, and some people can remember.
Relationships: Elias Bouchard | Jonah Magnus & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Elias Bouchard/Peter Lukas, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Peter Lukas/Jonah Magnus, Simon Fairchild & Peter Lukas
Comments: 22
Kudos: 72





	1. Jon

Jon dreams about papers and recorders, of people whose faces he can never make out, but they feel important, like he should know.

The dreams don't happen often, once every few months, they're not unpleasant albeit, albeit he thinks sometimes he forgets something else, something important. Only once he woke up crying in bed when he was 9 making his mom rush in asking what was wrong, but by the time she managed to ask him, he had forgotten what it was.

Only the terror remained.

He was an odd child, picky about what he liked to read, loved to ask too many questions, he had a hard time making friends let alone relating to them and he had a tendency to wander off on his own if he was too focused on something. His parents worried about him, but they always tried to help him out, his mother was like him, bored about most book topics, so she encouraged him to read different things and later on tell her what he had liked so they could discuss it.

It felt good to be acknowledged.

While growing he had an interest in horror and ghost stories, but only as he told his dad once, only the real ones.

What counted as such was difficult to discern sometimes he would read a book about supposed paranormal happenings, but close it after the second page somehow knowing that it was fake. That it was a lie.

When he was 8 he stayed at his grandmother's house for a few days, because his dad had a mild car accident and was in the hospital, it wasn't bad or serious, but they wanted to make sure everything was fine and his mom stayed with him.

His grandmother found his incessant questions and pickiness annoying, he could tell. But she did go and pick different books for him to read. One of them was about a spider.

A guest for mister spider.

Jon felt dread like he had never felt before, like something was screaming at him to throw the book and leave, but he didn't, Jon wanted to know what it was.

Opening it he started to read, yet-

Yet nothing happened, he sat under a tree in the park and read the short book, it was for childrens yet it felt menacing. Once he reached the last page he closed it and stared at the cover waiting for something.

Anything.

Yet nothing came, a boy, older than him gave him a funny look, but he did not approach him. Jon was only staying for a week and didn't know anyone.

It felt wrong, hollow somehow. He checked the book but found nothing unusual.

Somehow he felt as if something had to be there a plate with a name that would bring alarm and anger and-

REGRET BLOOD DEAD

Shaking his head he holds the book tightly but decides to dump it in the trash.

He felt proud about it.

Its when he is fifteen that he knows.

It was a perfectly good day, his mother was out shopping and his dad was working and Jon was alone at home and suddenly got a craving for tea. Checking the pantry he could not find anything until he reached his hand waaay into the back and found a small box.

Taking it out he saw there were lots of different flavours, so he parsed through them unenthusiastically. But one of them made him look, the brand and flavour were nothing to say about, but the feeling he got.

The feeling of pure longing hit him like a freight train.

Holding the counter while his breaths speed up he tried to think why.

Why longing? Longing for who?

Why the tea out of anything at all?

Still shaking he picks it and starts to prepare a cup mechanically, it felt as if the answers were right there and even if he didnt want them, he needed to know.

When the water is ready he pours it and adds honey only-

_ “Two spoons and a little milk Jon i know you like it”  _

Jon clenches his jaw and takes a sip.

Tears fall.

Martin Martin  _ Martin _

And like that it floods him, its not gentle and it  **_hurts_ **

Its like he told Basira It felt like a door was holding back the force of knowing, only now the door got busted and Jon remembered

_ Everything _ .

Mr spider, Georgie, the institute, Tim, Sasha? or NotSasha, Martin, being head archivist, pain, fear, terror, avatars, Beholding, Daisy, Basira, Melanie, Peter Lukas,  **_Elias_ ** and the apocalypse that he was forced to start, the tower, the panopticon, he remembers saying goodbye to Martin, he remembers smiting Jonah. All of it crashes down on him and Jon- 

Screams.

Maybe for minutes, maybe for hours, but eventually he is on the floor clutching his head and sobbing.

He stays curled up until his head stops pulsing and he just has a headache.

By the time his parents arrived, he cleaned the broken mug and was in his room laying on bed.

Jon didn't understand.

He died, he knew he did there was no other way.

But now… now he is at home, with parents who never died, with a book that did nothing and hadn't said from the library of Jurgen Leitner on it.

As if it had never existed.

Jon laughs until he cries and stays there all day.

By morning he decides to investigate, to make sure.

He calls the number that is burned in the back of his mind, he calls the institute's number.

….

“The number you have tried to reach doesn’t exist”

He calls again

“The number you have tried to reach doesn’t exist” Its always the same.

During the weekend he lies and says that he is going to hang out at the beach to his parents, but takes the train to reach London with any luck he would be back before they realize he lied.

Once there he takes the rights steps and goes to the place that made his life a living nightmare and he finds-

Nothing.

Another building but not an institute of any kind.

He starts to hyperventilate. 

Jon goes to a library next and looks for history books about Jonah Magnus.

The ones where he knows, he remembers, being information about him are all missing his name as if he never existed.

Jonathan Sims remembers a world of terror that no longer exists and he is alone.

Back home he locks himself in his room and can't wrap his mind about it, it was as if nothing ever happened, it was perhaps even better.

He decides to use this chance to make things better.

When his mom knocks worriedly asking if he is ok, he goes out and hugs her, in one life she was nothing but a picture. Here? Here she is real and is wonderful.

“What's gotten into you now?”

“Nothin, just- nothing mom, i love you that's all”

Time moves faster, Jon is soon finishing high school and he has decided what to do next, he doesn't know if Martin is the same, if he even exists here. He looked for certain people and some didn't even register anywhere, making him hesitant.

There was also the fact that he has been wrong.

Beholding wasn't gone, none of the fears were. But they were.. weak, tired, their power was minimal at best. He realized that when he found out himself knowing about how one of his classmates' dad hit him the day before just by looking at him.

He felt like he got the air knocked out of him, despite his panic nothing else came about. Jon didn't get random flashes about people’s lives anymore, just once every once in a while. It wasn't ideal, but it was better than the alternative.

Now he could notice little things, some people who had mist clinging to their feet, people who’s shadows seemed to loom and make them look tinier in comparasition. It was all subtle.

The world couldn't exist without fear and they couldn't disappear, but they could be weakened at the very least.

Jon didn't want to study the same thing as before, he wanted to help somehow, but didnt know how. It was his own teacher that made him realize even by accident what he could do.

“Honestly sometimes it felt you explained things better to the others than me, maybe you should be the teacher” It sort of clicked for him then.

He goes to college to become a teacher, its there that he meets Georgie again.

It was a complete accident, he had been looking to an address when he knocked into someone, and when he looked up to apologize-

There she was.

She looked good. Sha also did not seem to recognize him at all, Jon apologized quickly and left before she could say anything.

His heart was beating like crazy and he couldn’t keep out a smile. Because if Georgie is here, then maybe, just maybe, so are the others. And even if he is the only one to remember the world that was, they all could be happy and have a second shot at life. It hurt not to speak with her, knowing that he didn't even say proper goodbye before, but he knows that she would be better without him in her life. He does hope she can find Melanie again if anything.

Jon keeps meeting up with her on accident and he wonders if perhaps the web is having some form of say in this, there was no way it was a coincidence and he wouldn't put it past it to mess with him.

So he keeps avoiding her.

It lasts until he is eating half asleep when she drops a book in front of him.

“Do you have a problem with me?” Blinking confusedly he looks up at her.

“I-what?-N-no!”

“Then why do you run off everytime we end up in the same room? I have done nothing to you” She looks upset and Jon tries to reassure her.

“No! It's not you, its me, you um. remind me of someone i know and i just-”

“Hate them?” She raises an eyebrow and crosses her arms.

“I don't hate them, but we- we never got to say goodbye and apologize and its-” He really needs to control his ramblings even now, he can't seem to stop.

“I- Relax i didn't mean to scare you, i just thought there was something wrong and besides, i feel like i should…heh its weird, but it feels like i should talk with you, and i know it sounds like a really bad pick up line, but it isn't i swear its like i have this feeling that i should know…”

She gets a far away look and Jon wonders if its him, maybe he is the catalyst for people remembering? Then again that is probably too self centered. Letting out a breath he nods.

“Yeah, i know, know how that feels and im not- not just saying it i mean it”

“Huh, for some reason… I believe you. My name is Georgie Barker, perhaps i should have started with that, you?” Swallowing nervously he offers his own name.

“Jonathan Sims a pleasure to meet you”

They talk and it's nice, it was like before all of it, when it was just the two of them being friends from college. They keep meeting up, she never brings up the feeling like she knew him again and he is glad, albeit a little disappointed.

The main difference from his Georgie and the one from before was ironically fear.

She could be scared, he didn't notice at first, for she acted as he recalled, but when she let out a yell when she invited him to watch a horror movie by a scare, he realized that she was no longer missing that part of her.

Georgie acted slightly different and it was like an axis got tilted, but in a good way, her responses didn't feel as… detached and when he admitted he was afraid about something, she actually related to him. Jon never noticed before how she would act regarding his fears, as if they were somewhat irrational, she tried to be supportive but it felt flat. 

Now? Now it was genuine.

He also realized that sometimes she seemed surprised by it, as if she had some form of delay into realizing something was scaring her.

Things continued for months like that until she asked him out.

Jon floundered.

“Im- im sorry Georgie i really can't…” She didn't look upset per se , more like resigned.

“I had a feeling you would say that, so my next question is perhaps weirder still but… do you want to room with me? Nothing weird, just i was looking to share rent with someone and well… you are my friend” Oh.

“Wouldn't it be weird?”

“No, i don't think so, i mean i'll let you know if i bring someone over '' He splutters and she laughs.

“I meant about asking me out and then asking to move in?”

“Like i said i was already prepared for that, i'm not mad, so?” Honestly? He would like to stay somewhere nice and living with her as friends sounded good.

For her it was the admiral that did it.

They wanted a cat so they went to the shelter, Jon was walking looking at some kittens when she made a gasp and he turned, a small fluffy tabby cat was looking at her, 

Jon’s heart clenched, it was the Admiral, he remembers now.

Georgie starts crying and holding the animal closer to her chest and Jon realizes what just happened.

“Georgie..?” He puts a hand on her shoulder and she turns and starts to cry on his shoulder. He freezes, he doesn't recall ever seeing her cry. Carefully he hugs her back and holds her, the tiny kitten lets out a few mewls and it's obvious that they will take him.

Jon pays and makes sure to get the proper papers while she sits holding him and still crying. The woman who was talking with him looks at her weirdly, but he manages to bluff and say she lost her cat recently and this was her attempt at healing, that made her look far more sympathetic

At home she lets the Admiral walk and explore while holding her face and he rubs her back in slow circles.

“Are you…” Ok would be stupid “Do you need a hug?” She nods and they end up cuddling on the couch.

“Jon do you-?”

“Yeah, yeah, since i was… i was fifteen”

“Oh my god” 

They talk, its not an easy conversation, but they spend all night just talking and trying to understand each other.

“Is that why you didn't want to date me?”

“Yeah, i figured it would be weird and besides i… miss Martin”

“Yeah.. i miss Mel” 

Holding each other he asks how it felt.

“Remembering?”

“Yes, mine was.. just all in one fell swoop, like a door opened and it flooded inside me all that was, it was too much” She stays quiet.

“It felt like it was a truth that i refused to see, like i was always aware that something was there, but i didn't want to admit to myself. Like it was just… inevitable, when i saw the admiral, it felt like the world made sense. It didn't hit me, because it was already there. It's like death, we all know that it happens, but we don't like to acknowledge it until we have to, it didnt hurt, it was just… sad”

The memories are there for both of them, but it's not… not at the front of their minds after a few days, its like something they can get if they want to remember. They dont get replaced with other versions of themselves or anything of the sort, its just them but with context, with a little more self awareness.

They build up from there, its a struggle for a while, old grudges and call outs, but eventually those go away, they don't fit anymore with the way they both are now, they are the same but different. He is Jonathan Sims, but not quite the same as he was before, he likes to think that he is better, he tries to, at the very least. Georgie too.

She mades what the Ghost again.

“I missed it in the apocalipse you know?” He lets out a long suffering sigh, but helps her with her drafts, he does like investigating.

The day comes when he goes to the new coffee shop that Georgie told him about. He orders some tea and waits at his table, its when the waitress comes to give it to him that Jon feels like he caught the sun with his hands. Martin was staring at him and holding the tea with shaky hands.

“Jon…” He lets out a soft breath with his name and he wants to grab his face and kiss it all over.

“Hello Martin, its been a while” His reason puts the tea on the table and looks like he wants to punch him or kiss him, maybe both.

“You- Bastard!! I told you no self sacrificial stuff - how dare-”

“But we are here, aren't we?” He chokes a sob and looks at him with tears in his eyes.

“Yes- yes we are huh?”

“Do you- when its your lunch? We can… we can talk?”

Its in an hour so Jon sits there while Martin works and waits for him, he has waited this long what is another hour?

The reunion is full of apologies and tears, but they end up hugging and Martin kisses his forehead and everything feels right.

“How did you- when did you remember?” Martin grimaces but gives him a sad smile.

“When i was 8, my mom… she was like before, she got mad at me that day and school had been bad, so i was looking through old stuff and found- you aren't going to believe this-But i found an empty broken tape recorder” He holds his hand and squeezes it.

“I was miserable and i was alone, like always, it felt like that is how it was going to stay, but, huh, funny thing is the tape made me feel better, like perhaps i wasn't alone, then it was like… like i was walking through the fog and it cleaned up and i could see and i saw you Jon. I saw you and I remembered, not all of it at once, it was slower than that, but I recalled the cottage and being happy and just… generally good things. The bad ones would come out later, it was more slow than anything, peaceful even, gave me time to process, it was lonely but it wasn't at the same time”

“Huh, mine was like a flood of information and Georgie’s like it was an inescapable truth, maybe… maybe its connected to the entities? Maybe we remember because we had something to do with them?” The concept was interesting and he would like to think it more later but he needed to go back “Anyways, after that?” Martin gave him an exasperated smile.

“After… i decided i wanted things to be different, i answered back to my mum, she threw honestly an impressive fit, but i… i wasn't having it- it wasn't my fault, none of her problems were my fault. So i didnt let her do that to me, it wasn't easy and it felt awful, but she stopped herself eventually and let me do my stuff. I finished school this time around actually, remembering helped and i could get a part time job to get some cash for myself, she still chose to go away, but i think it was better for the both of us”

“I'm sorry you had to go through that again Martin, if i knew you were here i would have looked for you and-”

“Jon- Jon! I know, trust me i thought i was the only one, i looked and the institute didn't exist and i- well after what happened i assumed you were gone”

“I get it really”

They stay sitting leaning on each other, until its Martin’s time to go back.

“So a coffee shop?”

“Mm? Its a part time job, i got into college, to get an- an actual degree”

“Oh! That's great, what are you studying?”

“I sort of wanted to help kids like me, so some counseling, I entertained being a literature teacher but being in front of a class still feels…”

“Wrong? Martin can you still…”

“I can't disappear, but I could make myself unnoticeable, people sometimes just forget I'm there if i don't want them too. It's sort of useful as left over superpowers go from evil eldritch gods if you ask me”

“You know its funny, but i did pick literature teacher”

“What? You? Jon you had the weirdest taste in books i have ever known how are you supposed to-”

“Hey- i got better! Besides i sort of get info still dropped at me, plus my mom made me read with her and it was… it was nice to share it with her”

“Your- Jon?”

“They lived.. both of them” Martin stops and tugs him to hold his face between his hands.

“Thats amazing Jon!”

“Yeah, im sure they will love you Martin”

“Oh, OH!” He flushes “We just met again and you already want me to meet your parents huh?” 

“Now, i intend to go on a few dates first, don't worry”

“You better”

  
  


Georgie meets Melanie, but…

“I don't think she is going to remember Jon” He looks at her and sighs.

“I... maybe she will, maybe she will find the trigger and-” Georgie shakes her head sadly.

“Jon, she doesn't have it, no pull no nothing” He holds her hand.

“Well then you better charm her Miss Barker i dont think she could resist you a second time” Snorting she grins at him.

“I will try my best”

They meet again and its… nice. Martin and Georgie watch them jump from conversation to conversation topics, ranging from ghost to other paranormal things. Jon is acidic in some cases, but never to the point of making Melanie snap, she seemed far more amused.

It makes him feel a pit at the bottom of his stomach, if things had been different, if he had been less of an ass that first time they could had been friends.

Lost opportunities aside, they get along, she is gruff, but not mean or cruel and he has a friend, he apologizes in his head to the Melanie that was, promises that this time he would be better. He is sure that she would have hated that.

Jon starts to work in a small school and it's… something alright, the thirteen and fourteen years old are somewhat of a handful but its… its fun to try and puzzle how to help them.

Beholding gets some joy from letting him know which ones of them didn't study or bring their homework making him sigh and pick the ones who did, watching them let sighs of relief making him smile, He won't terrorize the kids he refuses.

Jon meets Daisy when in one outing from the school he loses one of the kids and goes to look for her.

She is hiding behind Daisy who is pulling her away from a guy on the ground.

“Don't touch the kid you weirdo”

“Megan?!” Daisy’s head snaps so fast to where he is he has to step back, she looks like she saw a ghost.

“Mr Sims!!!” The girl runs to him and grabs his arm “She helped me, he grabbed my arm and wouldn't let it go and i- i” She starts to cry and he leans down to hug her. “Shh it's ok, let's get you back to the group and your friends ok?”

“Can i thank- thank her?” He looks at the woman who is staring at him with recognition, it's so different from the last time it makes him feel weak.

“Yeah, we can” Approaching her, Daisy remains still.

“Thanks- Thank you”

“Yes, thank you for keeping her safe” She clears her throat and nods.

“You are… you are welcome. I- “She hesitates “I give self defense classes kid, if you want to…” She grabs a flyer from her pocket and offers it to her.

“Just in case”

“Thank you!”

Jon asks her if he could see it and writes the number down.

They meet in a park.

“Im sorry Jon, for the last time, i can remember, sort of and i- hurt you again”

“You weren't really you by then Daisy i know trust me” She lets out a breath.

“Have you… have you seen Basira?” She nods.

“She is working as a detective, she doesn't remember, i don't think she will either, i… i wanted to do something else, you know? Something to help others be safe and not… not hurt, not for real, not to someone who didn't deserve it, it won't ever fix what i did, but it's a start”

“Yeah.. it's a start”

“I want to be better this time Jon” He lets out a breath and slowly knocks his shoulder against her.

“I think we are all trying to”

  
  


Things go well from then on, he moves with Martin and Melanie and Georgie get together, Daisy comes to his place and they hear the archers and knit, apparently she had picked it as a hobby and told him to join her.

He wanted to make Martin a scarf.

“Sap” She was making a hat.

“Shut up”

Jonathan Sims was checking the list of his new students for the new year when his hand stilled. Two names made him stare for the impossibility they represented.

Jonathan Fanshware and Barnabas Bennet.

He remembered their statements.

But it wasn't them that made him sit down less he passed out. No.

It was the other two.

Peter Fairchild and Jonah Magnus were going to be in his class, he felt a panic attack start to kick in. Martin found him scratching his arms and mumbling almost as if he were doing a statement.

“Lets get rid of him, Jon, Jon its him what are we- how are we! Do we tell Daisy? Maybe-”

“She doesn't want to hurt anymore Martin”

“Oh and he can!? Its his fault, we should do a favor and just-”

“He has a family, he is 13 Martin, he might never even remember what he did!” Even as he says that he feels nauseous.

“Ugh! Well let's check! Maybe he does, maybe he slips and it turns out he is planning something”

“Lets just… let me just see him first, see how bad it could be”

“I don't like this Jon” He looks tired and scared.

“I don't either”

“... what about Peter?” He takes a breath and he has to remind himself that he is also a child.

“Same treatment i suppose, we don't know anything”

“Why Fairchild??” Good question.

“No idea” Martin groans.

“Ugh, sometimes I do miss you being all knowing” He gives a small smile.

“Well i'm glad not to, i don't want to suck the fear out of people anymore”

“Sorry, sorry”

“Its ok, i get it”

Still he was filled with unease.

That first day he was nervous, he almost bails halfway through and calls in sick, but he soldiered on, Jon had to see for himself what was of Jonah Magnus.

He entered and the students were all sitting down, to know them he started to call their names by the list waiting with baited breath.

“Fairchild Peter?” A boy sitting at the end next to- The paintings of Jonah in the institute come to mind, albeit this is such a young face compared to those is uncanny, but the resemblance is there.

Peter lifts his hand a little bit shyly and he nods. He is lanky and not that tall yet, the man he recalls was far bigger. He looks… 

He looks innocent, there is no empty look, he just looks like a kid who is a little embarrassed at having his name called. He grips his papers a little but keeps going until he reaches the name.

“Magnus Jonah…?” The boy sitting next to Peter lifts his hand faster than the boy and smiles at him. It blindsides him a little with how honest the expression is, Elias smiles where always sort of empty in a way, more to appease, the boy was very honest with it.

Its plainly obvious that neither of them remember him at all.

He finishes with the names and starts his class as usual, its a little jarring to see them, but now they both look so different from the people he knew, it was easier to make himself forget about who they were.

The first class was rather tame, nothing extraordinary and there were no further issues. He did notice that neither Peter or Jonah semed to talk with each other.

Later he would ask the other teachers about them, playing it off as curiosity.

“Oh Jonah is a really good student, he always got his work done and liked to answer questions as for the other boy… i think he transferred here this year so no idea how he is”

It went on the same vein for a while. Peter was new and the other teachers only said good things about Jonah, well almost all of them.

“Well as a student he is great, but he does tend to get into little fights with his classmates, whenever i asked no one could tell me why”

So there is that, during recess he sees that most of the other kids tended to avoid him, in fact he ended up sitting right next to Peter again, the boy didn't react to it and simply kept eating. Jonah watched two boys during the whole time.

It wasn't until he got appointed to his other class that he realized they were Barnabas and Jonathan, both very good students too. Barnabas, and he hates to admit this, but Jon sometimes forgets he is there. He remembers Elias statement about his fate and it feels wrong to forget about him, so he makes an effort to make sure he is included. Jonathan was very clever too and always hangs out with the other boy.

During that first week he realized that Jonah would stare at them and they would ignore him, making him look angry and confused.

Peter would let him sit with him, but not say a single word, same as in class.

On Friday he asks again if there was a problem between them and the teachers would look uneasy.

“It was by the end of last year, the three were really close, but one day Jonathan hit Jonah and from there they couldn't be in the same space without the boy going mad, Barnabas joined him and they both stopped talking to him, no matter how much anyone asked they wouldn't tell and according to Jonah he didn't know why they were angry at him, he hadn't done anything. We would have generally believed that he was covering something up, but he seemed genuinely distraught by it. It was decided to send them to separate classrooms for this year, after the parents of the boys asked for it”

So they remembered, it was an obvious conclusion after all. Jonah obviously didn't and couldn't understand why the other two suddenly hated him. He feels…. pity for him. 

“I don't know, I mean he has it coming” Martin was making dinner and Jon was just laying on the couch.

“I would agree, but he is just a kid now and really has no memory of any wrong doings” Martin comes to look at him.

“I know, but imagine remembering the guy that let you die is just there being your friend, wouldn't you get mad? And like you said, they are kids too, i think it would be weird if they didn't just go a little bit off at him”

“... yeah you are right” His wonderful boyfriend leans down and kisses his forehead.”

“Now, less work and more helping me make dinner”

“Of course”

The teachers weren't lying, his work is really good and he asks questions a lot during class, some of them are actually really good points and he ends up devolving and having a little debate with him causing the rest of the class to get into it too and suddenly everyone is talking and adding something, it becomes far more fun, enough so that they all end up staying a little longer even if the bell tolls.

He notices that through the weeks the two boys start to talk in class and even recess. Peter seems a little bit more open to Jonah, so during class they talk or share papers and in recess Jonah doesn't stare obsessively to the other two all the time, but actually talks with Peter or shares his food with him.

Sometimes the boy would stay behind to ask questions about things and Jon struggles to not be standoffish, he is excited and curious and it reminds him of himself. It stings that if the man hadn't been corrupted by power and greed they could have actually gotten along. When he thinks that he has to tell him that he is busy and has to go, making him frown but nod.

Jon tries his best, but sometimes seeing him stare so hard at him makes his skin itch, he wants to scratch at worm scars that aren't there and to claw at his throat to stop talking. Jon is still scared of him and it's awful. Martin, Daisy and Georgie try to help him, they suggest changing schools or doing something about him, but Jon likes where he is staying and despite everything, he likes the kid, he isn't the Jonah that destroyed the world or his life, he is a kid who likes to learn, talk and doesn't seem to get one with the rest of the kids his age.

Georgie as a last attempt suggests therapy.

“With who? How do i explain that i'm terrified of the amnesiac child version of my previous boss who ruined my life and the world??”

“Maybe not that, but you can say that he is the kid of someone who hurt and you don't want to judge him based on that, look for something to relate too and make it simple” She is right.

Martin tells him something in a similar vein so he gives up and gets into therapy. Its uncomfortable, but the woman who helps him is very understanding.

A new teacher joins, her name was Sasha James, when they introduced her to him he almost flees, her voice matches that of the recording.

This is the Sasha he forgot, that they all did.

He is a little bit awards, but he tries to be friendly and get to know her, she seems to catch on and not think of him as a weirdo at the very least. They both like to investigate random subjects, she loves dogs and hates the taste of black coffee, preferring tea.

Not Sasha loved coffee.

He treasures it, Martin wishes he could meet her.

Its one day that she mentions that her boyfriend is bringing her something she forgot and Jon jokingly asks if he is a Tom. Sasha, wonderfull, real Sasha snorts and tells him that he almost had it.

“His name is Tim” Jon smiles, but excuses himself. He doesn't think he can face Tim. If he doesn't remember ever, he can't lie to him, if he does, he will hate him.

So he steps back.

One day he asks a question and ends up picking Peter to answer without thinking too much, he honestly forgets he is there and unlike Barnabas he doesn't try to get him to join in, its spitefulness he knows it, his therapist told him about it when discussing the whole im teaching the childrens of my tormentors. But he cant stop thinking about Martin isolating himself so he waits for him to answer.

Beholding tells him he doesn't know the answer.

He mumbles and starts to flush, while the other kids look at him. Jonah looks at him directly and then at the boy, after a few seconds where it was clear that Peter would start to cry, Jonah blurts out the answer and asks if that would be in the test for next week startling him and making the other kids look at him.

Stuttering that yeah it will be included, causes the boy to barrage him with a list of questions, that he starts to answer as quickly as he can, causing everyone else to start writing notes or look at the interaction amusedly.

By the time class ends he sees Jonah grabbing Peter’s hand dragging him out.

He tells Jessica about it and she sighs and scolds him lightly in their next session.

Martin stays quiet and he asks him what he thinks.

“I… i can't forgive what he did to me, but for a long time he was the only constant i had, and i... sort of got him. Heh, I get how it is like to be asked to answer something you don't know in front of everyone, it's.. i feel bad for him” Jon feels terrible, so he asks instead how could he help.

“You- you want me to tell you how to help Peter?” Closing his eyes, he nods. Jon thinks that this life was a second chance, that maybe they could all be better and if he starts to hold grudges it won't be fair.

“Yeah”

“Oh Jon..” Martin hugs him and they end up lazing on the couch talking and sharing a few kisses in between.

Jon is unlucky as it stands, he decided to celebrate his birthday and invited Sasha, he didnt expect her to bring Tim, who decks him in the face the moment he opens the door. Sasha yells at Tim and Martin who had gone to give him something starts to check he didn't have a broken nose. Daisy gets up to absolutely punch him back, while Georgie tries to calm down Melanie who is also trying to make a leap at Tim.

That could have gone better.

“Stop- Stop- I had that one coming”

“No you don't, Tim what the hell!” Sasha was furious.

“Sasha, really its ok, he deserved to punch me”

“Like hell he does!” Melanie is currently trying to grab something to hit Tim while Georgie holds her back.

“Sash, im sorry, but i have to go- i- im sorry”

“TIM!”

Jon sometimes also has trouble dealing with Jonah, mostly if the boy tries to ask him something out of class he would try his best to answer in a succinct way and leave.

He thinks the kid might hate him at this rate, since he starts to mostly grumble answers or tell him to go. He always looks a little bit hurt at the dismissal and it causes him to feel bad in return, which is stupid and unfair. But life more often than not is.

Tim comes one day and waits for him outside.

“I'm not going to apologize”

“No i don't expect you to” Thay stay quiet.

“After I died, what happened?” Jon sighs and asks if they could go get something to drink, it was a long story.

“Coffee shop nearby”

So they go, and so he tells him everything. 

“Let me see if I get this you are teaching the little two monsters now?” He grimaces.

“They aren't monsters, they are kids, what they did before? That's not them anymore”

“Good trying to convince yourself that” Jon stands firm at this, because he has talked about it with his therapist and has thought about it a lot during all these years.

“I do, because I like to think this is a second chance, and they are innocent and even if they did remember. I could only judge them now based on what they do, they aren't the same people they didn't even grow up the same way! Just like we aren't. I'm not the same Jon Sims as before, and i- i don't want to- I want to take the good and learn from the bad to become better” Tim clenches and unclenches his arms.

“...I know, i'm different too, and I have Sasha and my brother and hell even my parents…. Seeing you just reminded me of the rest and it was bad. I told you i didn't forgive you, and i stand by it, but… but i like to try. So- Names Timothy Stoker, nice to meet you” Jon smiles.

“You don't have to forgive me if you don't want to, but I do want to know this Tim, the right way this time. Jonathan Sims it's a pleasure”

Martin comes a few times to bring him his lunch of he forgets it or to talk when he is free, he had considered moving and working with Jon as the new counselor and he had been ecstatic, right now they were walking while the kids had recess, Martin stopped and Jon had to look to see what made him freeze.

In their usual table outside its Jonah and Peter watching something almost touching their heads with how close they were.

Martin lets out a breath, Jon sees Jonah look up and stare at him and then Martin with a curious glance, his boyfriend flinches back and turns to go, the boy looked honestly confused, so he gives him a shrug and follows Martin.

“Are you-?”

“How can you see him everyday and not want to punch him is beyond me” He grimaces.

“It, it gets better and heh, he sort of reminds me a little of myself when i was young, plus if he looked like Elias i would throw up i think” Martin huff.

“You know he might be here? Like the real Elias? Just working a job- or or studying, god what would that even be like? Or the others he stole their lives”

“I would rather not think it, and besides, maybe this time they get to live how they want to”

There is a parents teachers conference and he meets Ms Magnus and Simon Fairchild then.

Simon, he assumes, doesnt know him, he speaks about Peter being a little behind in class and that he has issues answering in public, but that he has started to include him in little ways to make it easier for him to also participate.

“Oh, that is good! My boy is very shy and the anxiety doesn't make it any easier, his little friend and some of the other teachers are very kind to help him! I mean i wouldn't have donated so much for the school otherwise” Ah, yes he was still rich. Smiling and soldiering on he keeps telling him about his grades and more details he noticed.

“Mm he is a very avid reader, albeit he enjoys adventure books or pirate ones far more, his sisters help him out with the ones from school usually if he finds them boring” It gives him pause, Peter said that he hasn't seen any of his siblings in years in his statement.

“How many sisters does he have?”

“3 older ones and one little brother. They are all wonderful kids!” Now that he thinks about it, he has seen an older teen pick him up from time to time.

“Huh, well thats good, but he struggles a little in class and-”

“Does he wear his glasses?”

…

“Pardon?”

“His glasses? Oh he is embarassed to use them in public, he need them to read, i will talk with him, he thinks they make him look dumb” Jon is really trying to wrap his head around this whole conversation.

“O...k”

By the end Simon stands and offers him his hand so he takes it.

“Im glad to see there is no bad blood between you two after the whole debacle with dear Martin, it would be a shame Archivist, you see i love my son very much and if anything happens to him i will make sure this entire establishment gets turned into a skyscraper” Jon stiffens and when he looks at Simon he drops his hand, pats his shoulder and he feels weightless for a few seconds in a way that is very unnatural. “Life works in funny ways, and this time i intend to look after  _ my children _ , i will make it up to them, it would be remiss not to, second chances don't come that often. Goodbye, have a nice day!”

And he is out, Jon has to sit, but he hears him say something to someone outside.

“Oh Edith! Lovely to see you”

“Hello Simon! See you on sunday!”

He calls out to the next parent and a woman comes in, the thing that strikes him is that her son looks just like her. All except the eyes. Auburn hair in a bun, warm brown eyes, freckles and pale skin. Jonah had all of his mother’s looks.

“Hello you must be Mr Sims! Jonah has told me a lot about you” She offers her hand to him and he shakes it.

“Does he complain a lot? That's what most of the parents tell me” Usually, this year most of them were very nice, apparently the kids liked him.

“Oh no, you misunderstand, you are his favourite teacher, he speaks very highly of you” Her smile is lovely. Jon doesn't know really what to do with that, he assumed that he was mostly disliked by the boy, since he didn't give him many reasons to like him outside class.

“Well.. that is unexpected, um well about Jonah-” He tells her that he does well in class, has no issues with his homework, all good things, honestly there hadn't been any issue during these past few months, besides his own personal issues regarding the boy, it was actually the most entertaining year he had.

She listens attentively and asks only a few questions to clarify, but is very concise about it.

“I'm glad to hear it, I'm so very proud of him” It shows, they talk about him and Jon learns a few things while talking to Miss Magnus. 

One she is very, very proud of her son and loves him a lot.

Two she divorced her husband when Jonah was 4, due to him...

“Not being good for him” Her smiles thins and he gets a flash of a man pushing down a child harshly to the floor and walking out while the kid cries. He does his best to not twitch.

“Honestly i'm glad he is doing fine, after that fight he got in last year and how the other kids don't seem to like him i was worried, but i'm relieved he has such a good teacher and found such a good friend with Peter. Things seem to be turning up!”

“Yeah- i learned about that this year and it- its good for the both of them i think”

“Well, that would be all?”

“Yes, yes”

She walks out and hums happily.

Jon lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

And three she was just as smart and cunning as the Jonah from before was.

He found out that there was another fight between Jonah and Jonathan during recess a few weeks after the parent’s day, not with fists, but they were heard yelling. Barnabas had to drag Jonathan away while Jonah was seen running off. Jonah acted normal in his class later so he didn't think too much about it.

Maybe he should have paid him a little bit more attention, but after half a year, Jon grew used to the boy’s presence and did not look further down into it.

If he did he would have seen the way Jonah couldn't bring himself to look at him anymore.

Something was off, it was so small and progressive, that by the time he realized what it was it had been two months. It was during class that he realized that there were five minutes left and Jon had already explained everything. The kids were all writing or talking among themselves. That wasn't bad, but he got used to classes where everyone would start to pitch in their opinions about the books they were reading that it was surreal.

He looks around and sees Jonah looking out of the window, while Peter looks at him from time to time nervously.

It strikes him that there hadn't been any questions, in fact there hadn't been questions from the boy for a few weeks now.

Class just went on with Jon explaining and no one interrupting, that was always Jonah, the others would join in later.

The boy had started to slowly ask less and less until he did not raise his hand anymore, it was so subtle he didn't see it until now. Jonah did not chase him after class either, he doesn't recall the last time he did. 

When the bell rings, he picks up his stuff, waits for Peter and they are off.

Jon missed something.

Two weeks later, he was walking down the hallway when a 13 year old boy running knocks into him, grabbing his arm he sees a head full of slightly curled auburn hair.

“Jonah? Why are you running down the hallway-” The boy shakes him off and steps back looking down. He realizes he looked way paler than usual.

“Bathroom” Oh well.

“Sorry, you can go, just don't run ok?”

“Yeah, thanks Jon” He takes a breath and the kid looks up at him, his eyes stare back at him and Jon steps back a little.

“Mr Sims?”

“Its nothing, Jonah, you may go” The boy stays there and seems confused, suddenly he stiffens and Jon tries to grab his arm, but he flinches back so hard that he has to step back too.

He was about to say something, but the boy goes from white to slightly green, he doubles over and throws up on the floor.

“Shit!”

He takes him to the infirmary. The nurse says he has a fever and Jonah admits to being nauseous.

“Why come?!”

“History test” Good lord, he stays with him until his mother comes to pick him up, Jon goes to get his stuff while Edith apologizes for the trouble.

Then they are off and Jon doesn't see the boy until friday.

He has nightmares that night and the next few days, he doesn't know why, he hadn't had those in several years.

Jonah comes back that friday and doesn't speak in class, during recess he stays with Peter, but he has noticed that he wasn't eating. The other boy offers him half of his food and drinks, that's the only reason he seemed to consume anything.

When Peter doesn't come for a day, Jonah sits alone and doesn't touch his food.

Sasha asks him if he knew anything was wrong about him.

“He isn't talking in class and half of the time he seems like he is about to fall asleep” Some of the other teachers say something similar and he has no idea. 

“Have you asked him?” He can't do it, he is sure that the boy is now avoiding him as much as possible. Sasha nods.

“He says he is fine, his homework and tests are alright, but he seems like he is about to pass out”

He tells Martin and he gives him a look.

“Do you think…?”

“I don't know? He is not acting evil or anything, he is just subdued and tired.. its sort of sad actually”

“Havant you got a flash of anything from him?” Jon hasn't, from the rest of them yes, but not Jonah. The only tibdit he got was from his mother, so he shakes his head.

“Maybe something happened?”

“Perhaps, i just don't know Martin” He hugs him.

“I know you worry, i just don't know what to tell you or how to help”

It keeps going, but somehow it gets worse, soon the boy has bags under his eyes, when he sees him talking with Peter he can't stare at him in the eye anymore, some of his classmates have started to notice and give him looks. 

Things finally come to a head, on friday he saw him and Peter leave together along with the later sister. Apparently they were going to hang out, Jonah even looked a little bit better during the day, smiling a little and eating out of his own volition.

On monday he changed seats with another student and is sitting as close to the door as possible. Peter spent the entire class staring holes to Jonah’s back and the moment the bell rang before the boy could go and approach him, Jonah grabbed his stuff and disappeared.

Peter was alone and Jonah was nowhere in sight.

Barnabas and Jonathan looked at Peter and then at each other confused during the recess.

This kept going for the entire week, Jon was at his wits end. 

“He is avoiding him now too, he wont talk to anyone i don't know what to do or say!” Daisy frowns, but shrugs a little.

“If he doesn't want help, there is not much you or anyone can do Jon, i know you are trying, but if he is dragging himself down and refuses anyone's help, you can't drag him out against his will. Besides maybe they broke up, they are kids who knows” His brain stills at that.

“Bro- Broke up??” She gives him a flat look.

“Jon, you do realize that some of the things you mention about their behaviour sound suspiciously like they were dating?” What no-

“Oh they were married” Martin looks very nonchalant about it.

“What”

“I found one of their divorce and also marriage papers on the office when i was working for Peter, he said that it fed their gods”

He yells against a pillow while Martin pats his back.

On Wednesday Martin comes, he will start working at the school next year so he was talking with Jon, he has a second to feel like being watched, when he turns Jonah is staring at them and Martin looks back at him and clenches his jaw.

Jonah sees and he flees.

By Friday of that same week, Jonah looked twitchy, he kept looking around himself, avoided everyone and seemed infinitely tired, Jon was going to talk with him, but Anna, came in saying that some classmates were fighting and he had to go. By the time he came everyone had left the school and he missed his chance. Monday, he thinks, that’s when he will talk it out.

On monday Jonah didn't come to class, he didn't really think anything of it. By Thursday he had to admit something was wrong. 

The girl that switched seats with Jonah went back to her spot so Peter was sitting alone the entire week, he looked more and more worried, during recess he saw him text with his phone repeatedly and look more frustrated. Each day he seemed more and more grumpy. 

On Friday Jon was called along with a few other teachers by the principal at the end of the day.

“Im- we got news that one of your students would not be attending, there is only a month left before the holidays, so her mother will pick up any work for him” Jon feels a pit on his stomach and looking at Sasha she has the same expression of barely concealed dread.

“Why..?” One of the teachers asks the questions they all want to know. The principal looks tired.

“Jonah is in the hospital and cant return to normal class”

“Should we tell the students to make him something-”

“No. No, that won't- her mother specified to not talk about it” 

“What- what kind of accident was? If he ended up in a hospital i assume- or if he got sick-” Jon feels like he doesn't want to know the answer.

“...He, well her mother found him and-” She lets out a breath “It appears he tried to consume an entire bottle of sleeping pills last saturday” He stills and several people let out breaths and a few gasps.

“So you understand why we must be discreet. Don't tell the other kids, that is the only thing her mother asked” He nods numbly.

Sasha grabs his hand when they step out and Jon has to work his legs to not give out.

He thinks about the boy slowly spiraling during all these months and doesn't know what to do or think.

When he gets home and Martin sees his face he holds him and asks what happened, he tells him, making him stiffen.

“Why-”

“I dont- i dont know”

Jon has no idea.


	2. Simon

Angelo always had always been wild, his parents said that he must have been a bird in another life, for he would climb trees and stay on the highest point for hours. Other times he would stay out late to watch the sky at night.

Whatever it was, he knew that he belonged there.

Sometimes he would dream of something huge, of a creature with incomprehensible size existing and not caring about his existence. Those times he would wake up feeling his heart beating like crazy.

He took painting classes, his parents indulged him, thought that he would grow bored, like many other topics, but the moment he picked a brush and could paint the sky it was over. Angelo fell in love.

Or well, at 9 it was more like he found his passion, later he would tell Celeste that it was like finding an old friend and she would look at him with a twink in her eyes and laugh. 

“I get it, i do trust me, i felt the same way the first time i got in a boat”

Time passes and he directs all his energy in his art, his parents don't find it as amusing as he does, but he keeps up his grades and helps in the house so they can't complain.

When he finishes studying, he sends his application for art school, but his parents refused to let him go. Angelo gets accepted with a scholarship and he grins at them, picking up his stuff he goes and doesn’t look back.

They weren't bad people he thinks, its just that he had bigger ideas than them and it was stifling to stay. To him the world was his playground and their little home and life wasn't enough.

Nothing was ever enough to make him stay, after all there was no point to it, people weren't important.

Or that's what he thought until he met her.

Celeste Fairchild.

She was a lovely sight to behold, classy and pretty, but with a spark despite her apparent fragility. Angelo bumped into her by complete accident, she fell to the ground and as it was his fault he took her hand and helped her up. From there things became history.

Simon painted the sky and the ocean, while she painted solely the sea, her creations were impressively full of life, you could almost feel the water falling on top of you or hear the old ships creak and shatter. If you stared at the ones she made of the deep end, with monsters hiding at the bottom you could feel the fear and it was perfect.

She was his best friend and confidant, full of life despite having the weakest constitution he has ever seen. Her eyes shined with mischievousness and Simon loved her madly.

Not romantic love, no, he realized very early that he wasn't capable of that, it was something far greater than that, she was as it stands his soulmate in everything that mattered and to her he was the same. She confided that she did not feel the attraction that everyone claimed that she should feel, that all she wanted was company and an adventure, like the ones in the stories she loved to read as a child.

Her family was of money, lots of money, had companies everywhere, but she was the sole heiress, her mother couldn't have more kids after her, and Celeste was already born ill.

Her parents let her study abroad just for the year and then she had to learn to take care of the family business, most likely marry too. 

“That sounds so boring-” She laughs and it sounds like bells chiming in the wind.

“Yes it is, i just want to travel around and see the world, but its not meant to. My parents are old and i'm the last one of the Fairchilds” Angelo frowns and they end up cuddling in his bed talking about all the possible things they would do if they had the money for it.

It was nice, the thinking and dreaming, sharing it with her didnt feel stifling, didnt feel stupid or worthless, even the smalles of details could bring her joy, something that he couldnt think about. Angelo was about the bigger picture, but she focused on the small things and made him realize that sometimes it was better.

“If you don't, then you will miss things, hurting others in the process, feelings are important”

By the end of the year, it feels as if they had known each other forever and saying goodbye left a bitter taste in his mouth.

The world was so big, yet they were stuck living small unimportant lives.

“I don't think so, meeting you was the best thing to happen to me, it was a matter of chance and yet this encounter meant everything to me. Life is to be lived to its fullest with what we have Angelo, i know that” It is huh?

“How about we run off?” She looks at him bewildered.

“Excuse me?!” Angelo grins.

“We run off for a while, you can go back eventually, but why not explore a little before you have to go back” With her mouth open she shakes her head.

“You scholarship-”

“Bah! I learned more on my own and with you than what they were teaching me here, let's go and see the world-” She looks stunned, but slowly and with childish glee her smiles gets bigger.

“I will take all the money i can first” He winks

“I'm picking up my stuff”

So they go.

And for the next few months they live free, they sell sketches from time to time, he gets a few part time jobs to not spend all of her money when they stay somewhere for a little more time.

They end up closer to the beach and Celeste shines, they stay all day making the tallest and ugliest sandcastles and swimming even when the night comes.

He feels right, like this is what he is supposed to be doing.

They end up in an amusement park and neither of them had gotten to a rollercoaster before.

By the end of the day they have rideded it fifteen times.

Things don't last of course, money runs off and Celeste starts to get sick, she had always been prone to it. So with sorrow they must go back, or at the very least she has to.

“Come along then, i don't want to be alone there at the house its oh so big and quiet, you can stay with me”

“Hardly think your parents would like it” She coughs and smiles.

“Well let's bring them hell then”

They go back to England hand in hand. They were after all partners in crime.

But life is messy.

Celeste’s parents died, first his father then her mother, the people who dealt with it, tried to pin it in a broken heart. He calls bullshit, but it is what it is.

She is not mad at him in the slightest.

“How could i, i felt more alive with you this past two years than with them for 21” Still she is sad, she did love them after all.

Angelo stays and paints whenever he can, giving her the biggest and most complex paintings he does. Celeste loves them, when she is tired from studying, he spins tales of adventure. Some come to him more oddly, they sound more like horror stories, but she always smiles and tells him her own.

Hers are all about creatures so big that they are incomprehensible, living at the bottom of the ocean all waiting to make an appearance.

Angelo wants to make her a portrait, but he can never manage to make it look as he wants. 

He is charming and it's easier for him to deal with people, she finds it more hard, so he offers to help her out. They are a team of course.

Soon he picks up things about business and spooks the people trying to get a say with her money, always making sure that it is what she wants.

“Of course my wonderful idiot” He lifts her and spins her making her laugh.

They pressure her into marrying to have an heir or choose someone to inherit the Fairchild money and business.

“Its so stupid” He is sitting on the couch upside down.

“I know”

“As if i would just marry someone who would want to control my life-”

“Mmh”

“If i had to marry i should just-” She cuts herself and stares at Angelo.

“Oh Angelo? My best friend, my partner in crime-” Her smile says it all and just imagining the pure chaos that it would be the announcement makes him cackle.

“Celeste Fairchild, i accept”

“Good, then let's get married”

Angelo is now Angelo Fairchild and life is good.

They both control the fortune and business, Celeste likes to donate to charities or give money for scholarships, says it feels good to help. He nods and paints the roof of the living room in the mansion as if it was the open sky.

She loves childrens, has wanted some of her own, but she knows she cant. Her health is fragile and a child could kill her so she spends time helping as many as she can. He cant see the appeal for the small ones, they are fun for a while, but eventually he grows tired.

“That's because you don't see them, you think of them as entertainment and not as people, you need to pay attention if you want to understand” She was writing in her study while he climbed the stairs to pick up a book from the highest shelf.

“I really don't get you sometimes” She gives him a secretive smile.

“Of course not, it would be boring if you did” 

Angelo is surprised when one day he realizes that even if he spent so long in one place it felt good, staying with Celeste felt like home.

He keeps attempting to make her a portrait, causing her to laugh whenever he asks her to pose for him.

“My oh my, i have never seen you so stumped before!”

“Nothing fits! I can't make it right” She goes to look at it, looking puzzled.

“I don't see why, the likeness is impressive, could be a photograph with how well its done”

“Yes, but it's missing something”

When he turns 27 and Celeste 28 she falls ill, the doctors said that there was no way to help her. He spends more time sitting at her hospital bed than doing anything else for months. She looks happy and he can't wrap his head around it, he is miserable.

“I met you and my life had been nothing but joy. I got to travel and help and do so many things, thank you” He holds her hand.

“But there is so much more to see and do and learn-”

“Angelo” She holds his cheek and he holds her hand with his “We are all small things in the great scale that is the universe, but my life? As short and as insignificant as it was? It was the most amazing thing ever, an adventure all wrapped up, and it might end early, but it wasn't meaningless to me, i hope meeting me wasn't meaningless to you” He shakes his head and feels his eyes get wet.

“It wasn't, you made it so much better” She looks tired and pale.

“The only thing I regret was not getting any childrens, not mine, but maybe adopting a few kids and raising them together? Painting and traveling and having fun all of us? It would have been wonderful. You would have been a very fun dad” Simon laughs and shakes his head.

“I have a feeling i would be terrible, besides you would be the best mother”

“You don't give yourself enough credit”

Celeste dies in her sleep two weeks later.

The funeral was big and impressive, he was now the only Fairchild left, somehow it felt wrong.

The house was empty and silent.

He couldn't paint anymore. Seeing the canvases of his or Celestes paintings made his heart ache too much. He still loved the sky and the ocean, but he couldn't paint them anymore.

Angelo changed his name, it didn't fit anymore, it died with Celeste, so now he was Simon, it felt better a little bit lighter and more right than anything. As if it encompassed something bigger than himself.

The portrait was unfinished, the last gift he was trying to make her was left locked in a room with the rest of the other paintings. 

A few years passed and he traveled a lot, never staying in one place for long, he felt restless. Simon made sure that all the businesses were doing well, but It's when he was staying at the mansion back in England alone again that he realizes that he is tired of the quiet and the solitude.

The Fairchilds used to be a big family, Celeste told him that a few generations back the family was huge, but most died and left no childrens behind so in the end it was only her. Now it was just him in the big house, It wasn't right.

Simon thinks about Celeste, about the childrens she wanted and about what she told him, he wanted to be better. So he starts to look for a kid.

He goes to a few orphanages and agencies, but he doesn't feel anything that draws him in, te childrens were all cute and happy and he is sure they would be delighted to come with, but it doesn't feel right. Maybe he muses at his newest attempt, maybe it's really him the problem.

But it's there where he meets _them_.

Simon as always went to see the children outside playing, they were all loud, happy and rambunctious. It should call out to him, but it's the opposite, it feels… wrong.

It feels as if he was looking for something specific, but he can't tell what yet, like there was a big massive revelation waiting to fall on him.

The woman accompanying him talks about the kids and he mostly ignores her, none of them will do, it's easy to realize. That's it until he spots a little head sitting alone near a tree. It was as if he had a bubble and none of the other kids approached him, hell they went out of their way to avoid him as if he wasn't even there. His eyes stare at the little boy picking absently minded flower petals.

Simon points to him interrupting the woman whose name he has already forgotten.

“Who- Oh- OH! That's- yes that's Peter, he and his siblings came here a few weeks ago. Their family got into a scandal when several maids came forth and spoke about the neglect on all the childrens, he is sort of a difficult case-” Peter.

Peter Peter Peter.

The name resounded in his head and he felt like it meant something important, grinning wildly he asked if he could talk to him.

“He doesnt- he doesnt speak, as we said his parents were very neglectful, her sisters are the only ones who-”

Walking forwards he goes and plops himself in front of him startling the boy, his face was scrunched up, he was small, a little bit too skinny even, he couldn't be more than 4 he thinks.

“Hello lad! Im Simon” The boy looks at him with big sad eyes and he knows with a certainty that he hasn’t felt since Celeste that he wants to take this child home with him.

“Say do you like boats?” He blinks and looks down at his shirt, it had a little pirate ship on it. Hesitantly he nods.

“Great- I love them! Have a few actually, i like the sky too you see, the stars and the clouds, most people think its weird, but i find it relaxing, one time i was in my yacht and-” He starts to tell him a story, the boy looks up at him in wonder and when he frowns he explains what he meant since he assumes he doesn't understand what he is saying.

He knows what Celeste meant now, when she said he has to pay attention, the boy seems to wilt and shine depending on how he approaches him with his words and Simon realizes that he must learn how to help.

“Well as you see, i really love the sea” By the time he was done, the boy had gotten close and was sitting right next to him, making him smile, Simon asked if he could ruffle his hair and after thinking about it he gave a little nod.

He is careful and it makes the boy smile a little more.

Simon was about to ask him if he wanted to come with him, when he heard several footsteps coming their way, the boy looked up startled and got up. 

Three girls, and one toddler being carried by the eldest looking one come their way. The second tallest picks up Peter and gives Simon such a venomous stare that he has to lean back a little.

“Girls- Mr Fairchild was just-”

“Trying to take him away yeah, we know”

“Sod off old man!!” The one holding the toddler sticks her tongue out and starts to walk away.

The boy waves and goes with his sisters he assumes.

“I'm sorry, they had been like this since they came, every time someone showed interest in either of their brothers they scared people away-” They looked angry, but underneath that they looked scared, most likely of getting separated.

“I get it honestly. Say what was their family's surname?”

“Um, Lukas?”

Ah makes sense, he only crossed paths with Nathaniel Lukas once, but the man was quite the bastard. Simon nods and turns to the woman.

“Well easy then i want all five”

“Im- what-”

The process is a little slow, but he comes to meet up with the kids often, the girls were all suspicious until he told them he was adopting all five of them.

“Why?” Lydia the second oldest asked, she was as he realized the sharpest of them.

“Because i'm lonely” And it's the truth, for the first time he can admit that he feels alone ever since Celeste died, the answer seemed to shock her, so he smiles more sadly “I lost my best friend and i live alone at the mansion and its quiet and i don't particularly want to spend my days like that anymore. So I'm taking you all five. You don't want to be separated? Well you won't i promise you”

She doesn't seem to fully believe him, but Judith looks a little more calm, Peter wriggles from Clara’s arms. Aaron is currently napping.

The girls look at each other and after a few minutes of silence they nod.

“Fine”

“Excellent”

The kids are quiet, he has read enough to know that a two and four year old shouldn't be that quiet or well behaved. He showed them their rooms, he had been buying things, but told them that if they wanted anything, and he meant it, anything, be it decoration, toys, a new bed, they should just ask and he will buy it for them.

Lydia, Judith and Clara share a single room. He mused that perhaps they didn't want to be in separated ones. When he sees Judith hold her sister’s hand he realizes he was right.

The room in front of them was for Peter and Aaron.

When they grow there will be enough rooms for each one to pick, but for now this was for the best. In the same hallway at the end, there was his own room.

“So in case you need something during the night just wake me up, i don't mind”

The kids keep to themselves, Simon is nervous for the first time in many years. He tries to talk with them and offer them things to keep them entertained.

But it seems to mildly put them off.

When he is a little too careless and offers them something to keep them away while he works it becomes obvious that it hurts them. He didn't mean to make them think he didnt care, Simon thought they would love the gifts, but they seem to think they are bribery instead, the girls at the very least do.

Despite that Peter usually does follow him around and he is happy to tell him more stories, it makes the boy really happy when at the end he ruffles his hair.

Simon plays with Aaron who is also shy but does babble even if a little nonsensical, he understands him most of the time. Playing hide and seek with him and Peter the boys starts to slowly approach him more. He helps the small children as best as he can and offers them physical contact when they feel comfortable, little by little both boys seem to slowly approach him more to get hugs or hold his hand to make him follow them somewhere. 

The first time they both held his hand and tried to take him to play with them in their room, he swore he felt his chest about to burst. 

The girls on the other hand were a different story.

The three usually stayed together or were around every time he played with their brothers. One morning he woke up early and went to make breakfast for all of them, when Judith appeared and froze.

They stared at each other and he slowly offered the frying pan.

“Do you want to help me?” She looked scared, but also curios and very slowly approached him, always leaving space. Despite being six, she seemed to know what she was doing, he didn't let her use the knives.

“Thank you Judith! You know how to handle yourself very well in the kitchen” She blushed a little and made a small smile.

“Say, do you want to help me with lunch later?” Looking surprised she tells him yes.

Clara was 12 and was already being rebellious, mostly by destroying stuff, after the third vase got broken in the same day, he thinks of something, asking her to come with him, they go into a room and there are a bunch of vases on tables. He offers her a pair of protective glasses and gloves and gives her a baseball bat.

“Go wild kid” She stares open mouthed and grins. Picking up the bet she starts to smash things and laugh. Soon he joins her.

“I hated this vases, they were gifts by people who don't like me, they are all-”

“So ugly!!!”

“EXACTLY!”

They spend almost an hour and a half just breaking stuff. Clara was laughing and he managed to get a high five at the end of the destructive session.

Lydia eluded him, slowly he got the kids to talk or play with him more, but she was stubbornly refusing to. 

One day he was playing with the kids hide and seek, when he saw the door to the paintings room opened. Simon hasn't opened it since Celeste died, with shaky legs he opens it and sees Lydia tracing the paintings of the sky he made.

She looked… She looked like Celeste when he first met her, all yearning and sadness.

He steps back and goes back to look for the others, he knows what to give her.

Days later, he asks her if she could come to see him, scowling she follows.

They walk until he reaches a door at the far end of the hallway.

“This is where me and my best friend used to come and paint, now you can do it too”

He opens the door and the room, that he asked the maids to finally clean, is like he remembered, the huge windows showing the garden and the sky the tables full of painting elements. Celeste's half finished portrait was laying on the wall.

“I know you don't like me or trust me, but i'm trying and… i will like it if you used this”

“Why…” She shakes and he tries to touch her shoulder.

“Because you are my kids now and-”

“Why now! Why not before, why let us suffer back then-!?” He steps back a little and looks baffled at her.

“What do you mean?”

“You don't know, you don't remember, I'm the only one who-” She starts crying.

“I don't want to be alone again” Simon, still confused, goes and hugs her against him despite her tiny fists hitting him in the chest.

“You won't, i don't know what you mean, but i will try to be better and none of you will be alone again ok? Cmon let it all out” She cries silently and it breaks his heart, and it feels like it was his fault, like he really did hurt them and he can't pinpoint why.

She tires herself out eventually, by then he is sitting on the floor cross legged with her on his lap, he keeps hugging her.

“It will be fine Lydia, I promise” He feels her nod against his chest and he kisses the top of her head.

She asks him to teach her, he wants to, but he can't, not really it still hurts.

Lydia stays quiet and looks to the portrait.

“How about we all paint?” He looks at her questioningly “Sort of- sort of a.. a family thing?” Simon looks at her and slowly, ever so slowly smiles.

“Sounds great”

They have a blast, he brings a giant roll of paper and they all draw in it, Aaron just makes handprints in paint but seems to have a lot of fun mixing colors, Peter tries to draw the sea and a beach full of what he assumes is mist, an odd choice, it would be depressing if he hadn't picked the weirdest colors to do it, Clara makes explosions, Lydia draws a sky full of clouds, white and pink ones.

“Like Cotton candy!” He hears her whisper and it makes him grin.

Judith draws a giant cake and Simon…

Simon gets entranced, he draws the ocean and the sky and by the time he is done all the kids are looking at him.

“Pwetty!” Aaron starts clapping, he was more paint than kid at this rate.

“It's really nice Mr- Ssimon” Judith still slips, but she is getting better.

“Can you make like a sunset with dragons for my room?” Clara starts to look at him, blinking amusedly he nods.

“Pick a room and i will- i will paint it” She smiles so brightly it almost feels like staring at the sun. He didn't expect them to-

“So will you teach me to paint like that?” Lydia looks hopeful and he stops to think, Celeste would have loved all of them. He nods

“Yeah i think i will”

“Can i have a pirate ship?” They all freeze. 

Simon and the girls all turn to look at the owner of the voice, Peter was already turning pink and looking down.

“I- of course, hehehe, Peter you can have the biggest pirate ship ever” Simon was so excited that he picked the boy up making him gasp and lifted him up and started to spin causing him to giggle.

“Me too up!!!” He lowers Peter and he hugs him against his chest kissing the top of his head.

“You want to fly too little one? Sure!!” He lowers Peter and repeats the motions with Aaron, soon the girls start to laugh too.

“Me next me next!!”

Simon buys a trampoline and they spend the weekend taking turns to jump on it.

He finishes the portrait, not alone no, he asks the kids to fill in spaces of the background and clothes while he does the face, it was messy and at the end it looked like a technicolor nightmare of epic proportions. 

When he looks at the amused face in the painting it looks as if she was reacting to the craziness and it made him laugh until he cried, the kids thought he was mad, but he told them the opposite.

“Im- im happy, so very happy” Celeste would have loved it.

They hang it on the hallway.

Time passes, he still feels like there was something he was missing, like a great and all consuming truth was avoiding him. He thinks about Lydia's outbursts, but he doesn't want the girl to feel bad again, so he doesn't ask her.

It's during one night that he gets hit with it. Peter and the kids fell asleep watching movies in the living room, so he slowly started to haul them up to their rooms. He left Peter for last, picking him up he feels at peace, Celeste would have loved the kids, the boy wraps his short arms around his neck and mumbles something. The six year old was really adorable when he was asleep.

When he reaches his room he puts him in bed and tucks him in, it's when he was about to leave that he hears him.

“Gnight dad” Simon freezes.

Something huge comes at him and it feels incomprehensible, it dawns on him that he had been old, that he had lived a long life, that he spend his years traveling and causing mayhem, because the world was small, because nothing in life really mattered and they were all less than grains of salt in this universe to the gods that-

Blinking several times he lets out a breath.

No.

They aren't pointless or miniscule, sometimes a single action can help so many people, sometimes a single person can change your life. Sometimes a maid can call out to help the childrens she saw as her own and make someone else happy. Sometimes you grab someone's hand and they become a part of you to carry always.

He understand the Simon that was, that he could have been had he not met Celeste this time around.

Closing the door he goes to his room.

He was Simon Fairchild twice over, but he thinks he likes this life more, he understands Lydia now too, she must remember too. How could she have not hated him? She saw him ignore all of their misery and let it happen.

Simon can't undo what happened, but he can certainly try to make up for it.

After all he loves his childrens.

Simon dreams of impossibly large creatures of nightmarish proportions, but it soon turns into him being at the beach with the kids and Celeste, it was a nice dream.

He wakes up to the sound of something breaking and kids shushing each other, blinking and trying to figure out what shenanigans they have gotten into now he doesn't have to wait long.

All five of them come in carrying a tray with food.

“What is all of this now?” They all look at each other and Lydia is the one to speak.

“In school… they told us it was fathers day today” It doesn't register at first.

“So…” Peter hiding behind Judith manages to say it.

“Happy fathers day dad” The food was slightly burnt and the tea was scalding. He feels his chest being squeezed and he grins.

“Thank you kids, i love you” They all freeze back at him, Lydia gives him a wobbly smile.

They climb to the bed and start to give him presents while he eats.

Judith made him cookies, Aaron drew a card, Peter made him a ship, it was sort of sticky and painted very colorful, Clara a bunch of coupons for tasks, he picked the one that said free hug and she sighed but did it for a while. Lydia recreated the Starry sky by Van Gogh. 

“They are perfect”

He apologizes to Lydia, she looks startled at him and then has a moment of panic.

“You aren't going to-”

“You are my daughter, I'm not giving any of you away, I promised, remember?” She nods and hugs him.

Life goes on, sometimes he wonders about Peter and if he will remember, he draws the beach of the lonely, but doesnt seem to know what it is. 

One day he caught him grabbing a necklace and putting rings on it. Seven to be specific and Simon knows what that means. He steals Judith’s and puts one on his ring finger, but after a while he would look confused and take it off.

There are more things still, some are more fun, like him making himself smaller as if trying to account for a height or size he won't reach until his late teens. Others are sad, like drawing his older self and Elias fighting or getting married even if he doesn't know why he is doing it.

He doesn't hold a grudge per se with Jonah, he liked his domain in the apocalypse, he had loved to fly around even more. He knows that technically it was the Archivist who killed Peter and that he got himself there out of his own stubbornness, it doesn't take away the fact that now he would yell at him for his son’s sake.

Oh, if Peter finds him and he wants to get together again he won't begrudge him, it is his life, but he will have words this time about hurting him.

His boy is still very much himself, grouchy and anxious, but he is also… softer, kinder perhaps. It's a nice change for him.

Simon changed schools for Peter, his social anxiety had spiked the previous year and it wasn't getting better, the school had been private and the teachers had all of his sisters, so they expected him to be like them. Peter was too quiet and awkward and the other kids kept teasing him about being mute and how come he is from such a family but can't answer simple questions.

It got bad fast.

Simon could still cause people to get vertigo, but when he was mad? It was like they were falling again and he got a mild spot of satisfaction.

So a change was needed, he got a less prestigious school, he offered the principal a lot of money in exchange of making sure his son did not have to go through that ever again and so things went.

That year he realizes that the world is really small.

The archivist and Jonah were both there.

He was tempted to find both and get them out of the picture but well...

Peter said he didn't like Mr Sims, he felt like he watched him and he didn't like it, but his class was fun, he said it so lowly and embarrassed it was hard to hear. As for Jonah… it started simple, complains about him being weird and annoying and not letting him sit alone.

The more time it passed they turned in some form of passing compliment, when they got assigned to do a group project and he went to his house-

“I don't want to invite him here yet, i don't want him to know i live in a-”

“Mansion” 

“Mansion?”Judith and Aaron liked to tease him for sure.

He sighs.

“Yes a mansion, he doesnt know im rich, i want to… to be friends first” At that the other two soften and tell him its ok. 

Peter is really happy and things are good.

Finally he invites Jonah and his mom to spend the day at the house.

Ms Magnus was a sight for sore eyes, she took to the place very well and was a great conversationalist. Jonah ended up playing with Peter, Judith and Aaron outside while they talked.

Clara and Lydia came later and joined in, they both got along with Edith very well.

“I'm glad that they are friends, Jonah got into a fight with his other friends from childhood and they havent spoken since last year, im happy he met Peter, he is really a very sweet boy”

“Well they get along quite well honestly!” They do surprisingly, they don't fight, not like before, its teasing and fun bantering. Peter honestly looks happy to spend time with the other boy.

So from there their visits became more often. Simon enjoyed talking with another adult that wasn't trying to make him give them money.

Time passed and things got weird, Peter looked worried and admitted that Jonah had been acting a little off.

“He doesn't eat his food and he is talking less, he got into a screaming match with Jonathan Fanshware and has been acting off since” He is helping him with homework and he is trying to figure out what to tell him.

“Maybe it was the fight, they had been friends for long and now everytime he tries to get along he gets yelled at” Peter looks unconvinced, but relents.

Peter wasn't wrong, the next time Jonah comes, he looks a little bit more skinny and pale, he doesn't look at him and follows Peter mostly. His boy grabs Jonah’s hand and he can spy how Magnus cheeks go slightly pink.

Young love.

He would like to say that, but Peter has not shown any signs of liking the other boy beyond friendship.

Still, he does worry about him.

Simon was out, working for once, when things went down. By the time he arrives at home, Lydia is hugging Peter who is crying against her.

“What happened?!” 

“He- he remembers” He feels his heart break a little for him.

“What happened?” Peter holds Lydia and shakes his head.

“He wont tell me, he was with Jonah and then i heard a door slam, when i went to look Peter was running off his room and Jonah had left. He looked at me and said that he didn't know how i looked at this age before and started crying”

“Oh Peter-” He grabs him and the thirteen year old hugs him too.

“Si- Dad…” He holds him tighter.

It takes a few days, its a slow process in his case, he frowns and stares into nothing a few times, but slowly he seems to grasp onto everything else and he was honestly terrified that he would go down to the lonely again. 

Simon knows his own connection is weak, but it's still there, he doesn't want the boy to get dragged back in this life.

“I don't like it” He was reading in his study that night.

“What is it?”

“... I don't like who I was. I get it, but i don't want it. He was happy being alone, but i can't imagine being so glad to not have the others or you-!” Looking at him with a trembling lip, Simon sighs and looks sadly at him.

“I know, and you don't have to. You have a new life and chance, take what you know and use it to… to grow. It's the only thing i can think of” He stays quiet for a while, playing with the end of his sweater.

“I died to keep Jonah’s secret safe. Did… did it work?” He doesn't look at him. Simon looks to the window and sighs.

“It did, he won, the apocalypse happened, the entities came into the world all 15 i reckon” He looked up.

“All 15?”

“Yes it appears Mr Decker had been correct, the Extinction was a thing” Peter stays quiet for a few seconds before jumping up completely startling him

“HAH I KNEW IT, IN YOUR FACE ELIAS!!!” That made him choke a laugh that soon the other joined.

Peter says that it's hazy, he recalls if he thinks it through, but it's not something solid, he says that he sort of forgets if he doesn't focus on it. Simon… Simon has realized something similar, the less he dwelled on the memories of who he was the less he recalls them. He thinks it is the overthinking them that gets them stuck. The over obsession with them lets them fester.

Lydia admitted that by now, most of the things she remembered sort of are like a hazy dream, she will get dejavu sometimes or dream about them a lot, but she thinks that she could forget them completely one day.

“It was only important to me so i could make things better this time and keep them safe”

Despite their conversation, Peter never tells them what happened exactly that day, when Monday comes and he comes back from school he looks furious.

“He changed seats and kept running off!” His mood doesn’t improve during the rest of the week.

The next monday he says Jonah didn't come to school, by thursday he is practically climbing walls out of frustration.

“He doesn't answer his phone either, I tried to text and call, I even called his house but no one picked up!”

Simon is really considering this time finding him and threatening the boy.

Sighting he decides to call Edith at the very least.

Her phone goes to voicemail three times and suddenly he is considering that maybe its not a little fight the problem.

By the fifth time she picks up and he can tell that she is in a bad spot.

“Hi Simon “ She is choked up.

“Edith, I called to ask how you were? Peter has been trying to contact Jonah this last week and he hasn't answered…” She lets out a sob and he can't help but think the worst.

Did he die? Did someone who remembered saw the little boy and thought to get rid of him? Was he sick? Simon truly did not want him dead, he was a little ticked off at him for Peter’s sake, but he did not want the boy to come to harm, he was a nice kid, happy too.

“Edith?” He clutches his phone tighter.

“He- im at the hospital, i just-” He is alive then at the very least.

“Ok, ok tell me what happened?”

“I was already out but i saw a tiny spider walking on my wrist and i killed it, but realized i forgot my bracelet so i went home to get it- i saw his- his stuff lying around and called out to him but he didn't answer so- i looked for him and he left-” She breaks down and Simon is really feeling like he misjudged something somewhere. “He left a note on the door saying to not go in and just- just call the police- it took me a second to realize what he meant. I broke in and he was so still-!” He clenches his jaw, he recalls a life where he took countless lives happily, but it feels bitter now. “He took all of the sleeping pills” He thinks about Peter sending messages to no one and never realizing-

“Is he...?”

“He is fine now, he woke up, but he still-” She stays quiet for a little “They have to make sure he won't try to hurt himself again, he tried when he woke up, tried to scratch his- his eyes out-” So he remembers.

The two Jonah’s couldn't have lived more different lives, a version of him so different getting the memories of the man who brought the end of the world…

“Im sorry, do you need help?”

“I just don't get it- why would he-?! My- “ She starts to cry and he has to sit, he has almost 550 years worth of memories, but he doesn't know how to help in the slightest.

“Im sorry Edith i really am”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Simon’s chapter for so many reasons. Mainly because I love sky grandpa and found Families are the thing that keeps me going, he needed to learn his lessons if he wanted to be better. Also they would have been friends co parenting, no romance anywhere there, they would have been living the dream.  
> If you liked it leave me a comment they feed my soul.


	3. Peter

He doesn't remember the house, it's blurry and he only gets impressions of being cold, sad and scared. Mooreland House is more of an impression rather than an actual memory, albeit when he gets older sometimes he has dreams of a place where a child that looks like him, but can't possibly be is there walking around. Peter chooses to forget those dreams, just like all the others that make him feel bad. Trauma perhaps, leftovers from a childhood spent in misery maybe. His siblings all cope like they can and he is no different.

Sometimes he dreams about fog so thick that he couldn't see his own hands in front of him, those dreams leave him… not scared, but a little disturbed.

Peter remembers Simon, most of his memories are blurry about that age, but he recalls the short man plopping in front of him and talking kindly and friendly to him telling him a story about the ocean since he liked pirates and ships. The man was the clearest thing that came to mind about the orphanage.

His sisters come and he gets up to leave, as nice as the old man was, he didn't want to leave them, even if he felt familiar like so very little things did in his mind.

Peter didn't want someone to take him away. 

Her sisters were very insistent that he should not let any grown ups try to convince him to go with them, and ignore them if he could. He had failed and was scared that Lydia would yell at him, but she only hugged him closer and told him it was ok.

Simon came back for them, kept trying and trying and one day they were told they would go with him, he wanted all of them. Peter remembers feeling happy and safe while his sisters held him and Aaron while they walked around their new house. The old man wanted them and so they moved in. It was weird at first, but he liked it better than the orphanage, too loud and with too many kids running, now he only shared a room with his brother and his sisters were right there for them to reach in case of emergency. 

Still he was curious and a little bit wary despite feeling immensely calm around their new caretaker so he hid and followed Simon around, but the man would playfully ask where Peter might me and look elsewhere making him giggle. That got him caught, but Simon would laugh and ask him to tag along, soon Aaron joined him and the 3 of them would play around the house.

The old man tried giving them gifts a lot, Peter wasn't used to it, he only ever had his own clothes and a few crayons back at the other place. So this was unusual, but everytime he gave them something Simon would go away to do something else. He felt like it was a way to get rid of them so he hated it, so did his siblings apparently. 

Peter was small but he wanted the man to pay attention to him, not send him off. So he closed off and would refuse them, making the man try and get him to calm down, since he started to cry. Soon he resigned and would take him and Aaron to whatever room he was working and let them play there. He felt much better at that, and when the man looked tired they would ask him to play something instead, making him smile.

It felt good, he did that, he made him happy! Aaron was clapping along and following them trying to mimic what they did, the two year old was just less quiet than him, but still very well behaved.

Peter grew and the older he got, the weirder his dreams would get.

Sometimes he dreamed about a beach and a ship. Others about being in another house but he was alone instead and the boy there seemed happy with his solitude. When he woke up from those he always turned to see Aaron, but lately the boy would go to sleep with Judith when he had nightmares leaving him alone in their room.

He was scared and wanted to go too, but didnt want to bother his sisters or Simon since it was stupid and he was alreayy getting older. So he curled up hugging his plushy and tried to go to sleep again. 

The next night he woke up startled about a dream with a man on a beach asking him questions he didn't understand. He looks around, but is alone in the room, Peter is cold and scared and he can't bring himself to leave the bed. He holds Captain Fluffles and wishes that he wasn't alone. He hears something weird, looking to his brother's bed he sees a little of mist coming from underneath it.

Just a dream, just a dream-

The door creaks open and he turns, Lydia pokes her head in.

“Lydia?” Startled, she takes a second to answer.

“Peter? Why are you awake?” He thinks about telling her, but he is six and he doesn't want to sound like a baby.

“...” She sighs and he thinks maybe she will leave, instead she steps inside.

“Bad dream?” He nods weakly, but realizes she can't see him.

“Yes” The fog from the bed is gone now. She sits next to him “Why are you here?”

“I had a nightmare too” That surprises him and makes him poke his face from under the bed.

“Really? But you are big” She turns the little light on his table.

“Being older doesn't mean I don't get scared. I- I dreamed you were all gone, and Aaron was already with Judy so i came to see you” Oh.

“.... i dreamed about a man on a beach, he was alone and it felt bad” His sister's face makes a funny expression, but soon it relaxes.

“Oh Peter…” She stays quiet, but starts to play with his hair making him nuzzle her hand and yawn.

“Tired?”

“Yeah… Lydia? I dream about all of you being gone too sometimes” 

“I'm sorry” Peter is scared and so is Lydia so….

“Do you- can you sleep here..? So we arent scared anymore?” She gives him a smile, he doesn't realize how sad it is at that age.

“Yeah, sure” She hops in and after hesitating a little hugs him closer to herself. Peter feels…. safe. Blinking back some tears, he didn't know why it felt so odd, he hugs her back. 

“If you are scared you can come to any of us, we won't be mad” He hesitantly nods.

The 12 year old curls around her brother and they sleep. Neither of them have any nightmares for the rest of the night.

From there he would cling to his sister’s bed when he was scared. 

It was during one storm, so big that it felt like the sky was falling down that all of them were terrified and clung to each other everytime thunder hit. The lights went out and the door to the girls room opened and Simon came in to look at them. 

He told them there was nothing to be afraid of, they were inside and it was safe, but none of them could calm down. Peter particularly hated it, the loud sound startled him every time. 

“Well i think i have an idea, wait here” The man grinned while holding his flashlight and went out to get something. When he came back he had a bunch of blankets and pillows.

Carefully while Clara held the light he started to hang them and soon there was a giant roof of blankets, they all piled up the pillows inside and the man got a few of the mattresses there for them.

“Now listen-” Thunder hit, but this time it was a little more muffled. “Now let's get you all to bed” They piled up, Peter ended up in his dad’s lap while he started to tell them a tale of space pirates. He drifts off along the rest of his siblings and by morning he wakes up with all of them including Simon sleeping in a giant pile. His dad was lightly snoring on his back while he used his arm as a pillow, Lydia was on the other side hugging him, Aaron had his legs tangled with his, Clara was hugging Lydia's legs and Judith was the only one sleeping star fished on the mattresses.

It was weird, slightly uncomfortable with his brother kicking him, but safe. They were all happy and together. No one was alone anymore.

Peter loves Simon, he knows he is the first one to approach him and spend time with him out of his siblings which is weird because he was the most quiet and shy, but there is something that makes him feel relaxed around him. It's sort of a weird concept. It felt right to follow him and the man looked after them endlessly, making time for them, playing games, teaching them to do stuff and over all always being there.

So he muses that it makes sense.

Weird dreams become the norm the older he gets, soon he starts to dream about the man. 

Sometimes he gets the feeling that he dislikes him greatly, more often than not he feels thinly veiled indifference and annoyance.

But lately, as if he was uncovering something he shouldn't, as if it was something to be ashamed of, it felt like he loved him. It wasn't the same way he loved his siblings or Simon, it wasn't like family. A friend maybe? Peter doesn't have those, he is too shy in school and cant make them on his own. But he knew that this person understood him even when he didn't want to.

And that he loved him, even if he shouldn't.

When he is 8 his dream is different.

He is in an apartment that he vaguely recognizes, inside it's foggy and empty, or that's what he thought, in the couch is the man sleeping curled up and shivering. Peter looks at him and gets a warm feeling on his chest, hesitantly he goes to look for something to cover him with and picks up a blanket to put it on top of him, once he does the man stops shaking as badly and Peter in his dream starts to curiously poke his face lightly. The man scrunches up his nose, but doesnt wake up.

Awake he forgets soon enough about it, but the feeling he is forgetting something lingers.

It keeps happening, sometimes the man is cold and shivering, sometimes he is fine, but that person is always asleep and no matter how hard he pokes him or speaks he never wakes.

Years pass and school gets worse, his classmates mock him when he stutters his answers, his teachers make him stand in front to answer causing him to freeze, they even comment when they think he can't hear him about him and comparing him to his sisters. He starts to try and not go to school preferring to stay at home. The more times that passes the less he speaks and the worse he feels, being taken to school causes him a lot of distress, let alone thinking about having to see anyone there.

He knows they are all laughing behind his back and think he is stupid, he knows it. So he tries to make himself as inconspicuous as possible, sitting in the back, spending recess hiding somewhere. It's terrible until one day-

One day it's as if everyone forgot about him.

Even the teachers, as long as he didn't speak, no one realizes he was there, their eyes would sort of glaze over and pass over him. Peter was safe. Peter found some sort of super power and now he can be left alone.

Until his siblings found out about what had been happening to him and told their dad.

Simon tells him that he would be going to another school next year, he asked if he just couldn't be homeschooled, but he shook his head vehemently.

“It will be better I promise you” Simon always kept his promises, but...Peter doubted it, albeit now he knew he could just disappear from other people's radars so maybe it won't be so bad.

It was… ok, no one knew who he or his siblings were, let alone his family. Or maybe it was his dad paying off people to not comment on it who knows.

Peter didn't like new people or being in situations where he was forced to socialize, he just couldn't handle the attention and knew that everyone would be judging him and would laugh at him for it.

So being ignored was for the best, even if he couldn't make friends he had his siblings and dad and they all loved him unconditionally.

It was enough.

Things would have been ok, if it weren't for Jonah Magnus, unlike everyone else he always seemed to see him, he didn't speak with him thankfully, but he did notice him even while sitting together. It drove Peter insane, how come he is the only one that doesn't seem to slip his gaze right over him???

Oh and he wasn't the only one, Mr Sims did it too, but it felt more unnatural somehow, Jonah was like a cool gaze, Mr Sims? It was as if he was pinning him like a butterfly to a wall to show off.

It frightened him.

Still, Peter was curious. Jonah sat with him in class and recess, but he kept ignoring him, despite knowing he was there, what he did do during their free time was obsessively stare at two other boys who scowled everytime they caught him doing it.

It was puzzling.

Peter needed his reading glasses but he hated them, along with mocking him about his shyness some of the other kids did it about his glasses too, so he decided to not use them in public anymore. It made taking notes harder and reading slower.

He was struggling and it showed, he needed to be better or he will be mocked for being dumb- he-

“Do you want my notes? I already finished” Blinking confusedly he stared at the boy speaking directly to him for the first time. He panicked thinking that everyone would be looking at them, but no one seemed to pay attention, not even the teacher.

Nodding slowly, the other offered his notes and he started to slowly copy them, Jonah did not take them back until he was done and he never commented on how long it took him.

Jonah started to leave his papers in the middle so Peter could read them. During the off time Peter offered quietly a cookie his sister made to the boy without saying anything, he paused from his watching and took it slowly. Peter saw him take a bite and smile a little.

Huh.

The man in his dreams kept sleeping uninterrupted, Peter sat waiting, he didn't know what he was waiting for, but he felt it was important. Felt like this time he had to  _ stay _ .

Jonah wrote questions on the paper, they were simple, what was his favourite color, movie, book. Peter didn't answer immediately but started through the days to write answers back on the margins of his work. He saw Jonah grin a little.

The boy would talk now while they sat outside, he started to talk to him or maybe himself, but he ranted about different topics, from there he got what his own favourite movies, books or games were. Peter smiled a little at him and the boy stuttered.

He started to actually talk to him during class, Jonah was almost shaking on his seat when he told him very lowly that he hated math class; it was all so very boring.

From there it gets easier.

They start to talk in class and recess now, Jonah doesn't mind when he starts to blurt out his own thoughts, he even adds on and they bicker all in good fun. He thinks his ability to talk in class to the teachers is impressive, he would get them to start talking and as if he couldn’t hold it in, he would ask more and more questions. Jonah seems like he wanted to hoard all the knowledge possible.

For some reason he likes Mr Sims the best.

“But why? He is weird and he looks at us funny, doesn't he?” Jonah steals one of his cookies and rolls his eyes at him.

“I don't think he is looking at you, so i'm curious to see what is up with him. He acts… weird sometimes when i ask him something after class, not bad, but sometimes he gets this look and suddenly he tells me to leave” Snorting he steals his juice.

“Maybe he gets bored of being accosted with questions after class too?” Jonah narrows his eyes at him and Peter has the odd thought that he looks kind of nice.

“Shut up”

They get a new teacher. Miss James was… nice, she has the same sharp gaze as Mr Sims and could, albeit not as often, see him and ask questions making him freeze up. When she realizes that he can't answer she moves to someone else quickly letting him off the hook. Peter feels his face flush in embarrassment, he is such a failure...

Jonah kicks him lightly and smiles at him softly, making his hands start to sweat for some reason.

The teacher tells them to make groups of two to start a project and he turns to the boy, they will need to go to a house to finish it. When he hesitates about offering his, Jonah tells him his mom wont have any problem if he comes.

“She likes it when i bring friends home” He gives him a look, but ends up smiling and Peter feels something warm.

Friends…?

Is that what they are? He never really had…

Peter as it turns out wants to be friends with the boy a lot, that's why he tells his siblings that he would prefer to go to his house first, before letting him on the fact he was rich, not because he was scared that it would draw him off or that he was being nice just for his money, not at all.

Jonah asked if he wanted to have a sleepover too, his mom would take them to school the next day and they would have everything finished before that. Peter’s dad was ok with it and he had his phone in case he wanted to go back. He was very nervous since this was the first time he slept somewhere else so he didn't know what to expect.

Lydia took him there, the other boy lived in an apartment building with only his mom. They ring and after a while he comes down to open the door.

“Your mom?” Lydia is looking at him in contemplation, Jonah rolls his eyes.

“Went to buy more snacks, think she might buy the whole place at this rate, its just the two of us not an army” Peter grins a little and hugs his sister who kisses the top of his head. 

“Call if you want to go back or anything, we will come ok?” Nodding he lets go and follows the other.

Once they go to the elevator Jonah opens his mouth to ask the barrage of questions he was already expecting.

“How many sisters do you have? I saw her and another two pick you up- You look close-” And so on and on. Letting him finish his ramble he answers just as cheerfully all of them while they go in. The place is… nice.

Homely.

There are pictures hanging from the walls of Jonah and his mom, she was very pretty and looked a lot like her son. He realizes there are none of his dad and Jonah never mentioned either.

They start doing their project in the living room, Ms Magnus comes back while they are writing and discussing the true crime show Jonah likes to watch, Peter is not as avid as the other boy, who likes the mysteries of what happened, but he enjoys it nonetheless and finds the other excitement very nice.

He was also right in that his mom bought a lot of food.

“I'm sorry sweety. Peter you can eat whatever you like ok? If you need anything let me know, i will be working a little so you two have fun”

Soon despite goofing off a little they end up finishing and Jonah asks if he wants to go to his room and play some games. Following once there he a little while the boy untangles some cables. There are books upon books on his bookshelf and desk, some posters on the walls along some pictures too, he notices with a frown that some are cut off and that there is a picture frame lying down. Deciding it would ruin their fun, he doesn't ask about them.

They play and drink and eat some of the things Ms Magnus bought, they talk and laugh. They end up even making impressions about their teachers and Jonah tells him a lot of rumours about all the other kids.

“How do you even know that??” They were at this point sitting on his bed leaning against each other.

It felt natural in a way that should concern him.

“I listen and watch duh” He says that as if it was obvious, Jonah knocks into his shoulder and grins and Peter has to duck his head to the side to avoid-

Avoid what?

“Yeah, yeah, not all of us can be that great”

“I mean, you could, most of the kids forget you are even there, I'm sure you can hear plenty of gossip like that” Peter flounders a little, he doesn't want to reveal that he may be doing that on purpose.

“I mean, not my fault I'm that unnoticeable, hehe” Jonah gets up and stretches a little making him snap to look.

“Well shame on them I find you very interesting” Oh.

“Th-thanks” 

“I'm going to check if mom needs help with dinner, you can wait here” He goes and Peter is nos playing with his covers, alone, in his room.

Looking around his eyes go to the frame looking down, so silently he gets up and turns it up.

Jonathan, Barnabas and Jonah were all staring at him back smiling widely.

He puts it back down quickly and sits again. The broken pictures make more sense then, albeit, he can't shake a bitter feeling from seeing the way Jonah is holding Barnabas arm and smiling in the picture.

Dinner is hilarious, Ms Magnus started to tell him stories about Jonah, making the other try to stop her, but Peter was having a blast teasing him, making the boy mad.

Afterwards they went to watch some horror movies on the couch.

“Don't sleep too late boys, you have school tomorrow!”

“Yes Mom!”

“Yes Ms Magnus!” They were mostly old movies and they spend almost all of them laughing about the effects or how stupid most of the decisions of the protagonist were.

“Why run to the second floor??? There is no way out!” Jonah had a particular viciousnes about them making stupid calls.

“Well they are sort of stupid, but also, if you were being chased by a maniac i think most of your thinking would go out of the window” He groans and leans close to him and Peter feels something-

It's as if there was something so close to figuring it out, but he can't grasp it, like it turned into smoke in his hands.

After it ends, they go to bed, Jonah’s mom prepared him a mattress to sleep on the floor next to the boy's bed. He was almost drifting off when he heard the other say something.

“Mn What was that?”

“I said, thanks for staying… hadnt had a sleepover in a while, it was fun” Peter stays quiet, but answers back after a while.

“I had fun, i never had a sleepover before so this was… this was nice, thank you Jonah” He doesn't get a response, maybe he fell asleep, but Peter is content and soon he knows no more.

The man in the dream is still asleep, the house is even more full of mist and he struggles to reach him, when he does he notices that he is holding something against him, moving closer he reaches forward and realizes its a skull.

Peter wakes up with the alarm and Jonah groaning in bed.

Weeks later in Mr Sims class Peter was doodling some little eyes on the margins of his work sheets when the teacher asks him to answer, suddenly it feels as if a bubble bursts around him forcefully and he can feel everyone's eyes around looking directly at him.

Peter doesn't know the answer at all, Mr Sims pins him with his eyes and he feels terror coursing through him.

_ “Answer my question!” _

_ “No! Leave… me… ALONE!” _

The other kids are staring at him and he cant speak, he can only mumble a little and feel his eyes water, Peter wants to go home-

“It was a metaphor for death, the author had an obsession to use objects or elements to represent death on his works” Jonah answers next to him and starts to barrage Mr Sims with questions about if this was going to be in the test next week, suddenly his bubble comes back and everyone goes back to their works and forgets about him.

Peter takes the time before the bell rang to calm down. When it does he picks up his stuff and Jonah grabs his hand and hurries him along.

By the time they sit on their usual spot they are still holding hands, Peter doesn't comment and the other boy doesn't seem to realize. He can't really bring himself to speak like usual. Jonah looks a little bit bothered, but takes a breath.

“I was friends with Barnabas and Jonathan, but like last year, Jon punched me in the face for no reason and we haven't spoken since” Peter blinks confusedly.

“Which is unfair because i didn't do anything, but alas- Anyways the problem is that Barnabas joined his side and that makes no sense, cause we have been friends since first grade” Peter nods and squeezes his hand, making the other realize that they were still holding them and drop it.

He feels a pang of loss.

Jonah turns to look to the opposite side of the school yard. The boys are there talking and he can see they are leaning against each other.

“So it sucks! No matter what i say i can't get them to tell me what i did” Peter takes a sip of his orange juice first before replying.

“Maybe they are just stupid, you are very cool” Jonah chokes a little but ends up laughing.

“That- yeah, haha, that may be it, thank you” It seems to cheer him up so Peter starts to slowly talk more and more and suddenly he doesn't feel trapped in his own troubles.

He doesn't realize until much later that it was a way to make him feel better.

Its a few more weeks where he started to go to his house to hang out more that he decided to ask him and his mom to come to his place, all with permission of his dad obviously.

“That's very nice of you Peter!” Ms Magnus smiled warmly at him and he blushed a little, she had the same smile as Jonah his mind provided.

“What's so good about your place, that you want my mom to come too?”

“Well, um my dad wants to meet her since you are my- my um first...friend. And also, well i wasn't- i might not have told you something, its- im sort of…” He is really nervous.

“You mean rich? I sort of figured, its ok, like i get it why you wouldn't want to say it” Peter looks relieved and a little annoyed.

“Ugh, I wanted to tell you, was even nervous about it and you say it so flippantly, when did you even realize it?”

“Not at first, like a month ago i think? I saw a building with the Fairchild name and remembered you mentioning a few things that sort of clicked” 

“Ughhh” Jonah gives him a grin and he cant help but smile a little too.

It goes well, his sister and brother teased him endlessly but they liked Jonah, they played outside on the trampoline, played a few rounds of Uno, at which point Lydia and Clara joined.

His dad seemed to have fun talking with Ms Magnus, he ruffled his hair and patted Jonah’s shoulder a little making the boy stumble and look a little bit dizzy. Peter knows his dad can sometimes do that, just like he has his bubble, those are simple facts.

The sun was setting, he and Jonah were sitting outside talking and the reflection of the light made his hair and face glow. He felt something weird in his gut and had the odd thought of wanting to hold his hand. Instead he just placed it close by and brushed their fingers, Jonah kept talking but he did do it too. Peter felt as if his chest would collapse in a good way.

They get to do a presentation in front of the class, for one of their subjects, Peter wanted to bail, he couldt speak or stand in front of everyone. He just couldn't.

“Hey, HEY, listen to me ok? You know what to say, none of them care about it, honestly, if you can't stare at them look at me, just look at me Peter it will be ok” He holds his hand and he feels dizzy and its not only because of the presentation.

“I- i will try..” He smiles and nods decisively making smile back.

When Jonah speaks its as if to draw everyone's eye, when its Peter’s turn, he looks at him and talks, but the boy moves and starts to hang the papers with their work, making the others, including the teacher look at him. He finishes and they get the best score.

Once they sit, the boy bumps into him and grins wildly, making him laugh, he turns and doesn't notice the blush and look Jonah gives him.

Peter does start to pick on gossip and he tells Jonah, he grins and tells him he tends to talk with the girls in the higher grades and tells them whatever he finds for some money.

“Really?” 

“Business is business”

Jonah gets upset about Mr Sims being so snippy with him after class. They were at his place laying around the bed reading a few comics, he didn't really read them before, but Jonah got him hooked.

“I just want to ask him some questions! All the other teachers make me shut up, but he always let me talk in class, how come he practically runs off when i try to ask him something outside of it??” They had this conversation a few times before.

“Told you, he probably wants his time alone, imagine being surrounded by kids all the time and not having a break” He makes a frustrated noise.

“I would get that yeah, if he didn't take his time to talk with other kids, what is- what is wrong with  _ me _ ?” That makes him snap his gaze to the boy, who actually looks hurt.

“Nothing! There is nothing wrong with you, its just everyone else that's stupid. I li- like you, so do my siblings! The rest is just dumb” Laughing a little mirthlessly he shrughs.

“Maybe” It sits badly with him, but he really doesn't know what to tell him, so wracking his brain he gives him a hug, those always make him feel better. 

“What are you-”

“My sister’s hugs me when i feel bad”

“....” He feels a hand tentatively on his back “Thank you”

  
  


Peter was showing Jonah a video, they were touching their heads with how close they were along with their knees, his hands were a little bit sweaty while holding the device, and when the boy laughed and he felt his breath on his skin, his cheeks felt hot.

It was ok, until he felt being watched, Jonah must have done it too, because he looks up to a particular direction, following his gaze, he sees Mr Sims and another man-

_ “Hello Martin!” _

He grimaces, the man stares at Jonah and.. flinches? Soon he leaves with Mr Sims. Jonah stays quiet and looks back at the video, but he sees he is frowning. He lightly kicks him and tells him that Annabell put spiders in Jane’s bag the other day, making him turn a little, because of it Peter lightly brushes his cheek with his lips and leans back a little to explain.

Weeks later there is a parent-teacher conference, when he comes back, his dad tells him he should use his glasses.

“It's nothing bad, most of your teachers were happy with you, its only to make sure you can keep up my boy” He kicks his legs and frowns.

“I look stupid” Simon shakes his head.

“No you don't, and whoever told you otherwise is an  _ imbecille”  _ Peter laughs a little, his dad usually only curses in italian when he is really offended or mad. He really needs to keep studying it again now that he thinks about it.

“I… will try” 

“Mm?”

“I promise to try” Promises are important and he can’t not keep them.

Things were going well, his grades were good, he would go to hang out at Jonah’s house and he would come and stay at his. Things were great.

Jonah liked his glasses, he never used them during Mr Sims class, but the first time he put them on during math, he felt the other stare and he panicked and started to take them out.

“Hey I didn't know you needed glasses! I'm your best friend and now i found out? Rude” Peter lets out a calming breath and nods shakily.

The comment about being his best friend set something aflame in his mind.

“Yeah, i dont- dont like them, make me look-”

“Good” He feels him starting to put them back in place after his hasty attempt to take them off, even if for just a few seconds Jonah slightly touched his face and he ended up holding his breath. Suddenly it felt as if they were the only people around and he had to look elsewhere, less he said something embarrassing.

“Thank you” He sees him grin and he offers a smile of his own.

He feels his face tingle for the rest of the hour.

After science class some students had to stay to help clean up, Peter got his name called so he couldn't go to the recess, waving back at Jonah, the other left and he didn't see him until the next period.

When he sat the boy flinched and looked very pale.

“Are you ok? Do you feel sick?” Jonah looks a little dazed too, which is worrying and makes him hover a little.

“No, i- i got into a fight with Jonathan? Fanshware, anyways um, it didn't end well thats all” Peter scowls thinking about the boy.

“Should we prank him or something? Did he hit you again??” The other boy shakes his head and gives him a half smile.

“There’s no need really, I wont- i wont try to talk with him anymore i think” Feeling confused he hesitantly touches his arm, when he feels Jonah tense Peter takes it off, he clearly was in a bad mood.

“Did you… did he tell you why he was mad at least?” He sees him close his eyes and let out a breath.

“Yeah, he did” Jonah lets out a bitter laugh “Turns out it was my fault after all”

When he tried to get him to explain he refused and for the rest of the day he was quiet.

During class with Mr Sims, he only looked to his hands or paper’s and never looked up at the man

Peter has that dream again, the skull had frightened him quite a bit, but by now he was more or less ok with it. But unlike any other time when he approached the couch in the foggy house, the man was gone. He didn't comprehend for a little what he was seeing, when he did he started to search the house, Peter said a name that he could not remember, but no one came.

Checking the entire place calling out for ***** he realized that it was empty, the living room, kitchen, closet, bathroom and room. It was devoid of life.

Peter had waited and stayed this time around, but the man was the one to leave without him.

He wakes up crying that night.

Jonah doesn't eat, or well he eats very little, when he questions it, he mumbles something about not really needing it. He doesn't think it's right so Peter packs more food and shares, he gives him a weird look he can't decipher but eats all of it, making him sigh in relief.

That's not the only change, slowly, enough that it takes him a few days to pick on it, he realizes that the other boy had been talking less and less during class, Jonah doesn't watch the other two boys either, choosing to sit with his back towards them. Peter jokingly asks if he wants to spy on someone to get gossip, but it makes him frown and say something about being better if he didnt.

“The girls think i'm sort of a freak for doing it” Peter flinches, but looks at him.

“Who? Really we should maybe think of something to make them regret it, i'm sure i can steal some frogs from the science lab and dump them in their backpa-” Jonah holds his head and lets out a laugh.

“No, there is no need, its better if i just don't… bother them anymore '' He gives him a sad smile and he feels his chest constrict, Peter doesn't get it, but since he is looking so sad and earnest at him he will accept.

Sometimes he catches him looking at the rest of their classmates and mumbling, others he looks elsewhere when someone looks at him, which is so antithetical to what he usually is that it leaves him reeling.

Things keep going like this for the next few months, now he is the one talking to get him to participate, sometimes it works, sometimes Jonah looks like he would be anywhere else and he cant help but to think it might be his fault somehow, that he did or said something wrong. One day he snaps at him by accident and the boy looks up and he sees him grin, Peter apologizes and it makes him look away.

Whenever he was being nice Jonah pushed back or looked ill.

He doesn't want to be mean or fight, he recalls some of his dreams or drawings from when he was a child about a couple fighting and it fills him with loneliness and despair.

His friend admits when he almost falls asleep in class and hits his head, that he had been having trouble sleeping, his mom took him to the doctor and they gave him some sleeping pills. Wringing his hands in nervousness he asks what it is like. It gives him pause and he doesn't answer immediately.

“Its quiet” He asks what he means, but Jonah closes off.

He invites him home.

He barely leaves his side and he can't look to his siblings or dad. Peter in a fit of bravery holds his hand and drags him to his room, hoping he doesn't realize how sweaty his palm is by the motion. The boy acts a little more carefree when its just the two of them, but he switches from being his usual self to shutting down and he doesn't know what to do.

Jonah is getting thinner and has light bags under his eyes, despite claiming that the pills completely conk him out, he looks tired.

There are no more questions in class.

Giving him worried looks that he doesn't seem to notice, Jonah looks only at his desk during class and refuses to see Mr Sims at all.

He asks if he still cant sleep and he nods, he also says that everything is so loud most of the time confusing him.

“Well, when is it not?” Jonah looks at him a little and sighs.

“When its lon- …. when i'm with you” He was in one of those days where he was more prone to touch him , so he lets his head drop to his shoulder and Peter feels both elated and worried.

It was the last 15 minutes before class ended and his friend looked, if he had to be honest like shit, that he suddenly raised his hand and asked Ms James if he could go to the bathroom. She looked like she was about to object when she saw his face and nodded. Jonah runned off.

Jonah didn't come back, but Mr Sims came and told her something and she asked if he could pick his stuff for him, since his friend will be picked up by his mom.

Worried he puts everything in place and hands it to Mr Sims who leaves quickly after thanking her.

Peter wont see him until friday, he texts him asking what was wrong and he answers, saying he had a fever and was feeling really bad. After he wouldn't answer anymore.

He tells his dad about all of the changes, maybe he could help? But he doesn't know what else could it be beyond the fight with the boys, so Peter figures that if anyone knows it's them. Now that Jonah is gone he goes to follow them to try and understand what happened to get the boy he knew to turn like this.

It should have been easy, just follow them around unnoticed, but the moment he approached, the boy Barnabas looked directly at him and froze like a deer. Jonathan followed his look and after a few seconds his eyes seemed to catch onto him.

The three just stared at each other.

Peter wanted to leave, but he resolved not to, if he could get to help Jonah then he will put up with this. Puffing his chest and making the friendliest smile he could manage he gave a step forward when Jonathan looked at him scornful and hissed something he did not expect.

“ _ Lukas _ ” Peter barely remembers his original home, but the name is somehow seared into his brain. A wispy voice whispers 

_ right, family, destiny, lonely _

But he elects to ignore it, it doesn't matter anymore, he is a Fairchild.

Its what the other says that really baffles him.

“He looks sort of like Mordechai doesn't he?”

?

Blinking confused and bewildered at this rate, his smile sort of slips, but he soldiers on and tries again.

“Im Peter Fairchild, no idea who Mordechai is, anyways i just wanted to ask you what did you tell Jonah during your last little… “With thinly veiled disdain he continues “Fight, he has been very upset” Both look at him with something akin to pity and it makes his skin itch.

“You should stop staying around him, he will drop you once you aren't useful anymore” It hits something, but the other boy had been trying to be friends even before he knew he had money and made a bloody effort to talk with him when he was at his worst.

“Thanks for the advice! Albeit what i do is none of your business, now i asked you something” Peter… has gotten a little bit taller, certainly taller than them, not by much, but he made an effort to tower a little.

Jonathan crosses his arms and lets out a sigh.

“Nothing that wasn't true, even if he didn't remember it” That puzzles him immensely, but its of no concern, his hands twitch and he has this feeling about the other boy… he can see mist cling to his feet.

_ It would be a matter of time before it consumes him. _

He blinks and shakes his head feeling a little lightheaded, where did that come from-?

“Look i don't know what it means, but he likes you or at least misses you, its not fair to blame him for something he doesn't even remember doing!”

Jonathan looks angry and Barnabas… looks critically at him, making him squirm.

“He has a type, you certainly fit” That makes him look confused at him, what does he mean by-

“Yeah, i can see it, has the right looks and is sort of like you, what a good replacement” That feels like a punch and it also makes him angry. Jonah is not trying to-

“Did you know he had a crush on me?” Barnabas looks sadly at him and Peter feels like he walked to a minefield.

“I don't want to-”

“He probably-” Peter is furious, the fog clinging to Barnabas feet raises to his knees making him scream.

“Stop it! STOP IT” Peter doesn't want to, he wants him to shut- They were baiting him.

The mist stops and he leaves quickly, kicking a rock he looks miserably, he didn't learn anything useful. He doesn't want to think about the fog, its as if there was something pushing in his head trying to let him know, but he was terrified of what it was, so he ignored it instead, like every other weird thing. 

Its better if he doesn't know, at least that's what he tells himself.

The only thing that bothers him was not knowing why did the idea of Jonah liking Barnabas sat so wrong in his gut.

The other comes back and he pretends that nothing happened. His friend looked even worse during the next few weeks. The bags under his eyes are worse than ever, his skin is pale, he barely eats the food he gives him and worst of all, he can't manage to look him in the eye half of the time.

He also keeps saying that the other kids think he is being a weirdo, he questions when he heard that, but he clams up.

Peter is at his wits end.

After a very difficult week he asks him if he wanted to have a sleepover on friday at his house, they could have fun and not think about anything besides playing games or watching movies. He agrees and the days before, he acts a little bit more like his usual self, on friday he even gets him to smile a few times and to eat all the food he gave him.

It's fun, they played some games and they ended talking while hanging up in his bed. The day was grey, but there had been no rain yet, dad said it would come the next day and he was always right about it.

Laughing about Jonah’s impression of the librarian that seems to hold a grudge on him.

“Really Ms Robinson is terrifying, she seems to always catch me and scold me whenever im trying to pick up a book”

“Sounds like such a you problem” He flicks his nose and the othter sticks his tongue out at him. Conversation dies out, but its comfortable, the crush comment pops up nastily in his head and he twitches a little. Jonah, who is lying spread out on his bed as if he was the owner, looks at him in question.

And he looked very good-

Blushing he coughs to cover the misstep.

“It's nothing” He hums and looks around lazily, eventually setting on him, he clutches the cover a little.

“Is there anything wrong with my face?” He tries for a joking tone.

“No, your hair is getting longer” Oh, right he didn't have time to get it cut, it was reaching the back of his neck at this point. Jonah raises a leg against the wall in a very deft stretch “Could tie it up or push it back a little” When he says that he lifts a hand and pushes it back from his face. He feels his face warm. Laughing nervously at the turn of events he blurts out the first thing that comes to him.

“Well i like yours, it's fiery and matches your personality” Jonah drops his hand, making him wish he held it and looks startled at him.

The thing that really strikes him about the boy are his eyes, sometimes Peter feels as if his face didn't match to what he should see, but his eyes and mannerisms do, causing him to be confused.

The steely gaze is very cool and it feels like it sucks you in. Peter’s own eyes were a washed out blue.

He realized he was staring and was about to make an excuse when he realized Jonah was doing the same, when his eyes lightly looked downwards and up again, he felt his heart start to beat like crazy. Slowly the boy started to sit up and Peter almost as if under a spell stays in place. Holding his breath, he felt him approach his face and he suddenly had the realization about why he was so mad about the crush comment, or why he had felt his heart race, face flush and hands sweat being around the shorter boy.

When he finally presses his lips against his Peter figures that its because he really likes Jonah Magnus.

…..

Its just a soft press of the lips, he can feel the heat of his face against him and Peter,

Peter remembers

Its like an old friend letting him see, Peter hadn't wanted to remember before, but now the mist is gone and he can see-

Elias.

Elias Jonah James

All the same person.

His husband and not husband.

The Beholding and the Forsaken.

Marriages, fights, divorces, rinse and repeat.

The last divorce had been vicious, he was the one to request it, Elias had called a year and half later and they made a bet.

THE BET

The last bet, for the last divorce.

He wanted him dead, the loneliness would be endless if he did.

Peter lost and he went to the lonely and the archivist-

_ Mr Sims _

Asked- and asked and when he was done talking asked for more- asked for Jonah’s secret

And Peter refused. A last middle finger to the beholder.

It killed him, Peter died for Elias.

Jonah is looking at him, his face was still tired, but he was smiling timidly and flushing-

He was apologizing about the kiss and Peter feels a familiar weight on him-

“Elias?” Jonah blinks at him a couple of times and suddenly his face falls and if he thought he was pale, now he looked white as a sheet. He narrows his eyes, he must remember too, was this… was this all another game?

Jonah gets up from the bed and suddenly starts to put on his shoes like a mad man, Peter is still in mild shock and feels very detached at the moment.

Finally he manages to slip them on and grabs his backpack before making a run for it. That snaps him out of his mild panic but not fast enough, getting up he follows, but the sound of a door snapping shut makes him flinch. Lydia comes out of her room and looks at him running from his room stopping him on his tracks.

“Peter? What's wrong?” He wants to run after him and feels annoyed at the interruption wishing her gone, but as sudden as he thinks that, he feels like shit, when he looks up and sees his sister's face he realizes something important.

“Is this- is this how you would have looked back then? I didn't know it- i i never saw you again-” This is how Lydia would have looked at 19, Peter never saw her again after she turned 15.

Peter had been alone and happy for it in that life and he can't fathom why. He died and now he is alive and he found Jonah and they were happy and now it's ruined.

It was too much for him and he starts to cry.

Lydia looks like she saw a ghost and holds him against her, shushing him and telling him that it will be alright.

He can't believe her.

They move to the living room, she hugs him against her and asks what happened, but he cant tell her, what is he supposed to say?

Simon comes-

No, his Dad comes. He isn't just Simon, he wonders if he remembers him, if he wanted him for real or was just another way to amuse himself.

He hugs him too and tells him everything is going to be fine. His sister remembers and Simon does too. When he questions if it was all just a way to mess with him they both make him look at them.

They look like someone hit them.

“Never, Peter is was never a game, I didn't know who you were then, but I felt that I wanted all of you. And when i did recall it just told me why. Oh my boy” He kisses his head and Lydia grabs his hand.

“I remembered when i was young too, i remembered how lonely we were and that this time- this time i wanted all of us to be together Peter we all love you its not a game”

“I love you too” He clutches her hand and his dad.

It takes him almost all weekend to recall most of it, he would space out and remember something and he would parse through it to try and figure out what to do with it.

So far the only conclusion he gets is that he didn't like the person he was, he could now understand why the other Peter was like that, but he doesn't want it.

He tells his dad, because that is what Simon is now to him, that he doesn't like who he was and that he doesn't want to be that anymore.

“I know, and you don't have to. You have a new life and chance, take what you know and use it to… to grow. It's the only thing i can think of” He stays quiet for a while, playing with the end of his sweater, was that why he remembered when he did? As a way to recall why he should stay away from Jonah? That he should not get with Elias again?

It leaves a bitter taste on his mouth, he died for him, he… he loved him, or at least other Peter did, now? Now he is not sure if what he felt was real or just an echo of a past life slipping through.

“I died to keep Jonah’s secret safe. Did… did it work?” He doesn't look at him, he wants to know if at the very least it was worth it in the end.

“It did, he won, the apocalypse happened, the entities came into the world all 15 i reckon” He looked up, 15? No, there is no way.

“All 15?”

“Yes it appears Mr Decker had been correct, the Extinction was a thing” Peter is reeling, he was right, he had been right this whole bloody time!!! He jumps up and grins, he was right and his husband was an idiot-

“HAH I KNEW IT, IN YOUR FACE ELIAS!!!” His dad chokes a laugh, but starts to actually laugh for real and he joins soon enough.

The memories are hazy still he tells him, when he thinks about them he can recall with more clarity, but half of the time he doesn't and so they slip away like fog. It doesn't bother him much, he is glad they don't stick. Peter knows exactly what he needs, the rest? The rest is just-

“Confetty?”

“What?” Judith is tying his hair in a ponytail.

“Yeah, like unnecessary and gets everywhere” He mulls it over.

“...yes, exactly like confetti” His sister doesnt remember, neither does Aaron or Clara, dad and Lydia say that they probably never will.

“Some people just… don't”

Still he tells her and she believes him.

“Why?” She hums and puts the small ribbon on the ponytail.

“Because, i have seen dad make people dizzy with just a touch, because… sometimes there is fog under your bed and Lydia can make it rain if she is feeling really sad. Having you all remember a past life where everything was bad is the least weird thing. Im happy not remembering, if i was miserable and didnt have all of you” 

“Oh” She nods and blows air making him shiver.

“Done” He looks in the mirror and it looks really good, she even added a small braid mixed in “Now make the dork regret ditching, I want to tease my new brother in law” He scowls.

“Its not like that, besides… besides i don't even know if it was real, or just a left over from that life” He sits again and holds his legs “For all i know he was messing with me, or i was just getting the feelings from other Peter and-” She hits the back of his head.

“Oi, shut it dumbass“ She pinches the bridge of her nose “I don't know about him, but from what you said? I think it's you, I really think it would be very weird if you got the feelings from old you for the other boy. Plus they don't look alike right? I think you just got a crush for your friend cause he is nice, fun and you gets you, no ulterior motive here, then again what do I know?” He groans and goes to his room.

“So go get him!!”

“Shut uuuuup”

Peter was terrified and very nervous, but he wanted to make things clear, he wasn't sure yet, if he wanted to reject the other as… anything besides friends, but he did know that he wanted him still in his life. 

He wouldn’t run off like other him.

That was the plan, but when he goes to class, Jonah is sitting next to the door and he is left standing bewildered. He doesnt look up and the seat next to him was already occupied so Peter looks to the back and sees a girl looking nervously.

He switched their seats.

Walking dumbly to his seat and sitting down, his new companion’s eyes go hazy and she looks over him.

The moment the bell rings Jonah runs off, Peter tries very hard to find him, but the other has the advantage of knowing the school like the back of his hand. Defeated he sits alone.

It goes like that the rest of the day.

By the time he is home, he is furious. He texts him, but he doesn't answer, he only gets read.

The rest of the week goes down on the same vein making him even more mad.

But also…

Peter stares at him and realizes that he is way more twitchy and really flighty. If there is a loud noise Jonah flinches. Sometimes he does it when everyone is quiet and he doesn't understand, the bags under his eyes are worse and he looks even more skinny. He was only eating because he got him food. No idea at his house, hell his mom must be panicking with how he looks.

He tries to think things through, Peter… he didn't want to leave, didn't want the other to keep spiraling, he wanted him to speak with him, yell, tell him to leave, anything was better than this!

There was probably nothing worse than this.

He glares at Mr Sims any chance he gets, but flinches everytime he turns to look at him. An echo of having his story ripped out of him and the feeling of his head bursting makes him feel nauseous. He doesn't want to die. He doesn't want him to hurt him again-

Peter panics slightly in class, but when he realizes that the man doesn't seem inclined to speak with him or do him any harm he ponders if he doesn't recall. Still the fear even if irrational is there.

During recess he feels Mr Sims, Jonathan and Barnabas stare at him, he had to give up, no matter how hard he tried he couldn't find him. He ignores them.

Friday was like the rest of the week, Jonah running off, him being alone and simmering. The day was grey and it had rained a lot, Lydia came to pick him up, Peter was about to leave, but saw a shadow on the wall and turned to look at the window, a rather big spider was sliding down on the opposite side, it disappeared but he heard muffled voices and recognized Jonah’s.

Going to the window to look outside, he saw Jonah talking with Jonathan and Barnabas, the boys were pale and looked really disturbed. Jonah waved his arms around in maniac glee, before dropping them as if they got cut off by a string. Suddenly he was only breathing hard looking at them, giving Peter his back.

He sees him tense and turn around to stare right at him. Peter freezes in place the boy looked half mad, but when he saw him it turned into complete and utter

Misery.

Peter clutches the window to try and open it but the boy seems to realize, he shakes his head at him and runs off.

He goes outside running, but he was already gone, the other boys too. Walking to the way out he sees Lydia and waves sullenly.

Maybe he should have tried to look around better, because as it stands?

That would be the last time he would see Jonah for a long while.

In the weekend he tries to not think about him at all, everything that reminds him of Jonah is put on a trunk to not be seen.

He spends it instead playing games with Aaron and letting Judith play with his hair, his brother sighs dramatically, but joins too.

“Judy that hurts!”

“Well, maybe if you had longer hair it wouldn't! Why are you even trying if you know it wont work??!”

“Peter is moping and is sad, so we are moping with him!”

“Im not moping!!” Her sister rolls on her back.

“You really are, look do you want us to go and try to intercept him or something? We could wait it outside his house, he has to leave eventually” He thinks that would be too extreme, but at this rate it might be an option.

“...Lets save it for now, but not put it out of the table yet” She sighs and starts to pull part of his hair to tie it on the back leaving the rest loose.

“Huh, that look nice”

“Yeah, maybe you can get another boyfriend or girlfriend, whatever you like” Peter frowns, he has never really put much thought about his preferences, Elias sort of wormed his way into him and the rest was history. Forsaken didn't leave much to relationships and he prefered solitude too.

“Dunno, i like boys for sure no idea what else” He doesn't really imagine thinking much about girls beyond that they are pretty, but intimidating, albeit boys could be too. He wasn't really interested much in people, hell his relationship with Elias consisted of him leaving and when he did spend time together, what he enjoyed the most was cuddling even if other Peter would die rather than admit it. The other activities… He flushes and buries his head in his legs.

Were fine and nice, but not really something he would do on his own volition otherwise, he was more happy with how Elias was happy than anything else.

“Lets say its complicated, i'm weird and literally Jonah is the only person i have ever lo-... liked, pathetic i know” Aaron stares and drops half on top of him.

“wHAT” Judy joins and he is buried by the weight of the other two.

“Lemme goooo”

“Nope, you are sort of weird, but its not bad, so what if you only like one person? Maybe he is  _ your person _ who knows?”

“Maybe it's destiny! Maybe there is a greater force somewhere pulling things to make sure you meet and stick together! You make each other better”

“HARDLY think destiny wants this?! Also- pfff We made each- each other worse then” He feels Judy grab his middle and poke it.

No.

“Ju-judy dont you da-” She tickles him.

“Pfff-heahahaHAHAA SSSSTOP” He tries to kick them off, but Aaron joins and he can't breathe.

“Never! Stop putting yourself down you weirdo, also you said so yourself it was then, now? Now my brother had a sleepover, he presented his project in front of the class!”

“Yeah, you are weird, but you are ours and we are also weird so it sorts itself out. And your friend is too so stop it!”

They end up tiring and Peter feels much better.

“Thanks”

“No problem”

“... i love you guys” They smile.

“Love you too”

He dreams of a tower- the Panopticon stares at him and his feet move up. Once there he sees the chair, even when he doesn't want to, his feet begin to move and guide him to it. Sitting there instead of the 200 year old corpse is Jonah as he knows him.

The boy was still and pale and what made him wake up and go throw up in the bathroom was the fact that he wasn't breathing and half of him was encased on spider webs.

On Monday Jonah didn't come to class, he tried not to think too hard about it, but he kept recalling the nightmare, the girl who sat next to him went back to her seat. Peter texted Jonah non stop, but none of the messages got ever read.

He was getting more frustrated and panicked, maybe he should wait outside his house at this rate. By Thursday he really is thinking about just doing that. Tired and really worried he tells his dad.

“He doesn't answer his phone either, I tried to text and call, I even called his house but no one picked up!” Simon frowns and tells him he will see if Ms Magnus knows what's up.

That calms him down a little.

His dad leaves during dinner and tells Clara she is in charge.

“An emergency i'll see you tomorrow night” And he goes, the feeling of dread grows.

Peter thinks.

He is not mad about dying, that was honestly on him and Mr Sims. He is mad about losing the bet, he is mad that he doesn't know what is wrong with Jonah, he would think that if he already remembered things would be easier, but he hasn't acted like he did before or like the boy he met and… and liked-

Because he does like him, quite a lot in fact. He can't pretend otherwise. By now he doesn't even think he was playing with him, his responses were far too real.

Peter wanted his friend, he wanted Jonah in whatever capacity he could get, he was tired of whatever this was. 

He just wanted him to go back with him and  _ stay,  _ Peter didn't want to leave anymore.

His dad comes back Friday night and tells him to come, he has a terrible feeling.

“Peter… look, i need you to sit ok? What i'm going to explain is not nice, but you deserve to know” With his heart hammering in his chest he drops on the couch. Dad grabs his hands and looks at him firmly and kindly.

“I called Ms Magnus like I told you. i left yesterday to go check on her, because she is in a really bad place” Nodding and swallowing bile he waits “Jonah is in the hospital, has been since last saturday in fact” He clutches his hand 

“Is he-”

“He is… better physically. Mentally? “ Peter looks confused at him and Simon closes his eyes and lets out a breath “I'm not really good with this my boy, sometimes i wish Celeste was still here…. regardless. Jonah… hurt himself badly that's why he is there, why he is still there, he keeps trying and they need to make sure he doesn't” He can't really wrap his head about what he is saying.

“What do you mean hurt? Why would he hurt himself?” Something is there at the back of his mind that he is refusing to see.

“Peter, he tried to… he tried to kill himself” He laughs in disbelief. Jonah? Jonah Magnus who wanted to be kind of a ruined world? Who killed and body hopped to live? 

“Hahaha, that is- that is not funny he wouldn't-” Simon looks tiredly and patiently, making him wander off, then the panic sets in.

“He- he wouldn't, Simon its Jonah! He- killed and started the end of the world to  _ live  _ ! The end is what he was most afraid of!!!” 

“I know, but he lived two  _ very  _ different lives and the guilt… it probably ate at him. You said he started to act off when he fought again with Barnabas and Jonathan, he probably recalled then and things started to build up. Who knows how he took all of it on his own” Peter didn't-

Peter didn't know because he was scared of pushing too much and making him hate him.

“Its- its my fault, I should have insisted more-” Si- His dad picks him up and hugs him, shushing him.

“No, it isn't, it's not your fault, things piled up, you not knowing how to handle it was not your fault” He was fine until he ran off.

“But he run of because of me- i- called him Elias and he looked terrified and i was mad and confused and he-”

“Peter? Peter shhh, no, its not on you really” Sobbing he feels terrible, a part of him misses the numbness he felt before, but he also hates it with a burning passion.

School ended in a month, after school he would go to the hospital and wait, the nurse would go to tell Jonah he had visitors, but everytime she came back looked at him sadly and said that he didn't want to see anyone.

Peter kept trying, he wasn't mad, he wanted him to  _ know.  _

So he kept trying and waiting, this time, he would stay and wait for as long as it took.

Neither had to be miserable or alone this time around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh much better, i had to work and rework this a few times, but it was worth it.  
> Here we have Peter’s point of view of Jonah’s downward spiral and his own budding crush.   
> The only one to be closer to the eye of the storm, yet not grasping it fully either. Jonah’s chapter will take a while since it should be the longest. maybe i should split it in two but no idea yet.  
> Now reasoning here, Peter refused to remember, so his memories spilled subconsciously in his actions and dreams more than the others.   
> Thank you for the comments!!! I love them and make my day.


	4. Jonah Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to split it, part one is the downward spiral, part two is the aftermath. Went a little hig wild with it.

The story goes like this.

Jonah is happy.

He has his mom and his friends and things are great.

Sometimes he thinks there is something off, like he is waiting for the other shoe to drop, the times he thinks that are very far and in between.

His mom was the most amazing person ever, he doesn't recall his dad at all and after the divorce it was agreed that she would get full custody, usually it didn't bother him, because if his mom left him it meant he wasn't good, but sometimes he saw the other kids with both of their parents and he wondered.

More than anything he wondered why the man never tried to reach him. He asks his mom when he is 8 startling her.

“Oh Jonah your dad… he wasn't- i mean he felt-” His mom who was always sure of herself was stammering and hesitating. He wanted to  _ know,  _ but she looked so distressed…

“Its ok mom! It doesn't matter if I have you and you are the best in the world. I was just curious” She smiles a little bit more gently and goes to hug him, she practically squeezes the life out of him.

“Oh my little angel” Kissing his forehead she asks what he wants for desert distracting him.

Later, even if he wanted to know he knew it would hurt her so he let it be, but he couldn't help to have a small voice in his head telling him that maybe the problem had been him. All of their pictures before he was born showed them being happy. The ones where he is a baby only have him and his mom and his father never grabbed him or looked at him in the ones he did have of the three of them. 

He ignores it, but that idea would always seem to stick with him no matter what. 

Barnabas and him met in first grade, the boy was sitting alone and looking miserable and as if a switch in his head had turned he knew he had to approach him, from there they became friends and it was weird to not see them together. Later Jonathan would join them and they would be inseparable, their moms would take pictures and they would hang out and have fun.

Barnabas was kind, quiet but also very charming with the adults, he could put on a face that made their moms give them more candy and later he would joke around them that it was his gift. 

Jonathan was clever, witty and very no nonsense, they enjoyed mysteries and had fun making random experiments and recording them in the name of science, they both wanted to know what would happen.

Horror stories were something that really interested him, it brought back both a feeling of disgust and awe at it when it was well done. When he grew older and his mom let him watch horror movies, he liked the psychological ones far more than the gory tales. Albeit both types unnerved his friends intensely.

Some days he would catch them looking at him with a far away look that puzzled him and privately it made him squirm a little, it felt too pointed, too sharp.

Jonah was scared that they would see something and mock him, true he always tried to present himself as unflappable and loving attention, but there was a part of him that was… scared about not receiving it, that all his accomplishments and love wasn't deserved and everyone knew and mocked him behind hi back. He was good at pretending it didn't bother him.

He would become very good at pretending until he wouldn't, but that would happen later.

One day Jonah started to feel his cheeks flush and his hands sweat a little when his oldest friend was around, he couldn't really pinpoint the reason why at first, or if he had to be honest? He couldn't admit it to himself. He knew most of his classmates talked about girls and who they thought cute, but he wasn't all that thrilled about it, oh he would bluff and act convincingly if anyone asked, but in reality he held no particular interest in any of the girls in his class. He liked them sure, but he only liked the ones who were the most clever, not for looks, but because he enjoyed their company or their talks.

He liked to know gossip, it was a way to defend himself, and his friends, if he knew other people's secrets he could use them against them and make sure they were unbothered.

Eventually he would admit, even if to himself that he had sort of a crush on Barnabas, which caused him to freak out immensely in his room. Jonah was terrified of being found out. That his friend would think him grose or weird, that his mom would reject him and his friends would leave him. So he decided to not say anything, surely it would go away on his own.

It didn't, but it also felt somewhat… off, like it was more of a sad fondness for him, but he couldn't understand it. The same way as how he never understood his feelings regarding seeing sailors or things related to the ocean in books or movies.

He dreams about a house covered in fog and a pile of bones left there, it moves and now its a beach and there is nothing but a familiar necklace full of rings left in the sands, like its owner decided to spite him one more time before the end.

He wakes up and he feels tears on his face, but doesnt understand why.

The story, or the moment he feels that everything started, was in the last month of class before the holidays. He had gotten sick, nothing bad, but it caused him to miss school for a few days. At first he would text his friends endlessly, but on the third day they both stopped answering. Slightly concerned he convinced himself that maybe he had been spamming them too much so he stopped sending things, By wednesday he was fine enough to go back to school and was practically vibrating on his feet to meet up with the others.

Things were fine until of course they weren't, when he entered the classroom, Jonathan and Barnabas were sitting together and his usual spot was occupied so he had to sit further away. Neither of them said anything to him causing him to start thinking possible explanations.

When reccess came he went directly to speak with them, but when he tried…

Jonathan turned to him and with a furious expression punched him in the face, causing him to fall back.

“What the fu- Jonathan?!?”

“Fuck off you two faced snake!!” His head was ringing and he was absolutely confused.

“What are you talking about-”

“Jonathan it's not worth it- he’s not-” That felt like a punch and the gut and made him look up at them. Both boys were looking at him in anger and disappointment and he wasn't sure which one hurt more.

“I don't know- Look if i said something bad i'm sorry i don't know why you are mad- i just” Jonathan started to walk to him, making him crawl back in fear of getting punched again.

“Of course not, heh- its not a game is it? No- you bloody- even like this you couldn't give us peace, you had to come again into our lives i can't believe this Jonah” More and more confused along with feeling like someone was trying to puncture his chest he tries to plead, but Barnabas grabs Jonathan's hand and squeezes, it makes his heart hurt for another reason.

“It won't solve anything, he doesn't know, lets just- lets just go” The boy scowls.

“Guys i really am sorry i -”

“Oh fuck off” Jonathan pries his hand from Barnabas and tries to go at him again, but the teacher finally came and took all of them to see the principal.

When asked he told the truth, he didn't know what happened, they just were mad at him and suddenly he got punched. From them they got nothing either, still they had to call their parents. His mom fuzzed over him while the other’s moms scolded them and apologized to his. 

“Don't apologize he deserves it!” Jonathan’s mom yells at him and they fight, Jonah just wants to go home at this rate. Mom sees him and says they can talk it out later, but asks if she can take him home now. 

She gives him hot chocolate and tries to cheer him up but its to no avail.

The rest of the days left of class they sit far away from each other, the boys block his number and he is alone.

Somehow he did something that he doesn't remember to make them hate him. He dreams about a door, its locked and no matter how much he tries to open it, it won't budge.

He spends his time before the school is back and he starts the new year on his own. His mom worries and he spends a lot of time with her, which is nice, but its not the same as having his friends.

The other kids he was never close, they thought him too cocky and that he was too smart and talked too much. So it really was just him. When his mom was at work, he would go to the library to read, that at least brought him some joy, or at least it did until the kind librarian that worked there got replaced by Ms Robinson.

She was terrifying and seemed to always look at him with a calculating eye, he doesn't want to say it, but maybe even angry. When he is there he is on his best, no sound, just grabbing a book and sitting to read. Still he could feel her stare and it was so unnerving that he eventually stopped going, Jonah takes books with him, but he doesn't stay. So he goes to the park instead.

Sitting there he reads under a tree and tries to imagine himself in some of the stories, when it's not enough he heads back home and watches some of his favourite shows, at least there, problems get solved easily and friends don't hate each other for nothing. Curling up on his favourite fuzzy blanket he tries to not feel as bad.

Jonah was alone and his mom did everything she could to try and cheer him up, but it wasn't really working, well, he knew that, but he acted as if everything was fine with her. No need to worry or stress her out more than necessary.

So he laughs and jokes and lies about having fun while he is on his own. She seems a little bit less worried and smiles more at him. He loves her so much he doesn't want her to worry.

His brain offers that he also doesn't want her to think he is a mess and that the others were right about ditching him.

He hasn't even told her he liked boys yet for fear of rejection.

She wouldn't, he knows that, he is sure that she wouldn't, but it doesn't make him stop thinking it.

Time passes and a new year begins, he is resigned to see the others in class, but when he goes to sit in the back he notices they aren't anywhere, very confused he asks one of the girls about it and they give him a look that makes him feel judged.

“They changed classes” 

… They wanted to see him so little they just ditched him in class too. Thanking her with a smile while she rolled her eyes, he sits back and looks outside the window in a foul mood.

Before class starts he sees a boy sitting next to him. He looks a little bit better to see him and realizes that he has never met him before. A little bit taller than him, dark hair, pale skin and light freckles. He can't see his eyes since he keeps them down and doesn't look at him or, as he would realize later, anyone at all. 

A new student?

The boy looks nervous as all hell and seems to make himself smaller when he feels his eyes on him, making him raise his eyebrows in bewilderment.

This was… unexpected.

He doesn't speak, or at the very least only when a teacher calls his name, besides that he remains quiet as a mouse. It makes him infinitely curious about him. The only thing he learns is that his name is Peter Fairchild.

Focusing on trying to figure out the boy is enough of a distraction for him.

Mr Sims is  _ fun. _

Most teachers can barely keep up with him or tell him to not interrupt the class, but the man is quick and seems capable of just following his train of thought and answer his endless questions, soon some of his classmates even start to join in and ask their own and it turns in a dabate making him grin elated.

Adults, he has realized, are usually boring or don't like him asking questions, but Mr Sims isn't, he loves it.

Peter looks at the scene happen and remains quiet, but he notices his lips turning up a few times when he talks about adventure books.

Huh.

During recess, he saw the boy sitting down alone, either he found a place to sit on his own and have the other kids stare or sit with him and pretend he wasn't having a terrible time.

…

The choice was easy.

Peter startles when he suddenly drops next to him, but he ignores him, after a few tense seconds where Jonah imagined he would get up and leave-

And what a sting that would be, even the loner new kid didn't want to stay near him-

The boy stayed. Good, from his seat he could see further away Jonathan and Barnabas talking and laughing together making him clench his jaw in anger. Peter just gave him side looks, but did not comment on it, for that he was thankful.

From there they took a routine, sitting together from then on. When the others noticed him staring they would scowl at him, at least Jonathan, Barnabas just looked elsewhere making it hurt more.

He looked down and started to eat upset, it's been two weeks already and he feels like this year was going to be a long and sad one. Jonah was absorbed thinking it, when he noticed a cookie left next to him. It wasn't his, so he looks sideways and Peter was very thoughtfuly ignoring him, while looking elsewhere.

Feeling something tight around his chest he tried it, the thing was homemade and it was really good. He eats all of it and says nothing, but he catches him lifting his mouth a little.

Oddly it felt good to see that.

It didn't stop, sometimes it was a cookie, sometimes it was something else, but Peter would drop something edible near him every time they sat together. Once it was just a box of orange juice, which made him feel particularly touched, since Peter only ever drank apple so he bought it for him in specific. He didn't understand why he was being kind, was it pity? But no, it didn't feel right, he was for sure even if he didnt know why that other boy would hate pity.

So it left him puzzled, enough that sometimes he would just not look at the others and enjoy sitting quietly with the other boy. That's what made him notice the fact that no one was looking at them. Not in the sense that it was because there wasn't anything to look, but their eyes would just glaze over them and give them a wide berth of space.

It happened in class too, Jonah had grown used to teachers looking at him to make sure he didn't get up to something and the other kids usually glared if he was being too loud, but ever since he sat with Peter everything has been quiet and peaceful.

As if they were in their own personal bubble.

Jonah puzzled over it a lot, there was no explanation, Peter was not doing anything and yet-

and yet the image of fog and a beach appeared in the back of his mind. It was painful so he abandoned the line of thought.

Another thing he noticed about the boy now that he was paying more attention, was that he seemed to struggle to write in class, he was slow to take notes and to write them down before the teacher erased them.

Biting his lip in though he considered the kindness he gave him about the food. He thought about what to do, either ignore it and see what happens or do something. His chance came when during one class the boy seemed to be blinking repeatedly and looking very upset. 

Watch or help.

Peter seemed more anxious and finally he came with a resolution.

“Do you want my notes? I already finished” The boy blinked at him confusedly, he seemed to have a brief moment of panic since he turned to look around, but as Jonah had noticed before no one was paying them any mind. He nodded slowly, so he offered his notes. Peter started to slowly copy them, he squinted a little and it took him a while, but he did not press or ask for them back, he kept writing in another paper, only took the one he gave him when the boy seemed to be finished.

Jonah wanted to know him, so he needed to make sure he liked him. He was tired of being alone and somehow it felt right to be around the other, as if it made sense somehow. So from then on he would leave his papers in the middle to let Peter read them and write them down.

During recess the boy, quietly and finally very plainly, offered him another cookie, but this time he gave it to him directly instead of letting it near him. It made him pause and he grabbed it slowly so as to not spook him, he took a bite and just like before it tasted great, he smiled a little, it seems he was finally going somewhere.

Things kept being like that for a few more days until he decided that he wanted to know more about him. So in the spirit he started to drop little messages in the margins to ask him questions. Peter clearly saw them, but didn't reply. 

It made him feel a small pit in the bottom of his stomach, thinking that perhaps the boy was just amusing him and that he held no interest in him whatsoever. Jonah hasn't stopped thinking that maybe he was somewhat the one with the problem, but by the end of the day, Peter had in fact wrote back answers to his questions making him grin. 

The answers were short and blunt, blue, pirates of the caribbean, the Percy Jackson saga, all stuff that he craved to know, it was like he found a secret treasure, but could only peek a little to see inside. 

Jonah wanted to know  _ more-  _ His mom always claimed that his curiosity was one of the best things about him, most teachers amused him at first, but the older he got the more they thought it was a little tiring to have him ask nonstop. Or maybe it was just that he had boring ones.

Things is, he was a curious creature and liked to hoard what he knew.

“You crave answers like a dragon little one” His mom would pinch his cheek and laugh, but she was not wrong. Peter slowly answered more and he felt great. Now Jonah would talk too during recess, no one gave them a look while he ranted non stop about whatever crossed his mind, he even let on his own favourite things to not make the other boy think he was being weird. Jonah was going on a tangent about his favourite puzzle game when he saw Peter smile at him, he got used to seeing half smiles or an upturned lip. This was more… real, it looked somewhat amused and fond, it shocked him so much that he stuttered.

His heart was beating much faster. 

_ His husband rarely smiled that openly at him, it was usually full of smirks and empty smiles, E**** sometimes felt like this marriage was more of an inconvenience, but sometimes the man, if caught off guard, would give him an honest one and he would fall down the rabbit hole again. _

Blinking rapidly he let out a breath and kept talking, soon the thought that came to him disappeared and Jonah felt at ease. 

He didn't want it, whatever that was, he didn't want it.

When Peter actually said something in class he was shaking from excitement in his seat, he wanted to bombard him with questions, but had to self restraint, otherwise the boy would clam up, he had to be slow or it wouldn't work. From there things advanced more calmly, now they start to talk for real, Peter had something of a dry sense of humor and enjoyed puns to a high degree, sometimes he would just say one in the most cheerful yet deadpanned way and he had to struggle not to groan or laugh. 

He also likes to sometimes blurt out his line of thought which caused him to start to try and follow it, it was honestly quite fun. Peter also enjoyed bets quite a lot as he found out, so they begin to place ones on their classmates, the prices were always something dumb or silly, candy, some money, easy things. He has to admit that he hasn't felt this good since before the fight with his friends. The boy seems to get him in a more quiet but still teasing way.

Peter was also very contradictory, he was quiet, yes but when he spoke he would sound cheerful yet oddly not say anything of substance if he didnt feel like it.

When class is over he has seen different girls come pick him up, two of them blonde and one with the same dark hair as him. Only once he sees a man come for him, making the boy race up to him. The old man laughs and lifts him a little spinning him, which is impressive despite his short stature.

He feels an old pang of envy, but smiles and waves at him, making him wave back. The man looks at him quickly, but turns to his son and they go, Jonah sighs and goes to pick up his bike to go home. 

He tells Peter while on their off time that he likes Mr Sims the best out of all the teachers they have.

“But why? He is weird and he looks at us funny, doesn't he?” Jonah steals one of his cookies and rolls his eyes at him. He has noticed that, but some part of his brain says that it's not Peter he keeps giving looks at, maybe he should be worried about it, but the way he looks is more skittish and nervous, he has catched him flinch at him when he goes to ask things outside of class once or twice which confuses him. Regardless, the reason he likes him is because he is the only one who seems to understand him better, whenever he asks questions or starts a debate in class about a book the man looks excited and they go back and forth which is so much more fun than anything he has done with any other teacher.

Even if he looks mildly bothered he still answers him after class, so he is making an effort and Jonah craves someone to understand. His mom tries, but he realizes that she struggles a little, Peter is going up in his list of people, but he doesn't care about asking questions, so it's just really him.

“I don't think he is looking at you, so i'm curious to see what is up with him. He acts… weird sometimes when i ask him something after class, not bad, but sometimes he gets this look and suddenly he tells me to leave” Peter snorts and steals his juice, grimacing at the taste of oranges.

“Maybe he gets bored of being accosted with questions after class too?” Jonah narrows his eyes at him annoyed.

“Shut up” He is sure it's not that.

His mom is happy when he tells her he made a friend, because he thinks that’s what Peter is at this rate, thay talk, laugh and have fun with each other. He has been thinking about maybe asking him to come to his house lately to play some games or just laze around, but the opportunity arises when the new teacher Ms James tells them to make groups of two.

Peter hesitates when he asks about what house to go to finish it, so with the perfect excuse he tells him that they can go to his, after all his mom wont have any issue with it. 

“She likes it when i bring friends home” Jonah gives him a look and smiles, trying to hide the embarrassment, Peter hesitantly smiles back and it was so erneast that it makes his cheeks feel hot. Trying to sound cool about it he asks if he wants to have a sleepover too, like that they will have enough time to also play or watch movies.

Peter consults his dad and says that its ok, so they arrange the day. He was nervously cleaning around the house while his mom in her own frenzied state started to fuzz about the food.

“I think i need to go buy more, it won't be enough little dragon” He was sweeping the floor and trying to not panic.

“Mom its just the two of us, i really think its enough food, there is probably even gonna be leftovers-”

“Nonsense, you are growing boys and i have seen you eat” Jonah goes to clear his room while she makes a list and tells him she is going out.

Once inside he makes his bed, turns the photo with Barnabas and Jonathan around while feeling a pit in his stomach.

He saw them holding hands and the bitterness he felt was insulting.

By the time the doorbell rings, he has put his dirty clothes to be washed and put all the things needed to do the project in the living room. So things are good. Nervously he goes down to open the door.

Peter is there with one of the girls who usually comes to pick him up, the one who does it more often at the very least.

“Your mom?” The girl asks in an inquisitive tone, Jonah rolls his eyes.

“Went to buy more snacks, think she might buy the whole place at this rate, its just the two of us not an army” Peter grins a little and goes to hug his sister who kisses the top of his head. Jonah watches feeling a little left out, she mumbles something to Peter who nods and lets go and starts to follow him.

Once they go to the elevator he starts to spit a barrage of questions.

“How many sisters do you have? I saw her and another two pick you up- You look close-” He keeps going until he can't think of anything else to say, Pete Looks at him and once he is done starts to answer all his questions in a cheerful tone.

Peter stares when they get in and he gets a flare of anxiety, thinking that he might find the place bad, but the boy seems to be in awe taking the place in. The other stares at the picture frames hanging on the walls, making him shift in place, his mom insisting on having them around to “Have a family picture” It would be one if it wasn't just the two of them.

His dad disappeared from his life and his grandparents were all dead so it was really just the two of them.

They start doing their project in the living room, they ended up talking about true crime shows while working, he liked the Mysteries and the theories about what happened, Peter wasn't as into it, but did raise some funny points about some of the stories he told him making him laugh and bump shoulders. The boy laughs too when he makes “The voice” as he calls it.

“It sounds as if you were the narrator of a horror podcast!”

“Pff, as if!” His mom comes back around that time with the groceries, and by god he was right, she got a lot of them.

“I'm sorry sweety. Peter you can eat whatever you like ok? If you need anything let me know, i will be working a little so you two have fun” She goes to her room and its just them again, they work a little more and soon they finish, he asks him if he wants to go play something in his room to which he agrees. It takes him a little to untangle the controllers cables, but once he is done he connects them and they start playing while sitting on his bed.

Peter gets into it more once he starts to lose and soon both of them start to fight to win. The boy moves a lot and ends up bumping into him quite a lot, making him lose some of his focus at the feeling of his being so close to him. He almost even lays his head against his. His hands sweat a little.

They play for a while more, switching games from time to time while drinking and eating some of the things his mom bought. They talk and laugh a lot and he-

He is happy, he hasnt been this happy in a long while, just being dumb and doing silly stuff with a friend. Jonah was honestly surprised how much fun all of this was. Peter really was funny to be around and he enjoyed spending time with him honestly.

The boy wasn't a replacement, at first he thought him more like a project to distract himself, but it wasn't right, he likes him for real and he reckons that he does too. 

At some point they even end up making impressions about their teachers, he liked Peter’s attempt at Mr Sims. It was sort of right but at the same time not, making it hilarious. He also ends up telling him all about the rumours he had been collecting, more often than not it was Annabell who bought the new gossip, she had her own sort of gang to deal with it and he had somewhat of a spot there.

“You fit with us Jonah, don't worry” She gives him a little toothy smile that disquietes him, however he smiles back with a sneer and they do business as usual.

Peter is however baffled at his knowledge.

“How do you even know that??” They were at this point sitting on his bed leaning against each other, it felt… weird, not bad, just like this was something that wasn't supposed to happen yet it did.

It made him oddly happy, as if he had won against something, the boy pressed against him looked at him expectantly and his mouth twitched into a smile.

“I listen and watch duh” He does that yes, yet-

Yet sometimes its as if he just sort of… knew, like knowing that someone broke up because they cheated with a girl in another class was something normal to know. It was always bad stuff that he seemed sort of to get. Sometimes it did catch him off guard, he didn't want to know some of the things he got flashes off. Still if he didn't immediately get it, he would just go to listen and watch.

Jonah knocks into his shoulder and grins making Peter duck his head to the side, it baffled him a little, but he just noticed how close their faces were, so he turned to the front.

Get a grip Jonah.

“Yeah, yeah, not all of us can be that great” Frowning slightly he pokes his side.

“I mean, you could, most of the kids forget you are even there, I'm sure you can hear plenty of gossip like that” Peter seems to flounder a little, but manages to laugh it off.

“I mean, not my fault I'm that unnoticeable, hehe” Jonah feeling a little cramped gets up and stretches a little lifting his arms up. When he turns around the boy is looking at him and something in his mind screams at him-

_ He was looking at you! _

“Well shame on them I find you  _ very interesting _ ” Still he maintains the calm.

“Th-thanks” 

“I'm going to check if mom needs help with dinner, you can wait here” Once in the living room he just lifts a pillow from the couch and presses his face there. Oh god what did he just say?? Is he an idiot??

His mom looks amusedly at him and asks if he needs something. After clearing his throat he tells her he is going to help her with dinner. She tries to shoo him off, but he refuses and she caves. 

Dinner is the worst, mom being happy to have his new friend here, decided to tell him stories about him embarrassing him in front of Peter, who seemed to be having a blast. God he will be insufferable later- he should prepare the papers for a divor-

A-

A what? He shakes his head a little, weird.

Afterwards they went to watch some horror movies on the couch.

“Don't sleep too late boys, you have school tomorrow!”

“Yes Mom!”

“Yes Ms Magnus!” They were mostly old movies and they spend almost all of them laughing about the effects or how stupid most of the decisions of the protagonist were. He had seen them a lot of times, but it was more fun to mock them with someone else.

“Why run to the second floor??? There is no way out!” Jonah hated how irrational they all seemed to be.

“Well they are sort of stupid, but also, if you were being chased by a maniac i think most of your thinking would go out of the window” He groans and leans close to him, he feels warm and content, he would love to just stay forever just the two of them like this. 

They watch a few more modern ones and at some point the bloody jump scare got him making him grab Peter’s arm and turn his face to hide it in his neck. The boy stiffens and he realizes what he has done, so he lets him go.

“Sorry” He really is a moron. Peter looks a little surprised, but says there is no problem. Still he tries to not do it again, when he gets another one he just jumps up a little, but doesn’t grab the boy. Still he seems a little disappointed, but maybe it was his own mind playing tricks on him.

After it ends, they go to bed, his mom prepared a matress for Peter next to his bed. They change and wash their teeth. Once in bed he rolls over a few times, he was tired, extremely so, but he was also just so… happy. It was silly and maybe pathetic, but spending time like this felt so… relaxing and fun, like somehow this is what they should be doing.

It was all just his mind being a little clingy he reasons. He was the first real friend he got since the other boys. That's all.

Yet…. just yet.

He has to say something, so he mumbles it.

“Mn What was that?”

“I said, thanks for staying… hadnt had a sleepover in a while, it was fun” Peter stays quiet for a while making him think that he fell asleep, but answers back eventually.

“I had fun, i never had a sleepover before so this was… this was nice, thank you Jonah” He doesn't answer, the response sort of floored him, because he thinks he might be Peter’s first friend and he feels such so warm at that thought that he falls asleep with a smile.

He dreams of an apartment, it's empty, but there is a tall and big man asleep on the couch, his face is familiar and he feels the urge to sort of drop on top of him and take a nap.

Instead he pokes his face and he scrunches it up, he laughs.

“You should shave a little, it's getting too much Pe-”

He wakes up with his alarm and groans, by the time he is eating breakfast he doesn't remember his dream.

Weeks later while in Mr Sims class, Jonah was writing absentmindedly and doodling little boats when he got startled by the teacher asking Peter a question, if he had to describe it, it felt as if someone pulled a rubber band, but when Jon spoke to his friend the thing cut off, suddenly he could see everyone looking at Peter. Which made no sense it was just a stupid question, but it was as if they were drawn to it somehow.

The boy for his part was stiff as a board and his face was getting redder, he mumbled something and he knew with a pinch of dread that he didn't know the answer to the question. Peter looked like he was on the verge of a panic attack or crying. He stared at Mr Sims hoping he would do something, but he just looked at him, staring at the boy he felts split-

Help or watch-

Help or watch

He-

He answers for him instead. 

“It was a metaphor for death, the author had an obsession to use objects or elements to represent death in his works” Jonah answers and quickly starts to barrage questions onto the man, startling him. As if a spell broke his classmates start to look elsewhere and write down things about what they say. Slowly he feels their again as if they were being unseen.

Peter looked like he was having a bad time, but during what was left of the class he started to calm down. Jonah wanted to help him out, to forget a little bit about the whole affair so he decided to give him something else to think about.

When class ends he waits until the boy has all of his tuff and grabs his hand to hurry him along outside. In his attempt to drag them out he forgets about the fact that they were basically holding hands. Once they sit he looks at the boy who seems to be still pale and look worriedly at him, so he takes a breath and despite not wanting to, he decides to share with the boy what happened with Barnabas and Jonathan.

It should distract him from his own panic at the very least.

“I was friends with Barnabas and Jonathan, but like last year, Jon punched me in the face for no reason and we haven't spoken since” Peter blinks confusedly, because yes, that is something random to say he supposes, but its for a good cause, even if thinking about it hurts.

“Which is unfair because i didn't do anything, but alas- Anyways the problem is that Barnabas joined his side and that makes no sense, cause we have been friends since first grade” That stung, the fact that Anabell mentioned that they are dating felt even worse, because that means he was an idiot, but at the very least they didn't know it. Or maybe-

Maybe that's why they stopped talking with him..?

Not the time.

Peter nods and squeezes his hand, that's when he realizes the fact that they have been holding hands this entire time, their palm were somewhat sweaty, but they fit together nicely and was struck with the feeling that he would like to keep doing it more-

He drops it.

He gets hit with a feeling of shame. 

Jonah turns to look to the opposite side of the school yard to avoid showing how red his face turned, he is his friend, the first one since the other two, he cant be having a crush on him, Jonah wont ruin this again by being stupid, he wont.

Speaking of the devil, he sees the two boys talking and leaning against each other. He feels exhausted at this point, but he keeps up the charade.

“So it sucks! No matter what i say i can't get them to tell me what i did” Peter takes a sip of his orange juice first before replying, he looks more lively so that's good.

“Maybe they are just stupid, you are very cool” Jonah chokes a little and his chest feels fluttery, but ends up laughing it off.

“That- yeah, haha, that may be it, thank you” Peter starts to slowly talk more and it distracts him too of his own thoughts. 

_ Maybe they are good for each other this time around. _

Something in him feels suddenly cold, but he keeps up his smile, don't think about it, don't think about it.

Jonah was walking around with his mom shopping when he saw a construction, it usually wouldn't have called his attention if he hadn't seen the name of the ones building it.

Fairchild.

That was an odd coincidence he thinks, he tries to ignore it his mom calls out to him to come and see the hoodie in the store window, distracting him.

At home while watching some unsolved crime videos, out of curiosity he decides to google it thinking that it was a nice coincidence and that maybe he could tease the boy in class later.

When he does he sees the picture of the man who owns the Fairchild company and all of its entrepreneurs.

It was Peter 's dad.

The boy he knew has no social media, says that it stresses him out, his sisters do however, it's in private, sure, but there are tagged pictures and yes, they are part of the same family as the man.

So Peter is rich? Why is he in a regular school then? He figured that he could be in boarding school or something, but then again-

Then again just by knowing the boy he can tell that he would probably disappear in such an environment.

Huh.

He tries to see if there is anything different, but honestly? Jonah doesn't really care, he just likes the awkward boy regardless. 

Maybe a little too much.

Jonah decides to not say anything, eventually the boy will tell him when he feels more comfortable he supposes, so in the interim, he asks him to come to his place more often to hang out. 

Lending him comics and borrowing his facebook account to play silly games.

“You know there are way better ones, i don't think-”

“I want to decorate the house like a nautical one and adopt a cat shush” He sighs 

“Pick a room then, my character lives there and I like how I put things. Or you know, just get a bloody account to play with and we can be friends” He hears him blow a raspberry at him and he gives him the middle finger in response.

“Asshole”

“Bastard” Jonah covers his face with his comic and grins. Peter does the same.

Eventually the boy does ask him to come to his place, it was sort of endearing how nervous he was about it and it made him feel particularly special to know he trusted him to tell him. So when he saw him struggle he tried to be nonchalant about it to not make him freak out.

“You mean rich? I sort of figured, its ok, like i get it why you wouldn't want to say it” Peter looks relieved and a little annoyed.

“Ugh, I wanted to tell you, was even nervous about it and you say it so flippantly, when did you even realize it?”

“Not at first, like a month ago i think? I saw a building with the Fairchild name and remembered you mentioning a few things that sort of clicked” Yeah, right, he didn't just google it and sort of stalked his sisters facebook to confirm it or anything. He reckons that is weird behaviour.

“Ughhh” Jonah grins at him and Peter smiles back too. 

The house, or well mansion was huge, he and his mom were both left staring at it when they got there. Mr Fairchild came in to receive them and patted his shoulder which caused him to be dizzy for some reason. His mom was very graceful and talked with the man during the afternoon, they both seemed to get along very well.

Peter’s siblings were actually really nice, they liked to tease the boy in a good mannered way, or say embarrassing things about him, causing him to laugh and Peter groan, at least now he knows how it felt.

They played on the trampoline for a while and played Uno with them and his older sisters when they came by.

The six of them were having fun, Clara ruffled his hair when he mentioned terrorizing somo kids who were being rude to them. 

“Good one kid, I used to be a terror, albeit always hid it from the teachers, those suckers” Peter questions when did that happen and he shrugs.

The girls were from the other class and made a bunch of snide little comments about Peter because the boy ignored them. So he might have made sure they wouldn't anymore. The afternoon was spent in good fun.

While the sun was setting it was finally just the two of them sitting down outside, talking and joking around, he noticed Peter’s face being a little flushed and how the light framed his face just right. 

His hand was flat against the ground and he felt something brush his fingers, he managed to not stutter and keep talking, but very carefully he did it too. He wanted to tangle their fingers together so badly.

A few days later they get a presentation to do in front of the class, Peter was obviously freaking out, so he tried his best to calm him down and think for a solution.

“Hey, HEY, listen to me ok? You know what to say, none of them care about it, honestly, if you can't stare at them look at me, just look at me Peter it will be ok” Since he looked so unconvinced Jonah picked his hand and squeezed, that seemed to make him pause and breathe.

“I- i will try..” Jonah smiles encouragingly and nods, making Peter smile back.

Despite his own nerves that he keeps at bay, he speaks and draws everyone's attention to himself, despite being a class of 27 people it felt like there was a bigger audience and that someone was taking joy in his discomfort, but he kept a cool head and managed, he won't be seen as less. He refuses.

When its Peter’s turn, the boy follows his advice and just looks at him while talking, the effect is the opposite as his, his classmates seem to slowly lose interest, so to make sure the project doesn't get forgotten he moves to start hanging the papers with their main points while the boy explains.

Through all of it Peter looks at him and gives him a look of awe that hits something tender.

They get the best score, Peter turns to look at him and  _ grins. _

Jonah Magnus realizes then that he is very truly fucked.

Once they sit, Jonah still reeling, but feeling confident, bumps into him and grins wildly making Peter laugh, the sound was lovely and he cant help to blush and look at him with a loving look.

He has to stop it, he reckons, he wants them to be friends and not be weird, he doesn't want to lose him. So he will push it back and just pretend it doesn't exist. Her mom jokes during dinner about him having a girlfriend and he laughs and denies it. He feels like he is walking a fine line.

Peter picks up gossip for him and the whole pretend its nothing is getting harder.

Barnabas and Jonathan never liked his obsession with finding stuff from other kids, so this was a nice change.

Jonah stops Mr Sims from going , he wanted to ask him about a few things that he mentioned in class, he looked slightly uncomfortable but relented and they talked, however he suddenly pale and told him that he should go.

Frowning and feeling a little dejected he relented.

It didn't mean that he would stop, during class he seemed to have no qualms about answering albeit he did try to wrangle him back to topics relating to what they were seeing, but when he went to say something later he would always reject him. It sort of took a toll on him when he realized that he didn't do it with any of the other kids, he has seen him speaking excitedly with Megan or Jacob, he seemed to be the only one he disliked for some reason.

It brought back the feeling that maybe there was something wrong with him. He complained to Peter about the man’s attitude while they were in his house.

“I just want to ask him some questions! All the other teachers make me shut up, but he always let me talk in class. How come he practically runs off when i try to ask him something outside of it??” The boy pauses from his reading and looks at him.

“Told you, he probably wants his time alone, imagine being surrounded by kids all the time and not having a break” He makes a frustrated noise, if only!

“I would get that yeah, if he didn't take his time to talk with other kids, what is- what is wrong with  _ me  _ ?” Indeed what is wrong with him? What is it that everyone else seems to see that makes them hate him or reject him.

It wasn't just Mr Sims, Ms Robinson, Barnabas, Jonathan and he has this inkling, like the one he gets about other people’s that his dad too saw something in him.

Was he- was he just so horrible? Did he do something? Or did he just give some sort of presence that made people disgusted with him? He was reeling a little.

Peter seems to snap at his questions and answers him quickly.

“Nothing! There is nothing wrong with you, its just everyone else that's stupid. I li- like you, so do my siblings! The rest is just dumb” Laughing a little mirthlessly he shrughs, its a nice sentiment, but it doesnt make the rest go away.

“Maybe” He was still overthinking it when he felt the other tentatively wrap his arms around him making him catch his breath.

“What are you-”

“My sister’s hugs me when i feel bad” Of course. 

Jonah feels… content wrapped in the other boys embrace and he shouldn't be enjoying it so much, but Peter is the only one who doesn't seem to hate him without reason and this is what he wants. Slowly he reaches back and puts his hand tentatively back, before closing his eyes and enjoying the feeling while it lasts.

“Thank you”

Peter was showing him a video, their heads were practically touching along with their knees with how close they were. He hopes the other boy doesn't notice the slight flush on his cheeks. He laughs at the video and he can feel Peter pressing closer to his side making him laugh a little more nervously, if he just twisted his face he could brush his lips with him-

No.

Nonono, stop it.

He bites his lip in consternation, he has to stop it. No sense in ruining everything.

They remained like that for a while until he felt a gaze over him, lifting his head he turned to see Mr Sims and another man looking at them, Peter followed his lead and turns too. The boy shudders at the sigh for some reason, but Jonah is intrigued, that is until the bigger man catches his eye and suddenly flinches giving him a critical look, like the ones Ms Robinson usually gives him, and leaves with Mr Sims trailing quickly behind him, giving him a shrug and an apologetic look.

Jonah stays quiet and looks back at the video, despite not really paying attention, because somehow another person just saw him and immediately seemed to dislike him on sigh, he feels his stomach full of a hot boiling feeling of helplessness. It is him isnt it? 

Suddenly he feels Peter lightly kick his leg and tells him that Annabell put spiders in Jane’s bag the other day, he is surprised and confused as to how he didnt hear about that- So he turns to him, but because Peter had been closer than he expected he lightly brushes his cheek with his lips, he feels a tingly sensation on them and he forces himself to keep calm and asks to explain what happened and how did he hear it.

At home he pokes at his food during dinner and asks him mom if his dad didn't like him. She freezes, her face remains in a perfect smile, but he sees her tense.

“Why do you say that?” He doesn't feel hungry anymore, shrugging he bluffs.

“Cause you are pretty, smart and cool, so it would be stupid to leave you, maybe he didnt like me and thats why he left?” She takes a deep breath.

“Jonah, he didn't leave, I asked for the divorce” Frowning he puts his fork down.

“Then why doesn't he visit or wants to talk with me?” Her mouth goes on a straight line, he wants to know, he needs to know if its because of him. He feels something like static on his mouth.

“He wasn't- he wasn't who i thought he was and i wanted you to be safe, i love you sweetie you must understand-!” He feels something tugging at him to ask- to make her tell him even if he wont like the answer.

Because he knew he wouldn't.

Swallowing down the burning on his throat he starts to eat again despite not feeling like it and says that he had fun in Mr Sims class and that he and Peter were thinking about having another sleepover.

Slowly she relaxes and congratulates him and asks more questions.

Jonah smiles and pretends that everything is alright.

He starts to have nightmares, not all the time, but more often than he is used too.

None of them make any sense and they don't feel like his, its as if he was just reviewing someone else's dream detachedly, the man didn't help, he didn't want to, he just wanted to see what would happen-

Jonah hates those dreams, hates the man in them that feels familiar, but its not.

He writes them down when he wakes up in a notebook. 

A spiderweb has taken residence in the corner of his room’s roof. Sometimes he stares at it and he has the feeling that the spider living there it's looking back at him with disgust too.

He doesnt kill it.

Once he fills it he goes out of his house and looks for a place to burn it down. He sits in front of the small fire and feels dread. He sees another spider scuttling around the place while he does it and stops near his foot. It turns and watches the fire with him.

When it burns down the spider leaves.

Jonah feels like he just missed something important.

His mom comes back from the parents.-teacher conference very happy.

“I'm so very proud of you my little dragon, all of your teachers had nothing but praise over your hard work!” He sits with her while she tells him all about it and all the small little things she picked about them.

He got some of his curiosity from her, along with his sharpness.

When she speaks of Mr Sims, she seems more thoughtful, but says that he was surprised about hearing that he was his favourite.

“Ugh, why did you tell him!?” She makes a funny face and squishes his cheeks.

“Because i wanted to see what he would say darling”

Peter uses glasses and he feels like someone pulled a rug from underneath him. 

Somehow it feels like a lot of things make sense now-

_ His husband always squinted while reading and he suspected something, but whenever he tried to say something he would leave, so he resigned himself. He did enjoy however to read the paper with the crossword puzzle above his shoulder and point out what it said, the man always grumbled, but gave him a goodbye kiss if he did. _

Blinking a little bit he has to unclench his jaw.

The boy notices him staring and tries to take them off so he quickly tries to intervene

“Hey I didn't know you needed glasses! I'm your best friend and now I found out? Rude” Peter lets a breath and nods shakily. He tries to not overthink the fact that he called him his best friend.

A pang for the other two is there, but it also rings true to him. Peter was his best friend and partner in crime.

“Yeah, i dont- dont like them, make me look-” He struggles and he can tell he was going to say something self-deprecating so he cuts him off.

“Good” Jonah stares a little and nodding to himself goes to put them back in place, since the other messed them up in his hastily attempt at taking them off. He is aware of all the contact he does with his face and he forces himself not to linger. For a second, it felt as if they were alone, it was so weird, but it made him notice the other’s face and the barely there freckles, unlike his that were more obvious and annoying.

His fingers tingle and his stomach feels fluttery through the rest of the class. 

“Thank you” He grins.

Days later after science class some students had to stay to help clean up, Peter got his name called so it left him alone to go to recess.

He sat in their usual spot which was weird without the other boy when he got so used to his presence. It led him to do some people watching to pass the time, it was going well, until he saw Jonathan and Barnabas, his face made a grimace, but he ended up looking elsewhere, they were not his problem anymore. He understands now that he won't be able to change their minds, it doesn't matter, he has Peter now and despite missing them it won't do any good to dwell on it.

That's why it surprises and angers him when Jonathan seems to decide to come now towards him, Barnabas follows and worriedly tries to make him stop. It's not for his sake he knows, he just doesn't want the boy to get in trouble again.

He gets up and looks at them when they approach in case he needs to duck or make a run for it.

“...Hello” Jonathan looks annoyed at him.

“I see you finally unglued yourself from your new pet project” His makes a face.

“He is a friend Jonathan, no need to be an ass” Narrowing his eyes , the boy keeps his ground.

“Maybe that's what you want him to think, but i'm sure you already found something useful for him to do, that's what you care about anyways. He won't leave your side, so we can’t get him to reconsider his association with you” That pissed him off.

“Fuck off, that you have a problem with me, doesnt give you the right to make my life harder. Stay on your little corner of the world and i will stay in mine, he is my friend you don't get to ruin that because you are an ass who invents excuses about why he doesn't like me- Right i forgot something, yeah nice try” He crosses his arms and looks stiffly at him, the boy looks incensed.

“Jonathan, he really doesn't know, lets just leave, there is no reason to-”

“Yes there is! He even tries to replace you, ohh yes poor Jonah with a crush, sod off” He stares at Barnabas who gives him a grim look, he knew- they knew-!

“But the worst! The worst part is you picked one of Mordechai’s family members! So not only are you a bastard, but you have at least the same type of taste as before” Feeling like he got punched and looking a little more bewildered he stares at the two of them.

“Who the hell is Mordechai?” Jonathan takes a deep breath.

“Mordechai Lukas, he was the one following Forsaken” Something blares at him like an alarm in his head “He sent me there and i gave you a letter and you never helped me, even when you knew how to” 

Something feels like it's about to burst, like a water balloon that has a pin sticking to it waiting to be pulled and finally explode.

“Or Albrech, you tricked him to get the books to your stupid institute-” 

The Institute..?

“All for knowledge, all for that stupid monster, all for Beholding” 

Beholding- Lukas, Institute.

The balloon pops.

He hears Jonathan yell something out, but Barnabas drags him away giving him a look that he has no time to interpret.

“ _ God dammit It's not fair that he won't even get why- _ ”

Jonah runs.

And runs and doesn't stop until he reaches the empty classroom that has old equipment, once there he slides through the wall and sits, only there he gets to finally panic.

The rush wasn't gentle at all, it was as if someone dropped and entire ocean worth of information on top of him and it was drowning him-

He remembers the institute, Barnabas death at Mordechai's hand, Jonathan’s letter, the other’s deaths.

His mom who was and still is, but before she was far colder, more strict and did not seem to care, a father who didn't leave, but wasn't kind.

The fourteen, his failed ritual, the bodies he stole to keep living, year after year, his archivists, Ms Rob- Gertrude and Mr Si- Jon.

Martin, Timothy, Miss James- the fake and real one- Melanie-

The pain he caused, the deaths, Jon getting marked, Peter-

Peter

…

Marriages and divorces, lonely nights, fights and bets and bantering.

They made each other miserable, but also happy- the last divorce the one Peter asked, the one that really hurt- the bet, the last one he thought.

Forsaken not leaving even a pile of bones for him to take.

The panopticon, the world changing and finally-

Agonized bliss.

Terror so very deep and hidden knowing that he never mattered that he was just a placeholder.

Finally Jon, Jon smiting him, being afraid one last time- he didn't want to die- please Mr Sim-

He was curled on the floor crying silently.

With shaky movements he started to sit, that was real, that had been…. that had been all him.

Jonah had done all of those terrible awful things.

He can't breathe, with shallow breaths he has to force himself to calm down less he passes out. After struggling some more, he manages to get up and goes to the bathroom to clean his face. He has to go to class, he has to sit with Peter (He got him killed, he hurt him, he doesn't know what he did to him) and later have class with Mr Sims (Jon, the archivist, the one who put him down, the one who he got maimed and traumatized because of him) With mechanical movements he washes his face. 

Was this… was this punishment for all that he did? Jonah doesn't know, doesn't understand why he is here in this new world, by all means if this was Jon’s doing he should be gone, erased from existence like a bad dream.

With shaky hands he stops and pulls on his best poker face. He gets to the classroom first and zones out, memories still flash through his mind rapidly and increasing vibrancy making him close his fists and stick his nails into his flesh. It grounds him a little.

Suddenly Peter pulls the chair next to him making him flinch, he must look bad because he starts to hover and look worriedly at him, it feels like a punch in the gut, because this is not how he would have acted before, his husband would have mocked him until he really saw how bad he felt and took care of him reluctantly.

“Are you ok? Do you feel sick?” Jonah takes a little before answering, getting hit with all the moments that they treated each other badly.

“No, i- i got into a fight with Jonathan? Fanshware, anyways um, it didn't end well thats all” Peter scowls and his lip twitches, he was offended for his sake- Peter shouldn't, he didn't deserve it-

“Should we prank him or something? Did he hit you again??” He shakes his head, its touching, but its not something he earned for real is it? He knows it now. Still he offers him a half smile.

“There’s no need really, I wont- i wont try to talk with him anymore i think” Peter looks hesitant at him and tries to touch his arm, he tenses, half of him feels good, wants the comfort the other is offering willingly, the other is angry at him for taking advantage of the other not knowing what he has done. When the boy notices his reaction he drops his hand.

“Did you… did he tell you why he was mad at least?” He closes his eyes and let out a breath.

“Yeah, he did” Jonah lets out a bitter laugh “Turns out it was my fault after all” It was, all of it was on him.

Peter attempted to make him explain better, but he shook his head and did not alk about it anymore, or for the rest of the day. He was tired.

During class with Mr Sims, he only looked at his hands or papers; he felt his body seize at the idea of staring at the man in front of him. Part shame, part terror.

_ He doesn't want to die, he doesn't want to die-! _

At home he tries to pretend everything is fine, he lies to his mom and smiles, he remembers how Ms Magnus had always hated when he didn't answer her questions or played nice.

He goes to his room and finally there he falls on his bed and cries his heart out.

Jonah can't eat.

Or well more specifically, he doesn't want to, his mom made noodles with sauce and when he bit into them, the texture and look suddenly gave him a flash of the worms in the archives that chased down his archivist and their team.

He starts to choke on the food making his mom try to help him, she asks if he is okay, but he shakes his head and goes to throw up in the bathroom. Soothingly she makes him some tea and offers less squishy food.

Still, he begins to eat less even the food he knows won't have him relapse, it feels… pointless back at the panopticon ha hadn't needed sustenance for months before his death. So whenever he sees food it either makes him feel sick or just he won't eat it. He takes bites of whatever his mom makes for him and carefully hides some in his napkin to throw away later.

He can't stand it.

Peter notices his lack of appetite and with determination starts to bring extra food with him to share. Its all the types he knows he likes and as much as he wants to tell him no, he can't, he owes him that at the very least.

So with a heaviness that feels exaggerated he takes slow bites and eats.

Soon of course things start to escalate, he hears whispers. Whenever he is on his own he would hear a bunch of whispery sounds all around him, it takes him a while to figure what they are, but when suddenly he gets hit with the voice of Ashley saying that she was glad he wasn't spying on them like the little freak he was, yet she was still walking on the other end of the hallway talking with her friends, he realizes he was hearing her thoughts on him.

It became worse, before- 

The Jonah that he was, could filter what he heard and from who, now? It was always there, like a background noise. Only when he was sitting with Peter it stopped, it was the forsaken bubble he seemed to still have around him, it muted all thoughts away from him.

It was unfair, but he found solace in that. At recess he sits giving Jonahan and Barnabas his back, Peter looks puzzled and mildly concerned, so when he asks jokingly if he wanted to spy on someone he has to stop himself from flinching.

Ashley, Rachel, Jake, Jared- All of them though he was a freak for knowing their secrets, for probably stalking them somehow to know- how could he know? It was beyond petty gossip, what was he doing-

He has to cut himself from the line or he would get stuck on a loop. 

“The girls think i'm sort of a freak for doing it” Peter flinches, but looks at him worriedly.

“Who? Really we should maybe think of something to make them regret it, i'm sure i can steal some frogs from the science lab and dump them in their backpa-” Jonah holds his head and lets out a laugh, god he doesnt deserve-

“No, there is no need, its better if i just don't… bother them anymore '' He gives him a sad smile to try and appease him, it seems to work.

As long as he plays at being ok, the boy would not ask, Peter hated direct confrontations so he was somewhat consistent from before.

Class was good as long as he let himself get washed over the cold of forsaken, it felt wispy somehow, but he relished in the silence, albeit sometimes- sometimes it wasnt enough and he would mumble subconsciously some form of horrible thing that happened to a classmate very lowly to not let Peter hear.

When Peter look at him he feels pierced by the thought that they know-

They know, they know, they know what he did, who he is, that he is just the vessel of a monster. It grips at him.

He slowly starts to dwindle his questions during class, if he stopped all together in one go, it would raise suspicion, if he slowly stopped it would be so gradual that no one would realize.

Jonah likes Peter, he… still has his crush on him, but now? Now he knows that it would go horribly wrong to pursue anything with him, that this might be his chance at finding someone better suited for him. 

He will remain as his friend only, it's what he intended first, but now he has a real reason to, ot maybe, maybe he should slowly start to pull back, to cut his losses now and let him be like Jonathan said. He didn't want to hurt him in this life.

He didn't want to hurt anyone in this life, but that's not an option. So instead he would just… bare with it, with all the bad and the hurt he would carry it with him, it won't fix what he did, but perhaps this would make everyone else who remembers and hates him happy, to know that he is miserable.

The nightmares become a routine, he stills writes them down, he cant stop it, once he awakes from one he gets up and writes, he falls asleep and they are there again, rinse and repeat.

His mom does notice the rings under his eyes and how tired he looks, shiftily he tries to say he was just stressed, but after he almost faceplants on his dinner for the third day in a row, he concedes that he has nightmares that won't let him sleep at all.

Worriedly she takes him to the doctor, who asks questions that he answers as truthfully as its physically possible without revealing the true cause.

Mostly because he would be put on meds for delusions. After some more questions he is prescribed some sleeping pills, it should put him to sleep and theoretically not have that many nightmares.

It works only as a way to keep him down all night, the nightmares remain.

He still feels tired despite sleeping a full night. Sometimes he does pass out and remembers nothing, those days he feels rested and he appreciates the quiet. The rest? The rest are spent relieving the nightmares of what he did or what he saw in the panopticon, more often than not he also ends up crying when he gets those, some are just horrible and he knows they are real unlike the horror movies he likes.

Sometimes at class he would get flashes of his classmates in several awful states around him and he has to look to the spider web in the corner to ground himself.

Others Peter touches him and for a blessed moment everything is quiet and normal, as if that was only what it took, he wants that, wishes for that feeling, but he feels ashamed for it and pushes back at him, he doesn't deserve his comfort or to not feel this way.

He is a monster.

He can't stand Peter’s kindness, or well he does, he wants it like a drowning man looking for a lifeboat, but he remembers. A life full of flirting, fighting, marriages, divorces, over and over, neither was completely happy too absorbed with their own gods and plans. He loved him, that is perhaps the most damning thing, he loved him, but not enough to help him, not enough to help anyone.

Just watch and see.

He gets a spike of envy for Jon and Martin.

Both beholding and lonely, but able to manage their relationship like they never could. But as much as he thinks that he knows that it was on them, that Jonah and Peter were two awful people that deserved each other like that, they couldn't have what they did.

Jonah has to stop himself from that small inkling of hope, that maybe this could be better, its not about him, this time it isn't. 

Just seeing Miss James, the real one, the one he knowingly let walk to artifact storage and get replaced, that he didn't tell anyone that she had been dead, just so the stranger could mark Jon, just to plant the seeds of paranoia even better.

Like Jon he couldt see her in the eye either, didn't deserve it.

He craves Peter being mean, because as it would hurt him it was something familiar, but not, the boy had always been kind and weird, but never cruel with him.

It was exhausting to live like this, but he had to.

Food was still a problem, along with sleep, the rest of his classmates' snide comments were taking a toll.

Anabell corners him and he deflects, saying that he got bored, she narrows her eyes.

He gets a sudden burst of fear that she had always remembered and knew it was him, that she would mock him. Instead she looked slightly uncomfortable looking at him.

“Sure, if you say so”

The boy asks when he almost hits his head by falling asleep, so he admits that he had trouble sleeping and that they gave him pills.Wringing his hands in nervousness the boy asks what it is like. It gives him pause and he doesn't answer immediately, thinking about the quiet and horrible nights

“Its quiet” He asks what he means, but Jonah closes off.

Peter invites him home.

He sticks to his side, not wanting to accidentally hear what his siblings or Simon thinks of him. Jonah realizes that the old man knows, he gave him several knowing glances during the times he has come to stay, so he keeps his eyes low and ignores him. Peter goes and holds his hand taking him to his room and talking with forced cheerfulness about the comics he bought and how dare he get him hooked-

His cheeks flush immediately and his hand starts to sweat, it takes him back to before this whole thing and he feels even if for just a few minutes safe and happy.

It doesn't last of course. Eventually the guilt eats at him and he ends up tired and shutting off. He knows it's hurting the other boy, maybe he would see he is not worth it and leave like before.

_ Or maybe this time Jonah is the one who gets to leave him for real. _

That thought follows him home.

He gets skinnier and his eyes have bigger bags, his mom looks worriedly at him, despite his assurances.

The spider web on the corner gets bigger.

He finally stopped asking questions in class, not a single teacher noticed, or at the very least questioned him. He thinks Ms James and Mr Sims do give him the odd look, but he ignores them.

Peter asks him if he still can't sleep and he nods, he confides on him saying that everything is so loud most of the time.

“Well, when is it not?” Jonah looks at him a little and sighs.

“When its lon- …. when i'm with you” It was one of those days where he didn't really want to hear so he drops his head to his shoulder and closes his eyes in tiredness. The boy is the only one who offers something to look up to or wish for, even if it hurts and even if he doesnt get to have it. This? 

This is fine, he can keep doing it.

Peter moves a little in place and hesitantly puts his arm around him when he just lets out a pleased sigh he holds him. The traitor though that he wishes he would kiss his forehead comes to mind, he tries to hold back tears.

In class it became too much, the lights were hurting his eyes, the whispers were drawing him up to a wall, even Peter’s soothing presence isn't helping him. So feeling really sick he asks if he can go to the bathroom, his friend gives him a worried look and Sas-

_ Tim angry and desperate face comes to his head. _

Ms James looks him over and nods.

He ran, it was too much. Everything was too much-!

So distracted that he was that he didn't realize who was in front of him until he bumped into the last person he wanted to see.

“Jonah? Why are you running down the hallway-” He shakes him off as if burned and steps back looking down. 

Don't look, don't look, don't look.

“Bathroom” 

“Sorry, you can go, just don't run ok?” He sounds normal, worried even and what a joke that is.

“Yeah, thanks Jon” It slips, it honest to god just slips from his mouth, he hears the man take a breath and finally he looks up at him, Jon stares at him back and steps back a little.

“Mr Sims?” It takes him a second, but the realization, or better yet the knowledge that he had denied hits him clearly on the face, he knows, Jonathan knows, has probably always know, thats why he didn't want to talk with him, thats why he looked uncomfortable, or why Martin flinched that one time- they know what he is, what he has always been-

“Its nothing, Jonah, you may go” He stiffens and Jon tries to grab his arm, Please don't hurt me-! He flinches back so hard that the man has to step back too.

Panic takes over, he sees him unmarked and unburdened all except for his presence, sees the last face he saw before death, who looked tired, sad, angry and resolute, not for him he held no good feelings for him, but for what he had to do to save everyone-

He is back there at the panopticon but he is small now.

He is at the institute watching everything unfold but he feels the weight of his sins.

The man was about to say something, but his body cant take it anymore, his measly lunch was soon in the floor while he doubled over and threw up on the floor, he was choking and he would have face planted if Jon had not catched him by the shoulders.

“Shit!”

He takes him to the infirmary. The nurse says he has a fever and Jonah admits to being nauseous.

“Why come?!”

“History test” Jon calls his mom and goes to pick up his bag, soon he is at home with his mother fretting non stop and he has to lay down. He was boiling in fever and his body ached.

A stray though said that stress, lack of sleep and food can make him more ill.

His last coherent action for the next few days was telling Peter he was sick by text. The rest was a blur of fever dreams and his mother’s voice talking worriedly on the phone.

Maybe he dies like this, he has a vague recollection of getting ill while young in his other life too, its what inspired his terror of the end, he had been bedridden and delirious he even hallucinated his mother tending him back then.

He cries in his sleep and hears her sing a song, a familiar one and he can't tell what is memory and what is reality anymore. The feeling of someone caressing his sweaty forehead makes him cry harder, he wants his mom, he is scared and doesn't want to die, please-

“No-nono, you aren't dying, Jonah? Jonah sweetie it's ok, it's going to be okay i love you ok? I love you, i love you” He passes out.

The fever breaks and he is sluggish, his mother looks exhausted, but once he turns to her she smiles warmly at him.

Another thing he doesnt deserve, a kind mother.

She comes and he eats soup and crackers, he has been famished and thirsty, he doesn't ask about the fever, he just stays sleepy in bed.

When he feels marginally better, he goes back to school.

He still feels bad, but it has become more like a sort of muted hole in his life sucking the joy out of everything. Jonah only eats half of what Peter gives him, making him look worried, he can't even bring himself to look at him anymore.

Jonah can't stand to see his concerned looks, he knew that he would buck and let it all out if he did, the other would hate him and he is not sure he could take it.

Peter has to miss a day so he sits alone morosely looking at nothing, he doesn't touch what his mom gave him to eat and gives it away in the end. 

There wasn't a point.

The other kids keep thinking he is a weirdo and it gets on his nerves.

When he comments it to Peter and he asks how he knows he clams up.

He feels the stares of his classmates and he soldiers on, he knows that they hate him, he can even feel Barnabas and Jonathan stare at him while they are out of class, it doesn't matter, it just doesn't-

His friend(? Asks him to come have a sleepover, he wanted to deny him, but he insisted that they spend time alone, no school, no teachers, just them messing around.

It was tempting, it really was, after hesitating, he agrees.

When he tells his mom, she seemed relieved and he knows that he is making her sad and it hurts, he is the only one who should be feeling bad, this whole thing was his punishment.

Still he… tries, he makes an effort to talk and even smiles the friday of the event, the more he did, the more Peter seemed to grin as if the mere act of seeing him be like before made him happy. He is such a selfish bastard.

It's fun, they played some games and they ended talking while hanging up in the taller boy’s bed. The day was dully grey, but there had been no rain yet. Peter was laughing at his impression of Gertrude and despite the terror she inflicts on him he feels more loose at hearing Peter laugh, like a weight was temporarily lifted. 

“Really Ms Robinson is terrifying, she seems to always catch me and scold me whenever im trying to pick up a book” Because she knows that he killed her and doesn't trust him as far as she can throw him.

“Sounds like such a you problem” Peter flicks his nose and in a fit of childishness he sticks his tongue out at him, making laugh. It was a nice laugh and he feels so very… free right now.

Conversation dies out, but its not weird, Jonah doesn't even conjure up any nasty thoughts, just enjoys the moment. Later he would go back to bearing with everything, but now, he can give himself this. A treat, a small piece of safety. He notices Peter twitch in place and he looks at him in questions. He sees him flush a little and he lightly toys with his green hoodie sleeves.

“It's nothing” He hums and looks around lazily, the mansion is quiet and the space is so big that he is separated from everyone except for the boy, his mind and eyes go back to him setting on his face. His hair had gotten longer, it wasn't a bad look for him, he kept it, not short, but as long before. The change was nice, it also fitted his face and he couldt help, but to think he looked very good like this.

“Is there anything wrong with my face?” Peter tries for a joking tone, but he isn't having it.

“No, your hair is getting longer” Getting bored of his position he raises a leg against the wall in a stretch while he keeps talking “Could tie it up or push it back a little” Despite so many red flags in his head, he still goes and uses his hand to push it back from his face seeing it better, the feeling of their skin touching send a pleasant warmth through his chest.

He wants to stay like this forever.

The boy laughs nervously.

“Well i like yours, it's fiery and matches your personality” Jonah drops his hand as if scalding. Suddenly Peter who usually cant stand watching someone directly into their eyes, looks

Right

At 

Him

He takes a breath, it feels as if he was seeing him, really seeing him and it takes everything he has to not run. Somehow their roles got reversed at some point. He can help but shift his sigh down to his mouth, but quickly goes back to his eyes, however Peter noticed and licked them nervously.

Jonah felt his chest as if it was in flames, he has to stop, he has to, he cant ruin this, he cant ruin Peter’s chance at having someone normal, his chance to keep him in his life even like a friend!

He cant stop himself, because he has always been selfish.

Raising himself up he slowly approaches his face, he hesitates in case the other wants to pull back, but he stays still and watches him only.

It spurs him on. Softly he presses his lips against his in the most innocent and loving kiss he has ever given someone in two hundred years. His chest was beating like crazy and he moved his face a little just to press himself closer. Peter doesn't move or react and that's when the moment sort of cuts off, he separates himself from him and gets hit with a wave of anxiety.

Jonah was looking at the other boy, he still felt tired and things were either going to go wrong or good but he didnt know it yet, still even while feeling like he made a mistake, he was smiling timidly and with his face flushed, apologizing about the kiss when he suddenly remembers that he was in fact in his own personal hell and that he never left.

“Elias?” Jonah blinks at him a couple of times and his face falls, of course this is what happened, being selfish had consequences and this is what he got for thinking, even for one instant that he could have something good in this life.

Jonah gets up from the bed and suddenly starts to put on his shoes like a mad man, Peter is frozen in place, he cant stay, he has to go, he cant take it, he can't hear him hate him for what he did to him, for all the things that he has done through the years. How it was his fault, how if he had stayed doing his own thing in the Tundra like he usually, he would have been fine, that meeting him had been the worst thing that could have happened to him.

Finally he manages to slip them on and grabs his backpack before making a run for it. That snaps Peter out of his haze and makes him follow him, but despite being smaller and in not the best conditions, he has such a high shot of adrenaline that he sprinted faster out of the house, snapping the entrance door shut, he picks up his bike and goes home.

When he arrives his mom looks at him and starts to ask him what happened, instead of going to her he runs off to his room and locks the door. She knocks for a while, but he doesn't answer beyond telling her to go away.

The moment he hears her retreat he just shuts down and in complete silence cries.

He doesn't speak about what happened to her, she keeps trying to understand, but he eventually tires and just tunes her out.

On monday he forces a girl to swithc seats with him so he can run off the moment the bell rings.

When Peter comes he has his hair tied in a ponytail, Jonah doesn't look at him and stays on his new seat. Eventually he moves to the back and he feels him staring holes at him.

When the bell rings he runs off to one of the empty rooms he found through the years that he never told anyone, not even his ex friends.

There he just sits and waits, he is hungry, tired and the voices have started to get worse, he can hear more of them now and it's driving him insane.

The rest of the week goes like that.

No speaking, running off and waiting. Rinse and repeat.

The room he is staying in has more spiders than he remembers, he is scared.

Jonah feels small and scared.

Peter texts him the whole week and he has to ignore him, he cant see the messages, it makes him feel even worse.

Wednesday he was hiding out when he accidentally caught Jon and Martin walking and talking, Jon feels his stare and turns to look at him, when his boyfriend does he clenches his jaw and Jonah gets hit with the knowledge of how much he wants him to be gone and not make Jon miserable again.

Jonah flees and has a panic attack on the bathroom.

Thursday he was alone at home when the phone rangs, he was going to ignore it, but maybe it was important so he went to pick it up.

“Hello?” He hears someone letting out a breath.

“Jonah?” 

… Jonah recognizes the voice not for this life, but the past one.

“f- dad?” A shuffle.

“Is your mother there by any chance, she wont pick up her cellphone?” … Did they… did they keep in contact?

“No, she won't come back until… another hour at least, must have it on muted”

“.... i see, well goodbye-”

“Why don't you like me?” That makes him sigh.

“I don't hate you, i was just never meant to be a fat-”

“ **_Why?”_ ** That makes him cough.

“Because i saw your face the more you grew and remembered the boy that was, who would turn his back on us and when he got the position he wanted made me a laughing stock, because i remember the boy who ruined me out of pettiness, and maybe you don't understand it, but it drove me off and i was far more angry and terrible than i was and Edith- Edith wouldn't take it this time. She wanted to coddle you and love you and we couldn't agree and when I pushed you it was the last straw. So we split” The line goes silent.

“I didn't- Jonah im so-” With a coldness that he pulled back from another life he replied.

“For both of our sakes… i wont tell mom you said that. I recommend you do the same”

“... Fine by me”

He cuts the call.

Jonah stares at the phone for a while and eventually shuffles back to bed.

He had been right, it was because of him, mom just lied.

His room had more webs, yet he never saw more than one spider, the one in the corner just stared at him with rapt attention as if it was waiting for something.

By Friday he was a panicked, paranoid mess. His mom didn't know what to do with him anymore. Loud noises freaked him out, he could hear his classmates' thoughts clear as day now that he didn't have his bubble with Peter.

The nightmares that week were vicious, somehow even if he slept his brain wouldn't calm down and it felt as if he hadn't rested at all.

By the end of the day he was on the verge of something.

He was walking outside having slipped Jon’s notice to go and wait for Peter to leave to go away himself, when Barnabas and Jonathan come to see him. Both take a good look at him and he twitches.

“Jonah..?” 

“What’s wrong with you” He snaps.

“Wrong? Why I don't know what you could possibly be implying, aren't you a doctor? Can’t you try and figure it out what sickness do i have? Oh I know you liked to pretend you were beyond my kind of entertainment, but you had your own sick enjoyment of your medical practices Jonathan I know. And Barnabas, my dearest friend, or maybe not, let me remind you that I warned you about Mordechai, yet you did not listen. True, what happened afterwards was my fault i'll concede that, but you were just as much of a gambler, don't try and get out of it” He moves his arms wildy and stares them down, clenching his jaw he grins maliciously, while they start to become paler.

“Oh, what’s that, you dont like now that i remember? You certainly didn’t care about how it felt before, must have been nice to be the one in charge of wringing out your own personal hell to me, well congratulations!!! That is done, you don't have to worry about it anymore. I can make myself miserable without your aid. After all you were small unimportant specks in my life-” Lies, all lies, he kept the letters, the bones, it wasn't the normal way but he cared about them and he missed them, still does-

The fury goes out, neither boy could answer, his arms drop.

He laughs.

“I'm sorry, i guess i am- i am a heartless monster after all….” His voice breaks and he wipes his eyes and feels the weight of a stare, turning around he sees Peter looking at him from the window frozen in place.

He feels his face fall in utter helplessness and misery.

Jonah is a heartless lying monster.

Peter clutches the window to try and open it but he shakes his head at him and runs off.

He didn't see the two boys faces of hurt and actual worry when he laughed and called himself a monster, he doesn't see Peter try and get to where he is, Jonah just gets his bike and goes.

Saturday is when the tragedy strikes.

The entire week had been a series of more and more unfortunate encounters, that made him realize that the problem had always been him. He was still on the edge, but he could make it.

He was a good liar even to himself.

His mom was going out later that day, she looked hesitant, but gave him a kiss and told him to behave while he went to the library. Gertrude was there, he did not want a confrontation with her in the slightest. But he needed to be out and the place was quiet.

She had to look twice at him, he hasn't come in a long while and he was aware that he looked like death.

Sitting on the floor among rows of books he just relaxes. There was no joy in reading, or playing games or watching his favourite shows anymore, it was all just following the motions.

But at the very least this was a safe place.

His eyes snap open.

“Hey are you done with that book? Hey come on i need to read it too” His entire body seizes in place, he is well hidden among the bookshelves, yet the voices kept coming closer.

“No, I'm not, stop asking Elias!” 

No

“Look i will give you anything, just lent it to me”

Nonononono

“Look we just find it and you can take it from here, stop annoying me”

Two men in their early twenties stand in front of him, he recognizes them. One was the boy who was friends with Elias who died with his eyes gouged out, the other was the very same man that he had used as his body for years.

They look down at him.

“Um kid could you move? I think the book has to be here-” Jonah gets up and runs off.

“Wow there wasn't any need to-” Elias didn't have an ounce of recognition on him, no nightmares no anything, he would live a life free of any memory of what was done to him and he would live it as himself, whatever way that may be.

Jonah was an idiot, Gertrude makes a sound of protest, but he just breezes next to her and leaves.

He is an idiot, such a monumental idiot, his mind blanks out and the next thing he knows he is at the apartment, he drops all of his stuff around the living room without a care.

They don't matter anymore.

Has anything mattered? No, of course not, this was it wasnt it? The cosmic joke playing on him, the reason why he got here in the first place, oh it was so very deliciously slow, the irony was great even.

Give him a taste of what could life be, slowly start to take it away from him, piece by piece and then- then make sure he knows why-!

Because it would be more good to see him unravel, because the eye still wanted to see him fall, because it was a way to give everyone a chance to see him play the idiot, to see him go down like he never did before-! 

He is walking though his room in a fit of maniac energy. Nothing that he has done was for himself it was all a big scheme, nothing was real, nothing was- he wasn't-

Jonah himself wasn’t even real was he? No why would he? He laughs, that's the joke, like he did to the others, this version of him would get replaced with a monster, he will turn into the Jonah Magnus that brought the end of the world out of a feeling of entitlement and terror of his own demise. He wasn't a person, he only made everything worse for everyone just by merely existing didn't he? He was a living reminder to those who recalled the hell they lived in.

He starts to pull his hair in desperation and let out a whine of utter impotence, he doesn't even know what to do anymore, he can't keep going like this, he thought he could, that he could bare with it and it would be enough, but it will never be enough wont it? Everyone must have  _ known _ , Peter… Peter was his own fault, for thinking he could have something good even if just for a moment.

Elias? Elias was the tipping point.

Were all the other’s somewhere? James, Richard- did any recall what he did to them? To their lives?

Was there any point for him to keep on living?

That struck him.

Was there? Wouldn't everyone just celebrate that their personal boogie man was gone? Martin surely would be, he would finally stop haunting Jon, the man himself would probably be ecstatic to not have him around. Barnabas and Jonathan too, his dad- hi- his mom….

At the very least she won't have to know the kind of monster she had for a son, at least he won't have to feel her judge him. At least she won't hate him for liking….-

Simon won't have to deal with him hurting Peter any more- and the boy.

The boy would move on and find someone better. Just by thinking about it he feels ill, he wanted… he wanted his husband, he wanted his friend and partner in crime, he wanted to just cry it out and let him hug him until he grew tired, but he knew it wasn't a possibility anymore. Peter hated him.

Jonah Magnus was alone, tired and he wanted to rest.

The spider in the corner was gone, but he did not pay it any mind, the mother of puppets had her fun with him and he wanted out.

This was his choice, the only true one. He would take control of whatever is his life, even if its just to make sure it ends and he can't hurt anymore.

He gets the sleeping pills.

Beholding offers the knowledge of the right amount to consume with his age and body weight to make it faster.

Before… before he makes a note to let his mom know to not enter, its the least that he owes her. To make sure she doesn't have to see him. Once done he tapes it to his door.

She won't come back until dinner, so he has time.

Jonah considers leaving a note, something explaining, but its better like this, something quiet and without any explanations, he wants to be forgotten and be a bad memory only.

_ Jonah wants to be remembered and live _

Sitting in bed he shakily starts to swallow them one by one. The more he does the more he shakes.

Even when he is trying to do something right he is still scared of the end.

Once he is done, he lays in bed and waits. He hadn't eaten and the dizziness hit him, he panics, but remains in place, he has to. Soon he starts to feel more and more tired and he can't move his limbs, he can't move and he is trapped.

He swallows hard, his panic doesn go away.

He needs to puke, he needs to puke them out, he is going to die, he doesn't want to die-

Jonah twitches but doesn't move, he can't, its too late and its ok, its for the best, he chose this. He feels something scuttling on his arm and with bleary eyes he sees the spider look at him. 

He wants to cry.

It just stays there and even if it's a bloody spider and he hates them he is not alone.

Jonah passes out and knows nothing else.

  
  
  


Hell or whatever configuration of system there is, sounds like a hospital

His throat feels scraped, his eyes can't open and the beeping is getting on his nerves.

After not being able to do much, he passes out again. The next time he comes to, he opens his eyes and is more aware that he is actually alive, which is way worse. His throat still hurts.

Mom is holding his hand and looking at him, she looked like she had aged through the morning, or maybe he just never noticed, she had always had this regal look on her.

“Jonah?” He blinks twice “Oh my god sweety” She starts to sob. He feels like that is what he should do, he can't talk and she offers him water. It hurt, but he managed to ask a simple what happened. She gave him the most heartbroken expression he has ever seen on her face and this is what he wanted to avoid.

“I forgot my bracelet, a spider walked on my arm and realized it, so i came back and saw you stuff and went to your room, there was that note and i-” She covers her face and lets out a few more sobs.

…. Why-

Why did the mother of puppets wanted him alive? Why wouldnt it let him-

Well of course it wouldn't, she wouldn't let his new toy go out, he had to be clever.

A way out, he needed a way out, his heartbeat picked up and she looked alarmed at him

“Hey its ok, its ok, we will find- i will get someone to help you sweetie i don't know what you are going through and i can't pretend i do, but i want you to know that im- im here and i will always be here for you Jonah love. I love you, I always have, even if- even if i couldn't show it” He cant believe her, her love is conditional on the idea that he is still her son and not some placeholder for the one that would harm her or everyone else just to see what happens.

Jonah needs a way out.

“I'm going to tell the nurses that you woke up, so they can check on you and a man asks you a few questions ok?” He nods numbly, what does he do?

What can he do?

A nurse, a doctor and a man who he assumes is a psychologist come, the first two check on him and ask questions that he nods or shakes his head for, the throat still hurts a lot. They tell him it's monday, so he knows at least how long he has been out of it.

The third man looks kindly at him and gives him paper and a marker to write answers, he has a spider pin.

Clever, he could use the pencil or pen to stab himself, but the marker’s point it's not hard enough to actually kill him.

He answers some questions but ignores the ones that he can't answer. He does not explain himself regarding the attempt at all. He feels seen and exposed, feels like they are all judging him and watching him embarrass himself. His mom tries to say something, but at this point his ears are ringing.

The man turns to her and says something and Jonah cant take it, the lights, the sound, the feeling of being watched were too much, he had wanted an out and the web took that choice from him. He didn't have any other option how could he stop being a monster-

How could he just quit-!

Quit.

Oh.

He stays still, he just needs everyone to clear the room, he has scooped out his own eyes so many times its practically ingrained on him, yes his hands are not the best choice for this, but he is out of better elements.

Histeria is climbing, but he keeps it together.

Just leave-

He just needs 30 seconds tops, it will hurt without any anesthesia, but its maybe another price to pay. Like this he won't have to die, he will just be free from beholding or of knowing how much everyone hates him. Maybe he changes schools, starts all over anew, that could be something, he just needs 30 seconds.

Leave him alone-

They move to the door, but won't leave!

His mom gives him worried looks and he looks up to the roof, there are no spider webs hanging anywhere.

His hands sweat and he is panicking, he needs to do it.

She comes back and tells him that the doctor thinks its better if someone is looking at him just in case. It snaps him and he turns to look at the man.

They won't leave, he can't quit….

He knows, he must, is he working with the mother? Was he an avatar? Is he stopping him on purpose? 

“Jonah?” His mom is looking at him worriedly and the man slowly approaches.

He is doing it, he has to, he wont have another chance, he is trapped otherwise, he needs to do this, he has to be able to control this-

“Sorry” He shoves his thumbs to his eyes, and his mother screams, the man lunges and manages to stop him, but he starts to scratch at his own face instead while he tries to kick him off, he feels the scrapes and the sting of pain, he gets something wet and soon more doctors come and the nurse sedates him.

Why won't they let him do this, its for everyones elses happiness!

He wants it to stop, he wants to forget, to let it be all a bad dream, he wants -

He goes down.

He dreams of  _ their  _ apartment, there is no fog and it's quiet and empty. Peter is no longer sleeping on the couch. Jonah is alone, maybe this is why he has always liked the lonely ones.

Still, he goes to their room and climbs the bed that's too big for him now and just curls up there.

“I'm sorry”

He stays there until he wakes up again and sees his hands are in some form of mittens. He has no escape now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to capture the full blown out downward spiral. Because the others didn't get the full picture, Jon was an observer, Simon and outsider and Peter was right there, but he didn't get the full picture until it was too late and he was also passive about his involvement, so he was close but didn't get to see the full extent of what was going on. Jonah was good at lying.  
> The thing with Jonah is that as we saw with Jon’s chapter those who remembered did resent him, but as i said before they aren't the exact same people, the boy was shamed so much before remembering, that he ended up internalizing it and assuming that it was true, that he was a monster and they all saw it.  
> What’s left of beholding of course picks the insidious thoughts of everyone to show him, and he doesn't get any of the good ones so he gets submerged in self hatred and rejection, despite not being true. He can't see this world as a second chance but as his punishment for what he did, unlike everyone else.  
> Finally Simon’s theory was correct, the more you obsess about the past the more you remember, and clings to you. Sometimes the memories come if you have to learn something from them.  
> Also thanks for all the comments, they made my day and my week sucked so really thanks! Leave one if you like it.


	5. Jonah Part 2

Jonah gives up.

He doesn't have the energy or the will to keep trying.

They move him to a suicide ward. He wants to slip away, even if it takes him time.

Simon comes and he doesn't make any sign of acknowledging him or communicating, his m- Edith tries, but he ignores her. 

Time passes and the nurse comes and says he has a visitor, one Peter Fairchild, she asks if he wants to see him and he shakes his head and goes back to lay on his side and watch the window. It opens from the top and the glass is too thick for him to even try to jump out.

Peter keeps coming and he keeps rejecting his visits, its infuriating, he might be doing this to spite and its tiring. Everything is.

The doctor with the spider pin treats him, asks questions that he simply doesn't want to answer, so he says nothing. Saying nothing becomes the norm. Mother asks if it hurts or why he is not talking when she manages to look at him in the eye, he feels a pang of shame for causing her so much pain. But he shakes his head and looks elsewhere. So they only give him a board and a marker to write answers. He doesnt use it much.

The downside to all of this, or one of them at the very least, is the fact that they wont give him any more sleeping pills, so he wakes up several times during the night, with nothing to write what he saw, the statement just keeps playing over and over his head. The food is also terrible and he can't eat it, too soft it makes him nauseous, so he refuses.

It lasts until the man, doctor Cooper, tells him that if he doesnt eat and he keeps losing weight they might need to intubate him, the concept is awful enough that he agrees, his mother at the very least makes sure he gets more solid food.

“Jonah? He came again would you like to-” Shaking his head he frowns, the nurse looks at him and eventually sighs and leaves.

He cant see Peter, but,

He wants to.

So very badly, he wants to see him. Wants to make things go back to how they were before he remembered. Jonah wishes that he never knew, but this life is his punishment and cage and clearly he can't leave. Peter coming to see him is just another way to hurt, to make him suffer.

Jonah is not really himself and he never will be, he is just the monster everyone hated and when he tried to make it better the universe decided he wouldn't even get that. He is scared and afraid. He is also so very alone.

Jonah had been alone because he wanted to, because he played with people to suit his needs and once they were not useful he just let them burn and watched without offering to help.

Jonah now was alone because of what he had done, because there was no other chance for him, this world was just made to hurt him, it made him care and when he did, it showed him how much of a horrible person he could be, that he will be. Because that's it isn't it? He will just turn out to be the same, everyone knew it.

Peter knew it too and now was just taunting him, probably even found it funny how he was the lonely one now. It made his eyes sting just thinking about it, he didn't want the life from before, he wanted to just spend time with this version of his- his husband

His cheeks flush

Of his friend only, if the other never wanted to be together again, he just wanted to have fun like before, he wanted to forget, maybe like that it wouldn't hurt. But he remembers and beholding reminds him of how much everyone around him found him distasteful or horrible.

He wants to leave, he wants to go out with Peter and eat ice cream and maybe kiss him again, he wants to not be Jonah Magnus anymore, but he hurt too many people already and he has no way to make it better than to pay for it. Elias was there alive, Richard, James and the others must be too. Jonah is alive too even if he shouldn't, the worst is that he still was afraid of it, afraid of dying, of the end.

That never changed.

His mom looked tired every time she saw him, she fuzzed over him, brought back books, got him small treats. She tried everything, but he just stayed quiet and went through the motions.

He has nothing left to say.

Memories of words that wouldn't stop coming from a throat that was dry and practically ripping itself apart and healing instantly was his answer. He did not want to speak anymore.

Life just went on, he was forced to attend sessions with doctor Cooper who tried to make him engage and explain how he felt.

His only answer to that was just

_ Tired _

Sighing the doctor asked about what, even if he could tell the man knew the answer already.

_ Existing _

When mom said that Simon came to visit he actually threw a tantrum, he did not want to see him. They had to usher her out to calm him down.

He didn't want to see anyone!

Just let him be al-

A pang to the chest, this is how Peter felt before huh? He lets out a quiet sob and buries his face in his pillow.

After that she did not mention any more visitors.

Peter still came everyday and he refused him every time.

The nurse hesitated once he rejected the notion.

“He stays even when you say that you know? He just… waits” He narrows his eyes and looks to the window, he hears her sigh and gets the faint impression of annoyance from her thanks to the eye.

Whatever.

Time blurs, he mostly stays in the room he got assigned, only gets to leave with a nurse to walk with him to make sure he doesn't attempt anything, his mom visits, Peter comes and he refuses to see him, food time and therapy sessions are the only things that he gets to do.

Rinse and repeat.

Its all hopeless.

At night there are nightmares he can't stop, during the day he gets a nice dosis of the other patiences most awful memories from time to time. He could be just staring at a wall and suddenly he knows about how Caroline from the second floor lost her child to a changeling, that no one believed her that her son got replaced and when she lost it and tried to hurt him, his husband sent her here due o a mental breakdown.

She wasn't wrong, an agent of the stranger had taken the child and replaced it, but no one would believe her.

The memories hit him rather badly since it feels like that is what he has done somehow, that he replaced his mom’s son for an aberration that shouldn't exist. That Jonah Magnus stole his life and that is so bloody ironic.

He stole his own life and chance for happiness.

Still he feels bad for her so in one of his walks he crosses paths with her and approaches to slips her a note.

_ You are right he is gone, call this number he will help- _

A wounded hunter came the other day to the hospital. The hunt is weak, like all the others, so the cases are smaller, the chance for becoming a monster is lower, but the man was good, tried to not become a bloodthirsty creature himself.

He can't save her son, but at least she won't have to go back to a monster.

He wishes someone would do the same for him.

Besides that the only thing he can do is think, about before, about his life now, about the others. His mom, Jon, Martin, Peter, Simon, Barnabas, Jonathan, Martin, Gertrude and Elias. Jonah is stuck in a never ending loop.

The doctor is not pleased, he knows it.

“Jonah, i just want to help you, but i can't if you won't let me” Help

What a joke, there is nothing to be done, he would have helped if he had let him blind himself, the web once again saved him when all it ever wanted before was him gone. He has no control over anything in his life right now, now even his own death.

That suddenly struck him, he has no control, he never had, he is just going through the motions, but are those his ? If the web is involved it must be because of something sinister.

He panics and Dr Cooper tries to get him to calm down, but just knowing that he might be manipulating him makes him try to pull away. He doesn't want him here, he doesn't, he doesn't, he wants his mom, he wants his mom- go away-! He tries to go away, but soon another nurse comes in and tries to calm him down, her voice was more soothing and it reminded him of mom so he slowly started to breathe normally again.

When he sees his mom again he is sitting on the bed and she runs off to hug him, he should reject her, but he is scared and Jonah wants her comfort. So finally he hugs her back and once she starts rubbing his back and telling him she is there, he just breaks and starts crying again.

They stayed like that, eventually both ended up lying on the hospital bed, his mom was hugging him as close to her as she could and he clinged back.

“Jonah? I'm going to tell you something ok? So listen” He nods against her neck and she kisses his head and lets out a breath.

“I always wanted children, I knew that I wanted to work and have my own kids. Your father was of the same idea, but for the longest time, no matter what, we just couldn't have them, there were a few… lost ones before you. The doctors said that both of us were ok, but I was already losing hope. Until you came along, i was terrified that i would lose you too, but the months passed and you were perfectly fine. Soon you were born and I was so, so happy, my little miracle. Your father was at first too, oh he had been so excited, but soon he started to be... “ She squeezes him “Far grumpier and meaner and we started to fight. But I couldn't let him go, so I endured. Then one day he pushed you. You started to cry and I came running and he was looking so- point is, I got hit with the realization that I wanted to be better, that I wanted you to be happy and love you without any issue. So i filed for divorce and he agreed” He is trying to wrap his head around it when she hums a song that he hasn't heard in almost 200 years “Jonah you may not get it, but i wanted you, i always have, even- even when it seemed that i didnt i still loved you endlessly” His heart is speeding too much, because does it mean she-

Carefully he traces numbers on her palm, when he finishes the last one she stiffens.

It was the year of his original birth.

“Jonah..?” He nods “Oh my god, sweetheart” This was perhaps even worse, how could he even face her when she found out what he di-

“I love you” He starts to cry again.

Clearly he can't do it himself, he will be stopped, so he needs a third party. Someone who would be willing to get rid of him. He thinks about it hard, but the answer is fairly obvious, he just would rather not have to face her.

Gertrude Robinson would get rid of him with no hesitation, after all, he did shoot her 3 times and she was the most pragmatic no nonsense kind of woman there is. If there was a threat she would get rid of it. Besides, she had a lot of desolation in her, enough to burn any kind of loose spider web clinging to him now. He just needed to play things right.

So now it's only a matter of figuring out how to leave. He is in constant watch, so to make sure he gets a chance, he needs to play nice, or to at least pretend to be better and listen to Dr Cooper. From there it's just figuring out the pattern of the nurses, and see if there is any way to leave unseen. Maybe if he focuses he can get the cameras to glitch.

With that in mind, he starts to slowly open up, or well pick what he says to the man, he still writes, can't find himself a reason to speak anymore.

The idea to just make sure he  _ can’t  _ fleetingly passes his mind, but he dismisses it. He needs to make them think he is getting better to let him walk around and get what he needs.

So he tells doctor Cooper a sanitized version of how he feels. No in one go, but slowly by sessions he sprays in some real facts, while still being difficult.

He nods and offers counters to his ideas, if his problems went a little bit easier than being the likely vessel of an evil version of himself than perhaps it could have worked. But as it stands… he can't take them seriously.

Even if some of them strike him a little bit too close.

After some of them he feels rather scraped raw and it itches to tell someone how he feels, to let them in, even if it's on such a small scale compared to what he was actually going through.

“I wanted to ask… about your friend, Peter? He comes to visit, I know you haven't let him in, and that's ok. But I just wanted to know how you feel about him, or if you could describe him? Your mother says that you became close this year after the fight with Barnabas and Jonathan” He stiffens, what does he say? It takes him a while to put himself together.

In the end he writes something simple.

_ He is fun and gets me. _

“... You had some form of fight before? “ Clenching his jaw he nods jerkily.

“That's ok, so tell about-” And he changed the conversation.

It's been a month and school was over, his mom says that he passed since his grades were all good as an afterthought. He shrugs, its not like he cares about it anymore, there is no reason to.

She hesitantly asks if this is because of before, he bites his lip and doesn't move.

“... Jonah i…. After I died, what happened to you?” Mother died when he turned 25, she never saw the institute, never had an inkling to anything being off. She died young and managed to avoid seeing him go down the rabbit hole, unlike his father. Maybe if she did she would have sent him off somewhere or let him go.

As it is, he says nothing.

Dr Cooper starts to ask about Peter a few more times, all innocuous things, but he is sure he is trying to piece something to use against him, so he gives pretty standar answers.

“... I understand it's hard, but he seems like he is worried about you”

_ I don't want to see him _

“I know, but everything you told me about him points to you getting along really well, so this is… puzzling. There was a fight, but he clearly doesn't seem to hold it against you” 

_ Don't care _

He frowns.

“Ok, let's move on for now then”

Elias thinks it's unfair that part of his way to get out is being impeded by Peter coming. The other has never stayed in one place for him ever. Covering for him in the institute didn't count since he really spent almost no time inside.

He gets frustrated, so when the nurse comes, he writes on the board if she can give him some paper to write. She looks cheerily but guarded. 

Using the marker he writes:

_ Stop coming and leave me alone, you are just making things worse- _

He hesitates, but he needs to hammer the idea in.

_ Like always _

He folds it and gives it to her. She is curious and he gives her a really angry look, so she leaves.

Unfortunately he is the bane of all of his existences, because he doesn't stop. 

In fact he gives him a note too. The nurse looks at him expectantly and he just breaks it without reading it.

No, just no.

She comes and he is about to give her a look when she says two other boys came to visit.

Confused he writes on the board what their names are.

“Jonathan and Barnabas”

His clutches the board and is very tempted to throw it at her, instead he takes a calming breath and with very jerky movements writes:

I DON'T WANT THEM, GET THEM OUT NOW!!

She actually looks startled and squirrels away.

They don't come like Peter every day, but at least once a week both do.

He hates it, he hates it a lot.

Were they there to gloat? To see him locked up? They must want to have a laugh at him, must find this deliciously ironic and perfect for him.

He hates them

He misses them

He wants them gone-

Of course Dr Cooper takes notice.

“Jonah… i know you say that you feel they hate you, but i did briefly saw them, they all look very worried” Lies, so many lies, to trick the man, or the man is tricking him? he doesn't know, but it's so obviously fabricated he has to stop himself from laughing.

Mom says she saw Mr Sims at the grocery store and asked about him.

His chest feels like it will combust just by thinking about Jon. Still he keeps quiet and pretends to read.

“He asked about you, looked very upset, his… partner seemed nice” She hesitated before the word and he has another vindicated feeling about not saying anything about Peter or Barnabas “I told him you were still being treated and he wondered if perhaps he could visit..?”

Clutching the book he shakes his head and writes.

_ i don't want to see anyone mom, just you _

Her mouth goes into a straight line.

“Ok, little dragon”

Dr Cooper won't let him move outside yet and he knows he has to give something more to let him do it.

_ Do you tell my mom what I tell you? _

He looks at him.

“These sessions are between us, I'm only obligated to say anything if it's harmful to your life or the life of someone else” He nods, so he decides to spin his story to give him something to latch on.

_ I kissed Peter and we fought. That's why I haven't spoken with him. My mom doesnt know I like boys. I had a crush on Barnabas before and then he and Jonathan fought with me and started to date. They figured about the crush and mocked me much later for it. _

_ That's why I don't want to see any of them, i didnt… i didnt do what I did because of that, but it piled up with what I told you before and it blew up. _

The man looks gently at him and it makes his skin itch to be seen and thought to be weak.

“This helps a lot Jonah, lets see-” This session was the worst of them all, for so many awful reasons.

He gets approved to move around that wing of the hospital and he also gets his prescription to antidepressants. The nurse gives him his dosis.

Jonah doesn't like it, but he has no other choice to pretend he wants to. His plan is still in motion.

Now that he can leave the room albeit someone is always making sure he is fine, he starts to pinpoint where the security cameras are and where the nurses go. He gets flashes of where the security keys are and he starts to map out an escape route.

At night it would be for the best, there is a five minute blind spot where the nurses change their shifts that if he plays his cards right he can use to get away. Now he only needs to find a way to get a card and it will be perfect.

The nightmares continue, Peter sends more notes that he disposes of or plainly refuses them. His mom tries and he thinks sometimes how unfair it would be when he succeeds, how unfair it was that she got stuck with him again.

She mentions meeting a few more times with Mr Sims and he has to avoid flinching.

“He invited me to drink some coffee, he was very kind, Martin too” Jonah looks at the roof and he thinks he can see a spider web in the corner of the room.

“Jonah?” He stares at it very hard, wishing it away “... Why wont you talk?” That breaks him out of his reverie and he finally looks at her, really looks at her. 

He grabs the board and she holds it in place.

“I just want to know what's wrong, I want to help! But you don't talk to me- i- i don't think you were really talking with me the last few months either, even when you did speak. Please sweetie”

He can't explain less he is put under watch again so he shakes his head and she lets out an angry breath.

“Fine, fine!”

They don't say anything else.

He knows how to get out, he knows where to avoid, he just needs the keycard to do it.

It's so very easy in the end, just an accident actually, the nurse was running late to give him his medication and go, so she gives it to him, but receives a call and turns around to talk, her purse was on the chair and he managed to snatch the needed item it before she turned again.

With sweaty palms, he is so very close to what he needs to do.

Its his only shot, before she notices its gone.

After mom leaves, he pretends to sleep and waits for the switch.

He looks at the clock and the spider on the wall.

Once it's time he gets up and goes.

His mom left him his favourite hoodie so once outside he runs off, avoiding cameras, people and going to the emergency stairs, quick, quick. 

Once on the ground level, he takes a breath and hides the key on his pocket. This is the trickiest part. He doesn't have Peter’s bubble, but he can make people see something unpleasant, enough to distract the receptionist at the very least.

It works long enough for him to slip away.

He is out, now its a matter of getting to the library since he doesn't know where she lives. 

Jonah walks. 

He feels cameras watching him and he knows that they will distort.

He keeps walking even when his feet can't give another step, he reaches the library and he looks for the tiny window to sneak in. He has to climb to get to it and from there climb down the bookshelves. Jonah almost falls several times and actually scrapes himself a little, but nothing too bad, he finds some tissues in the reception desk and cleans it. He drinks some water and now way too tired falls asleep in the bean bags for the younger kids.

Waking up to Gertrude looking down on him is not ideal, in fact it startles him so bad that he actually falls to the ground with a thud.

“You speak while you sleep” He tries to put himself back together quickly. Jonah hasn't spoken a single word in almost two months, so he licks his lips nervously and after coughing a little he manages to reply.

“What was i saying?” She looks at him for a while.

“Ceaseless watcher turn your gaze upon this shell of a man, of this wretched creature who stands as your pupil and-” Oh, his death, yes that tracks with what he is here for. He must have been truly exhausted if he couldn't remember.

“Hello Gertrude”

“Jonah, i see you remember”

“Likewise” They stare at each other.

Being nervous is a simplification, Jonah is fucking terrified right now.

“Well get up, i assume you are here for a reason, albeit why you are half dressed for the hospital…” Ah the pants, it was the best he could steal.

“Yes, funny story actually, i was in the hospital for a while there” She moves and he follows even if his feet felt like they were being frayed with glass. The shoes he got and how much he walked must have hurt him a lot, but honestly it was inconsequential.

“Lets go to the breakroom i assume this might take some time and the place doesn't really open until much later”

Once there she starts making tea and he sits very uncomfortable on the plastic chair.

“So? Start explaining i don't have all day” He decides to be blunt.

“I want you to kill me” You could hear a pin drop with the silence that fell.

“Come again?”

“I want you to kill me, figured i owed it to you since i… well i shot you three times”

The older woman turns around and stares.

“Why don't we start from the beginning” He frowns “I won't do it unless you actually tell me why”

It stumps him, but out of everyone, she is the only one who wont pity him, or condemn him even more, after all it's hard to beat killing you in cold blood.

The image of her body slumping comes the front of his mind an he hugs himself, he wants to forget, wants to forget-

There is a cup of tea.

“Drink and start talking”

He starts from what happened after she died.

Explains Jon, the assistants, Jane, the marks, the circus, he tells her everything. He admits that things become blurred after the apocalypse, but that when Jon and Martin managed to disconnect him, he recalled who he was, that then the archivist smote him.

From there he moves to this life, not knowing anything, but being able to tell some people were off, that his friends remembered and left, that he met Peter again and they became friends.

How his memories got triggered back and that from there it was a downwards spiral, until-

“You saw Elias”

He nodded, the tea was already gone.

“I freaked out and… well i tried to do something good and make sure everyone was ok, by-” He takes a breath “By getting rid of myself, but the web interfered, got my mother to come sooner home and got me to the hospital. My own doctor is, I believe, a previous acolyte of the web, he managed to stop me from quitting” Gertrude nods along.

“The eyes huh? Clever” He smiles grimly.

“Yes, but he stopped me, clearly the mother is doing it on purpose, I had a few more… incidents involving the web, hell i even worked with Annabel at school before realizing-''

“Cane?”

“Yes”

“Hmm”

“So there, that's the entire reason, story whatever. Now will you do it? I mean, im sure we can coordinate this so you don't get sent to jail-”

“You were in the hospital, how did you get here?” Pulling a face, but schooling his expression he shrugs.

“I escaped, look i don't have much time before people notice and i would very much like to be done with this”

She takes a sip of her new cup of tea she made during his explanation. His voice was very raspy by the end of it and his throat hurt.

“I'm going to have to decline”

He blanks out

“What”

“I'm sorry, but i can't kill you” His confusion turns to panic.

“What do you mean you can't- haven’t you heard anything i told you?? Look I'm Jonah Magnus!! I'm not occupying the body of anyone, you can get rid of me easily- Im sure we can think of a way to hide my-My c-corpse. If this is just to make me suffer then-” He stops “Its that isnt it? It's more fun if I destroy myself, isn't it? That's why the web is always stopping me from-” He feels his cheek sting.

“Calm down now”

He is breathing heavily and scratching his arms.

“Now listen to me carefully. I don't want to kill you, because i'm done with it. The web… have you perhaps considered that it might be you?”

“I'm not of the web-!”

“No, but fears meld and you know it better than anyone. You watch, but you were always good at manipulating people to do your bidding without them realizing. So perhaps, just perhaps it manifested like this. You are controlling your own life without realizing it to keep yourself alive”

He stiffens, its like he thought, Jonah is-

She seems to pick on his line of thought crafty women that she is.

“You are doing it, because you are almost 14 and you don't want to actually die, because you are a kid and not  _ that  _ Jonah Magnus”

“But i AM!”

“No, you have his memories, sure, but Jonah would have never tried to kill himself, too self centered for it, he wouldn't have cared to spare Lukas feelings, to be sorry for hurting his teacher. You are literally  _ wrapping yourself in your own web _ and  _ watching yourself choke with it _ at the same time”

“It hurts” His voice quivers

“It should, learn your lesson, do better” She leaves no room for hesitation and its so unfair how practical the woman is about it. As if it was easy.

“Do you… do you feel bad about the people you-” She sighs.

“Micheal came one day, saw me and-” She actually smiles “Tried to deck me in the face” He looks moresely at her.

“Then..?”

“Then he did, when there weren't people around of course, but he did. I owed him that at the very least. He won't forgive me and I don't want him to. I will be accountable for what i did, Gerard… he is with Eric, i pray he doesn't remember what i did, that he doesn't remember Mary either, he deserves better than that”

“I can't deal with it, I just- i just can't-! Its too much, too many memories, too much suffering-”

“.... i can't help you, i can't help myself either, it's a struggle most of the time. Adelard says i shouldn't be so negative, but what does he know?” Despite being in a pit of despair his mind does go to the man and his theory, it also makes him think about Peter.

“He was right” 

“Mm?”

“About the extinction, it was a fear, actually made it to the apocalypse” She makes a face.

“Looks like I owe him money then, he will be insufferable” He snorts.

“Yeah, Peter would probably-” Jonah stops and lets out a breath and she gives him a look.

“I won't kill you, what you do is up to you”

“Pragmatic as always huh?” She gives him a sharp smile.

“I never liked you, but I do find you more… palatable now, at the very least you are very organized when reading”

“Old hag”

“Regency brat”

“.... can i stay here?”

“The longer you stay the more troubles you will be in”

“I just want to think”

“... another hour”

“Fine”

He considers his options, out of the hospital he has so many more chances to just kill himself if Gertrude wont, hell he could quit too, now that his hands are free and there is no one to stop him.

But its not…. she is right, he doesn't want to die at this point, never had, he just wanted to make the pain go away, to forget. He is still selfish and a coward, he is just a stupid kid and he wants…. he wants all of this to be over with. He wants to go home, but he no longer knows what that is.

The apartment he shared with Peter? The one with his mom? The house he grew up in once upon a time?

Nothing fits, nothing feels real. He just wants… something, an idea of a place that doesn’t exist.

Jonah is honestly lost and alone.

In the end he decides to go back to the hospital, they will probably lock him again and make him take more pills, its… grim honestly.

He will be trapped in a never ending cycle of his own making. No matter what, he won't get better, he will just be worse. He tells Gertrude that he wants to go back to the hospital and she says she will get him a cab. She pays the man first and tells him to get him to the hospital no detours.

He sighs.

By the time he reaches the place it's already midday.

He stands outside and looks, he doesn't want to go back, but he also doesn't know what else he should do. Start over? Laughable, then again. 

Maybe he can… ask mom to move somewhere else? Somewhere far away so he doesn't have to see them ever again, start a new school, try and pray he doesn't find any more people he hurt. Its wishful thinking, but its perhaps the best outcome he can manage at this point, less he just tries and jumps out of a bridge, or steps into the street to get hit by a car.

However, there are high chances that would only end up with him being injured and in pain and not dying, if Gertrude’s theory is correct.

With a last view of the street, the moment he gets to the reception and the woman looks at him, she goes to call a phone. A nurse goes and takes him to his room and waits with him.

Honestly is a little bit on the nose, considering he came back and he is clearly fine, but its very obvious they dont trust him, which is fair. Dr Cooper and another doctor come to check him out. They ask questions he doesn't answer and check him for any harm, the only thing they see are the scratches he got by climbing to get in the library, but they are shallow and are already healing and his poor blistered feet, that get bandaged properly.

Its around an hour of waiting by reading a book that he hears a commotion outside, his mom enters the room looking very disheveled, he can glimpse if only by a second Mr Fairchild and Sims on the other side, which makes him freeze, however the door closes and mother comes and clutches him.

“You are trying to get me to an early grave young man, Jonah you are so grounded after this” He is old, she cant ground him!

He wiggles to try and get her off, but she is much stronger than him and hugs him harder. 

“What were you thinking?? Where did you even go!!! Jonah sweetie i love you, i do, but i can't do this, i can't just live having to expect the worse. What is wrong? What do you need? What happened why are you like this- I don't understand-” He pats her back and she suddenly stops.

“Im… i have to go” She looks completely wrecked and he feels a pit on the bottom of his stomach. Maybe this was it, what pushed her to realize he wasn’t worth her efforts, maybe she just drops him to get taken care by the doctors and doesn't come back anymore.

She opens the door and he sees-

The adults and he can hear even if further away….

Jonathan's voice, along with Barnabas and even if muffled he swears he heard…

No, it doesn't matter. None if does. 

He doesn't know why they are all there now, but he doesn't want to see any of them, doesn't want to face them. He just wants to forget all about it, all about them, him, everything. Just start from scratch.

She closes the door and he is for now alone.

Jonah is currently trapped in a box of his own making and he can't get out.

The more he tries the more nails someone puts to shut it down for good.

He looks to the web in the room, he watches the world outside from the window.

He can't die, he can't quit, he most certainly can't live- Not like this, he cant exist like this for much longer.

The clock ticks and he gets washed out by the feeling of resignation. The room is cold.

Maybe, maybe he can try one last trick. After all, he has all the needed qualities and it would be thematically proper considering his choice in men and their destinies.

So he breathes in and out and lets the despair come out, Jonah is alone, has always been, maybe before he rejoiced in it, rejoiced in being alone, but not lonely, never forsaken. But now it would be good to be forgotten, to be left alone to his own devices, to remain forever out of reach and never have to face a single person again, to see or hear or know their despair. Jonah wants the quiet and cold. He wants to be finally alone.

Because he is isnt he?

Everyone hates him for what he did, those who don't know it yet, like his mom would do, the two men he could say he really loved died because of his inaction, the boys must hate him.

Jon and Martin are probably glad, they must be making sure he remains somewhere contained and unable to harm anyone else ever again.

The coldness creeps around him and he can see fog on the floor, he steps on it.

“Please just make it all go away, please, i don't want this anymore” It swirls and slowly oh so tantalizing slowly it rises. The last thing he hears before everything goes blank is Peter, Martin and Barnabas yell.

  
  


The floor is cold, he reckons, he is still in the hospital, at least a version of it, if his eyes are not deceiving him. Jonah is sprawled on the floor, when he gets up and moves he hears the quiet. No machines beeping, no people milling around, nothing of the sort.

The window shows the foggy outside world.

Huh.

Getting up he started to walk out of the room, when he checked none of the doors were locked. He decides to explore.

It's slow, since his feet still hurt, but there is no actual hurry, it's nice, the best thing was perhaps the quiet, no voices or thoughts from anyone else, just his own mind.

Jonah is merely surveying his new resting place, at the very least its not as bad as it could be.

A part of him wished he could be walking his institute, he missed it quite a lot , missed his office, but at the same time he knew that it was also the place where he spent his last moments too and it made him uncomfortable.

He had hated forsaken for a very long time, it was somewhat one of the more small and insidious fears, he had hated that Peter had managed to feed from him sometimes, hated that the man would leave, just to make him feel his absence. But now he could understand the appeal at the very least. Now he could just let the place tear down all his memories until there was nothing left and it ate and spat back his bones when it was done.

His mother won't have to see him decline anymore or learn what he was, the others cant hurt him with their silent judgements or hate,  _ he  _ can't hurt anyone else here either. He is safe, he has made everyone safe by default and its great-

The lights flicker.

Hugging himself he walks, its honestly great! No more adults asking questions, no more self doubt, no more Jonah, no more attempts to his life, no more being the reason people have to see their tormentor, no more pills, no more Jonah, no more nurses pitying him, no school, no more boys, no more Peter, no more-

Feeling something wet across his face he quickly tries to clean it with his sleeve, he doesn't even know why he is crying.

No one would miss him, no one did, this might have been Jon’s idea when he remade the world, or perhaps Martin, he hated him more. 

No one could love him, how could they? He was a monster. Had been a monster, but now he stopped it, this place was his new prison, solitary confinement to keep him away from anyone else. To keep them away from the freak.

Jonah- Jonah wanted his mo-

Mother would despise him, for being awful, for taking away the chance to have a normal son for once, for liking Peter. She had so many chances, this was the kindest choice, to let her think his son died while still being himself and not an abomination.

There were no second chances it was obvious, that had been hell for the eye’s amusement.

After all-

After all not even his own god had wanted him, not really, he had just been a placeholder for Mr Sims. Peter would have been proud to see how alone he was.

The corridors seem endless, but they follow at the very least the layout of the place, there is a part of him that it's telling him that he needs to find a way out, that he has to come out, he knows its true when he catches a single lone spider walking around that he promptly squashes.

No sense in letting it live.

Time works very oddly here, which makes it hard to pinpoint how many times he has actually seen the entire place, it must be a few for he finds tally marks in a wall and he realizes he has a marker in his pocket, he doesn't remember picking it up or making any of them.

Jonah sits to rest, wonders if he could see the city or if the fog was so thick it would be impossible. Its quiet and there is no hurry.

He hums and eventually snaps up awake, there, another spider walking on the floor.

He kills it. Is it the same one as before? He honestly can't tell.

It doesn't matter.

He doesn't remember how he got here, the faces of the people in his mind were all hazy and blurry.

His line of thought gets interrupted and he soon forgets what he wa trying to remember, all Jonah knows is that he needs to go to the roof. He would like to go to the roof, so with laziness he gets up and walks to find the way up. His hands are shaking and despite the green hoodie he feels a chill that reaches his bones. Wonders if this time Barnabas will keep his bones, probably not, mother perhaps. 

The way there takes a few more attempts, there are more tally marks to see.

….

He can't remember the name of his mom.

Did- did he have one? He must have otherwise, how could he exist?

The door is there and he opens it, there he is out, albeit what is out really? The city was in a cloud, Jonah could barely see his own hands in front of him with how thick it was, the feeling of freezing was even stronger here, so with chattering teeth he reaches the end of the roof and stares, he tries to  _ see  _ , but he gets hit with a wave of nausea and pain so bad he doubles up. Sitting down he stays there.

In the far away distance he can hear the sound of low malfunctioning sirens, and if he paid attention even more, the sound of waves. That makes him think of something, a shadow of a memory of something sad, something that hurts.

He rejects the motion and keeps sitting there for a long while.

Waking up startled again, no dream of course only blankness and blessedly quiet, he doesn't know why he is there.

Where is here actually?

Looking to the sides he only sees that the fog has become less thick, he could see the door in front of his line of vision now. So with legs almost locked by the cold he stumbles inside. His limbs are all shaking like a leaf and he has to brace himself to not fall down the stairs.

He is so very tired.

He-

What…

What is his name again?

He can't tell, somehow he feels like he should care, like he should be terrified, but it feels freeing, it feels like he is finally safe.

So he ignores the nagging thought.

Walking around, the need to rest hits him and he stumbles against the wall, looking around he tries to find a room that was empty. They all were, but some of them really felt like no one was around. While trying to pick one, he sees something moving on the wall, something soon turns into more, he has to stop.

The opposite wall is covered in spiders, thin leggy ones, that start to go move all in the same direction. Feeling nauseous he follows them albeit far away. They stop in front of a door that feels familiar but also dreadful, so he runs.

He runs away, to try and look for somewhere else to be, where there are no spiders. He quickly ran out of breath, he was too thin and hungry and tired to be able to keep going.

Suddenly he hears something fall behind him startling him in his perfect silence, quickly turning around he watches until his eyes look to the floor and he sees…

A small rectangular object, seeing it feels him with the feeling of being seen, of being known, and something tells him that is the worst thing he could try to do.

He needs to remain anonymous, to be forgotten.

So he ignores it and keeps going.

A wall with tally marks, there are more he thinks than before-

Before what?

….

Another box, another tally mark.

They start to pop up closer to him, one even makes a noise and he hears it playing.

…

He picks it up and after a few seconds throws it against a wall as hard as possible to shatter it and runs.

Run,stop,tally,box,spider.

Run,stop,tally,box,spider.

Run,spider,tally-

Stop, tally, box-

He is staring at a wall filled with tally marks.

Huh, wonder where they came from.

After walking around he finds a room, it feels empty, so he goes there to rest. Getting up to the bed he lays there and counts the tiles on the roof to try and fall asleep, soon his eyes start to drop and he feels oh so very tired, like he could just sleep forever. The room its freezing, the windows had frost covering it and he could see his own breath when he exhaled.

He feels like he should leave, like this was a trap. But he was so, so tired….

He just wanted to finally sleep.

Closing his eyes he just stays there, he would have fallen asleep, but the sound of something clicking on and a voice speaking woke him, he was so disoriented that it took him awhile to realize what the person was saying, lifting himself up a little he sees a small rectangular bow, the origin of the voice, next to it there were smaller rectangles lying there.

There were 5 in total.

Something else clicks on, but he is focused on the voice.

It keeps talking, its a woman’s voice.

_ -so please know that I love you, that I love you, and that despite… despite what you did, you are not the same man, you are my little dragon, curious and- and funny, who found my work fun, and somehow liked to help me with the bloody spreadsheets-!  _

Her voice breaks and he feels a pang of something

_ -my little baby, i swear everything will be better, it will! Simon told me and even if it's hard to wrap my head around, i- i will make sure you are ok, Jonah we can- we can move if its better for you, find somewhere far away where you don't have to see anyone from before if it hurts you- We can go to America or any other country in Europe i don't care!! _

_ I don't care where, just as you come with me love, I swear it will be fine. _

He clutches the object like a lifeline and his hands shake.

_ And- and i'm sorry that you thought that i wouldn't- Jonah honey, i'm sorry you thought you couldn't tell me, i honestly could care less who you love, i really don't sweetie i never told you because there wasn't really a reason but i like both man and woman, i really don't care… if its about how i spoke about Jonathan’s partner, honey he was nice, but in a sort of bitchy way that annoyed me, look as long as i get to be there on your wedding day, you could marry a bloody mannequin for all i care. _

_ … _

_ Sorry I forgot there were apparently evil mannequins, honestly… what kind of weird- _

_ Nevertheless, please, please come back, i'm not mad, i don't hate you, i never will love. Come back to me my little dragon, i love - _

He turns it off.

He is breathing hard and blinking away tears, he automatically presses a button and it opens, he puts the next cassette(? and puts play.

The other tape clicks off.

_ Old friend, albeit that is not correct now huh? I do like to think I'm in a better place now to get how bad I was in response to other people’s feelings. I'm certainly happy that I am. _

_ Jonah, honestly… I'm not mad, I was at my very last enjoying my little hellscape. Do you think you are the only one who remembers the pain? I caused an immeasurable amount, 500 years is a lot of time and i'm just a simple man now. My only… problem was what happened to Peter, but even then to me it was just another casualty at the time. I couldn't care about it, I was quite honestly a monster myself, still am in some aspects. _

_ But this life gave me the opportunity for a second chance, to do things better, to do them right- _

_ To help the children I ignored and let suffer despite actually being fond of them, and I love them as mine. So very much.  _

_ You can do that too, can change, can grow-! You are young and the memories hurt, but they do because you are at your core, someone who always liked to poke the hornet's nest to see what happened. More often than not you sent someone else, but this time it was just you. _

_ Learn from your mistakes and change for the better, pick apart what happened to not repeat it and then. Then let it go, let it slip away. It will stay sure, sometimes it will hurt, but its the price we pay for this new life. Judith thinks the memories are a way to help you make sure you don't make the same mistakes, then when you are done, they fade and I'm… inclined to agree. I have my own ideas, but they are of no concern to you now. _

_ So! As i favour to ask, could you come back? You know the way out of forsaken, quite simple, quite romantic too in a way. Love or well and anchor can make the world of difference. _

Something clicks on.

_ And you have one, you always did, it's just that you were both too stubborn and self centered to do anything with it. _

_ It's the only thing i can offer, the rest is up to you now. _

_ …. _

_ I do hope you come back Jonah, i would love if you and your mother came back to visit, the rest of the children's want to see you too. Especially Pe- _

He turns it off.

His head is reeling, who is Jonah? Why did the woman’s voice made him feels so bad, why is this man so friendly- an

An anchor?

“Why do i need an anchor, i'm safe here”

He is- he is safe, there is no need to leave, leaving meant pain, leaving meant remembering.

Memories were painful. The man said it himself, he doesn't want to hurt, he wants peace.

Still… still he picks another tape.

_ Jonah- _

He turns it off and puts the cassette tape in his pocket breathing hard.

The voice of a boy made him feel instantly like his world was going sideways, his hands are sweaty and his heart was beating faster.

Something is still making noise in the background, after a few seconds it clicks off.

Putting another tape he hears someone breathing nervously.

_ Im mad, i still am, even after all this years seeing Albreach was- _

The voice takes a breath.

_ It still makes me wake up with nightmares, i cursed you, i cursed you for involving me, for aiding in his horrible end, sometimes i still do. But i also remember you befriending me at school and helping with my experiments, to have sleepovers at your place and laughing. _

_ I miss that, I miss being friends from before too, from before the dread powers were in the picture. Being mad at you was easier, even when you didn't know what you did, I was also mad at myself for still missing you. Its stupid. _

_ So very stupid and then Barnabas- _

_ Its ok Jonathan- _

_ No, i-  _

_ Let me take it from here. _

_ Jonah- _

He shakes and wants to hurl the thing away, but he barely manages not to.

_ …. you were right about Mordechai, but i had been so sure of myself that i refused to listen. It cost me, when i asked for help you refused, i felt i was being seen sometimes, i didn't know if to curse you or bless you, for at the very least i wouldn't be forgotten completely. _

_ In the end it didn't matter, my memories started to slip and i knew you would never come, that you never cared. _

_ But that wasn't quite true either, you did care, on your own way. _

_ I didn't know what the difference was until we met again. This time it felt more… real, genuine and it was so nice, sometimes i saw you and i had a feeling of utter dismay so big that it made me freeze in place. _

_ If this is somehow a way to show how sorry you are- _

_ i don't want it. _

Of course not, he wants him to be there to hurt, to see him fall down to see-

_ The forsaken was an awful prison to me, and I know how much it twists your thoughts, you were always prone to think the worst and when you got those powers you internalized it. But you aren't doing it now, you are probably already thinking the worst. _

_ Your death there won't make me happy, neither would your suffering out here.  _

_ I… don't forgive you, but i don't want you gone, i don't want you to suffer like i did. I want you to be better, like you were being. It was easier to let anger and fear make us be more awful to you when it was clear you had no clue as to why, it was a coward's move and I know it. Jonathan does it too. _

_ I- _

_ Its ok, come here. _

Bitterness swells somewhere in him when he hears the rustling of two people leaning together, two people he should know.

No, stop it.

Something clicks on.

_ I'm sorry about my comment, i shouldn't have mocked you for your crush, it was just unfair. I don't think we were ever meant to. I wasn't quite right for you and neither were you for me. We both wanted different things from the other. _

_ Jonathan makes me happy. _

_ … Peter made you happy i saw it, it sort of made me.. heh, envious, yeah i know. _

_ So please come back… we want- we want to talk things out, we want you to be here. _

_ We do miss you. _

_ Please Jona- _

He clicks it off and sniffs, his eyes are watering.

Why-

“Please stop…” He doesn't know who Jonah is, what do they mean-

**_Lying is always easier huh?_ **

There is a last tape.

He is sitting with his feet dangling from the bed, with trembling hands he picks up the last tape. He has a feeling...

There is the tape with the boy in his pocket, he can't hear it, he really cant.

Has the feeling that he would have killed to have it, to have him speak and talk like that about him before, to know what he thought about him before.

But he can't tell which before he means.

Putting the tape on he clicks it on.

It takes a few seconds of silence before a voice-

**_Ceaseless Watcher-_ **

_ Jonah i wanted to say- _

He takes it off and with fury hurls the tape to the wall, the sound of it shattering is deafening. In his hands he still clutches the recorder. 

His breathing comes in harder and now the tears do fall.

“Please stop… Please, I don't know why- I don't want to go back, its peaceful here, i dont- i want to be alone here! I want to just sleep and not- im doing this for everyone! Its for the best, why does no one see it!!! I'm just trying to get rid of Jonah Magnus… How much do you want me to suffer to be happy? I never asked to be this!!!I want to stay gone-! I want to STAY ALONE”

Something clicks off and he goes to the bed and curls up there clutching the tape recorder like a lifeline.

Eventually he drifts off with awful visions of a world that was. 

The sound of waves crashing woke him up.

He-

….

Who is he again?

Slowly getting up from the sand, he is on a misty empty beach. The entire place was monochromatic in shades of grey, looking down even his clothes and skin was like htat. Something ticks in his mind that it shouldn't be like that.

But he doesn't care. Not really, not for much.

Bored and cold he walks. There is nothing beyond sand, far away he thinks he can see the vague shape of a lighthouse, maybe that's where he should be going, but he feels a little reluctant.

So instead he just walks around.

He has no idea how many times he has passed the same place, but while going around his feet get tangled up in something making him fall forward.

Luckily he used his hands to catch himself, looking to the offending object he sees something shiny. Pulling from the sand he sees a necklace with seven rings hanging from it.

The thing doesn't really bring him any type of feeling, the rings are too big for his hands. Still he stays sitting there staring at it mesmerized. None of them have any inscription, one one the middle one has an eye, but it looks like someone scratched the image on it until it was almost unseen.

He frowns, its just junk, he should throw it away. Stretching his hand he lets it dangle from his fingertips.

….

He clutches it and carefully puts it around his neck inside his hoodie. 

The idea of lying there and waiting is tempting, but instead he gets up and walks again in the direction of the lighthouse.

There is a small dock.

Blinking he goes to see it, his feet hurt so he might as well sit there for a while, the lighthouse won't be going anywhere.

Once there he sits and kicks his legs back and forth while looking to the foggy and grey ocean. It's nice, the waves practically make no noise, which is weird, but its ok, he didn't even like the ocean that much, too vast, too unknowable.

While there his hands get cold and he sticks them in his pockets, that's when he realizes he had something in it.

A small cassette tape.

He looks at it, how odd, why was that there?

Unfortunately… there is nothing to play it with, he seems to recall having something in his hands when he woke up, but he dropped it at some point. Shame. He was about to chuck it into the water when he heard something pop next to him, startled he looks and sees-

A tape recorder.

…

Convenient

After mulling it over he decides to play it.

….

_ Jonah, you are so, so stubborn, it was ironically one of the things i liked and hated about you before. Likewise you felt the same way about me. _

_ I- sigh- i don't even know what i could say, i know how forsaken works the best, and i want to think this could work, but i'm not that optimistic. Martin says- _

_ … _

_ Yes, i spoke with Martin, better than Mr Sims, i- he almost made me cry when he asked me questions, dad was furious. _

_ Look, listen… i. _

_ I'm not good with this, I spent so long rejecting company, hell the idea of an anchor was laughable at best, why would I want someone to pull me back for my god, but sometimes…. _

_ Sometimes I left you on the worst terms because it became too hard to not want to leave. You were lonely, i could tell and it was intoxicating and i wanted- _

_ I wanted to feed and I wanted to stay. _

_ But I was selfish just like you. We both cared for our own goals far more than each other and it was fine, it was why I kept marrying you. It was lonelier with you than without you. But… _

_ But i don't want that anymore, i dont- i didnt want that anymore in this life. I thought I was fine with just dad and my siblings, but I was only half right, because you made it better, I had fun and I wasn't lonely. Hah can you believe? _

_ I don't hate you, i have been trying to tell you that this entire time, with the letters that i'm sure you destroyed if the nurses face was anything to go by- _

_ … _

_ That hurt, this whole thing hurt a lot, but you were hurting the worse and i never tried to- _

He clutches the thing harder

It wasn't his fault he didn't want him to know what was wrong, he didn't want him to hate him-

He...

_ I waited, i'm still waiting somewhat, this time i wanted to stay i promise, i swear- Jonah.. please, please come back i miss- i miss my friend, i miss going to your house and playing games, watching horror movies, listening to your true crime podcast that you like so you can rant at me about it even if i don't particularly like them. I want you back, I miss… I miss being close, seeing you light up when you hear another piece of gossip to mess with the other kids. _

_ I died because i was a stubborn bastard, you probably knew it would end up like that, but then again, i could have just told Mr Si- The archivist what he wanted to know, if i did i would have gotten away. But i lost and i wanted to spite him and to keep your secret safe as a last fuck you. _

_ I'm not mad about dying, I always figured you would be the end of me, seven divorces and counting… It sort of gave me an idea of where I was going to end. _

_ Honestly i'm surprised i even lasted that long, heh… sorry that's morbid. _

_ …. _

_ I love you. _

_ I… think i always did, maybe not in any normal kind of way, but in the only one i could, and i think you did too.  _

_ The kiss was-  _

He hears shuffling

_ It was really nice, I was just overwhelmed by the memories, I honestly wanted…. i still want to do it again and again and maybe- maybe hold hands and- perhaps hug-! _

The boy sounds flustered and he feels his own cheeks burning for some reason.

“I want that too-”

He blinks confused.

_ So come back. Please, i- _

_ I know you Jonah, even if i didn't want to before, I know you now and I want to get to know you even more. My sister thinks…. that the more you think about it the more you remember, that you scratched at your memories so much that they wouldn't stop, i agree, just let it go- We can't change it but we can certainly live now! _

_ Please come back, this time I won't leave. _

_ “ _ What if i want to leave?”

Nothing responds, he is alone.

He clicks the tape and replays it over and over again.

The boy sounds nice, he likes his voice, he wonders who Jonah is, wishes it could be him if it meant the boy would like to stay with him.

“How odd…” It's so confusing what he says too, he speaks of before and now, as if there were different lives.

The sun never sets, or well, he cant see the sun with the cloudy and misty sky, but the light never dims. 

_ I love you. _

Stop, rewind, play again

_ I love you. _

Stop, rewind, play again

_ I love you. _

Stop, rewind, play aga-

He hears steps on the wood of the dock, he turns.

A boy is staring at him, its so odd because his clothes are colorful, so much that it actually hurts to look at. He gets a flash that the sweater he is wearing is blue, a darker color than his eyes that seems lighter, albeit somewhat puffy as if he had been crying.

“Jonah?” He blinks in astonishment, it's the boy from the recording.

“Who is Jonah?” The answer makes him deflate and he feels like its his fault.

“You- you are Jonah, Jonah Magnus” The name doesn't ring any bells whatsoever, so he shakes his head.

“Doesn't sound familiar” His jaw locks in place and he, Jonah(? pats the place next to him “Want to see the ocean with me?” 

Slowly he goes and plops next to him. He is taller than him, just a little, but he needs to look up to see his eyes. His hair is somewhat long, it looks…. nice, the irrational feeling of wanting to touch it comes to him. So he instead looks to the front.

“You forgot”

“Mm, what did i forget?” He sighs.

“Everything” It should perhaps bother him, but on the other hand…

“Well… maybe it's better if i don't? It's not so bad, kind of nice, better than feeling bad i reckon”

“Do you feel bad?”

“...I dont know”

They stay quiet, he starts to kick his legs back and forth again and after a few minutes the boy joins him.

“What's your name?” Turning slightly to him, he sees the sad and tired look he has.

“Peter… Peter Lukas Fairchild” Nothing comes to mind.

“Nice name” Peter closes his eyes and lets out a shuddering breath.

“Yeah, albeit, its only Fairchild now, got adopted, my parents were bad”

“Sorry to hear that” Quiet reigns.

“They were wrong, i can't believe i thought even for a second-” He looks very upset now and he doesn't know what to say, so he leans against him instead.

“Why are you-?!”

“I'm sorry i don't know what to do to help you. I don't really want to go, and remembering sounds painful”

Peter sighs tiredly and they stay like that in silence for a long while.

“.... i lied to my dad” He moves his head to look at him, the boy is warm and he is freezing cold.

“About what?” He feels him shake a little.

“I said that i was coming back, but i don't think i can anymore, i promised to you that i would stay this time around” Oh

“Oh, you can, you can go, i will probably forget about this eventually, it won't really matter” He laughs, its a sad bitter laugh.

“It will to me”

“Mm im sorry” He feels his arm slowly move to wrap around his shoulder.

“Its ok, i guess it makes sense i would end up here….. you were a surprise”

He- Jonah closes his eyes and nuzzles his neck, Peter is warm like nothing he had felt here, he feels his cheeks burn.

“.... why are you-”

“You love me” He takes a breath “I heard the tape, I think… i think i loved you”

“Loved…?” His voice is small.

“.... i'm not sure, this feels right, but i'm not really sure of much honestly”

“....” He stays quiet.

“I do know that i…. i wanted to do those things you said the hand holding and-” His face burns more now “Kissing, no idea why”

…..

They stay close.

“Jonah?”

“Mm?”

“.... i do love you, a lot” He closes his eyes. Peter is nice, Peter is going to stay here until he becomes as cold and forgets like him.

Peter should be somewhere warmer just this once.

He slowly peels himself away and struggles to not make a sound of protest from losing the warmth.

Carefully he pulls out the necklace, the boy said divorces…

He shows it to him.

“Is this yours?” He looks at the offered object with a shocked expression. “I found it on the beach”

“It… it is. They are my- our wedding rings” 

!!!

“We are going to get married??!” He feels his face move into what he thinks is a smile, it makes Peter look baffled and then laugh, his cheeks turn pink.

Its a lovely color on him, makes him look alive.

“I, yes, yes we can get married, as many times as you want-!” He holds his hands “We can… my sisters will be there, and my dad and your mom! it can be on the mansion. There will be cake and- and flowers. We can go and travel afterwards, see a lot of places, you never- never really left London, and i hated to walk among people, but it would be nice if its us” It sounds so marvelous, almost like a dream.

It is a dream he thinks, a nice one, one that if this works he will forget.

“That sounds perfect” Peter nods.

“It will be” The boy seems to think something, suddenly he pulls out the ring he was wearing in one finger.

“I didn't know why I kept stealing Judy’s rings, but after I remembered… old habits die hard” He puts the ring on his finger, its one of those that can adjust, so he makes it fit better.

“There, now you have your own” Elias stares.

El-

He blinks.

“Who-who is Elias?” Peter grabs his hands harder.

“Does it matter?”

“.... i “ something is pushing its way into his mind and its painful.

Forget it, forget it.

“No, it doesn't” Peter smiles and he hesitantly does it too. Slowly he slips his hands off him and after biting his own lip he places them on his face, making him shiver.

“Sorry i'm cold”

“It's ok, I don't mind” He does, but he won't call him out on it. He always did complain about him putting his cold feet against him in bed.

….

He focuses, its for the best, its the last kindness he will offer.

Slowly he moves forward and the boy like a moth to a flame goes to move towards him.

Their lips meet in the middle. Peter’s hands wrap themselves around him and pull him closer, almost on his lap. Softly he places quick kisses on his lips that the boy chases every time he pulls back. Its simple and soft and he doesn't want to do anything else. He could spend eternity like this, but the cold in his back lets him know its not an option.

The lighthouse is calling and Peter shouldn't stay here for him.

When he bites his lip and starts to make out a little bit harder the boy pulls away and laughs against his mouth, making him grin.

“You minx”

“You love it”

“I do, i- hah- I love it, I love you-” He places his forehead against his.

“I know, i love you too Peter, i always did” He feels him take a breath-

“Jonah-”

“Promise me something?” He nods.

“Anything” He feels the cold around him.

“.... Find someone better to make you happy” He hears him make a confused noise, but he doesn't let him say anything before he kisses him one last time.

“Simon misses you, so do your siblings, you're not lonely anymore and forsaken doesn't want you here”

The wind howls.

“Goodbye Peter”

The boy slips between his fingers with a panicked yell of his name.

Jonah is alone, he can finally go to the lighthouse.

  
  


He doesn't forget this time, Jonah Magnus walks to the tall building with purpose and finally reaches it.

Peter wont come back, he can't, forsaken will always be with him, but never again enough to let him in the beach.

Jonah/Elias feels… content with that.

He goes up the stairs.

Its quiet but for the sound of his own breathing.

Jonah is finally there, he opens the door, the room is bigger than it should be possible.

Its an amalgamation of his office with the top of a lighthouse, the walls are glass and he can see the middle where the light should illuminate the sea.

He opens the glass door that if he leans forward he would fall and die, instead he goes to his desk to sit and wait.

There is an appointment left for him before he takes a leap.

He replays the recording from Peter to pass the time, it won't be enough to bring him back, not if he doesn't wish to.

And he doesn't, silly little man.

Jonah doesn't have an anchor, never could and regardless of his own feelings he always will choose his own path no matter how many people he hurts along the way.

The door opens and Jonathan Sims and Martin Blackwood enter.

“Hello Jon, hello Martin, i was waiting for you”

They both freeze looking at him.

He stares at them right back.

“Jonah-” Martin looks like he wants to punch him and run.

“What are you doing?” Jon looks tired.

“What do you mean?” He gives him a look that it's hard to decipher, how odd it is to not be able to read him as before.

“Why are you playing at being Elias?” Raising an eyebrow he smirks.

“I'm afraid i don't understand the question, im very much myself”

“Jon…” He is holding Martin’s hand, a pang of longing for something crosses his mind.

“Jonah, why are you trying to act like before?”

“I'm not acting, I'm me, i have always been nothing else but me, i just didn't want to realize it before, stubbornness and childishness i suppose. Had enough time to think without panicking like a child here to just, let go of whatever was left of my denial” The man sighs and looks… sad for some reason, he frowns puzzled.

“I don't see what the big issue is, I reckon that it might even be cathartic! you didn't really have much of a chance to go full kill bill on me before, what with me being more of a husk than anything. Yes, the eye did show me that tidbit Martin, also did you have to call me a dickhead?” He looks unimpressed at the man.

“Regardless, you came, so here-” He opens his arms “have a go at me, do your worst archivist, you too Martin i know how much you want to punch my smug little face, yes the eye did tell me that too”

Neither of them move, in fact Martin looks uncomfortable and downright horrified.

“Jonah, why do you think we are here?” Jon, much more level headed, looks at him.

He flounders.

“Did, did you just ignore what I said? It's very obvious why you came”

He remains quiet and he shifts in his seat.

“To close things up of course! You never got your showdown to put me down, merely… merely disconnected me and smited me, i suppose there were a lot of unsaid things, look, just say what you want, punch me if it makes you feel better and go, i have better things to do”

“Like what? Work? You are a little bit young” He gives Martin a sour look.

“Im 200 years old Martin im not young”

“You are 14!” He sounds indignated.

“I'm thirteen!”

“No, 14 your birthday was two days ago” Jon is closer now, for some reason he is talking like if he were a spooked animal.

Still…. His mind halts a little.

“Wha-”

“You have been in forsaken for 3 weeks, Peter stayed three days, came back a week ago, he tried to send himself back over and over, but it wouldn't hold, Simon had to drag him to the mansion” Martin is also approaching slowly and he feels caged. The comment makes his chest hurt. “He was devastated, said that you remembered but send him back, that you  _ wanted  _ to stay” Mr Blackwood- Martin spoke now far more kindly and it threw him off.

“Why are you acting off?”

“Off how Jonah?” Jon played dumb, he knew what he meant!

“You know what i mean Jonathan, dont play dumb, i believe we all are beyond that”

“Amuse me” He clenches his jaw.

“Why are you acting all worried and nice, what is the trick here?”

“There is no trick, we came because we want to help” He snorts

“Help, sure, look if you want to throw me off the window i assure you i can do it myself once the meeting is over, i have a schedule to attend to after all” They boths stop and look at him.

“What-”

“No, no. Jonah we aren't going to- we aren't going to hurt you and you aren't going to jump”

….

He realized the error of what he said too late.

Jonah got up quickly, kicked the rolling chair their way and ran off to the open glass panel, while the other two yelled at him.

“NO” He is standing on the border, a step back and he falls.

“You were saying? Also stop moving” They were both close, but not enough to stop him.

“Stop, look Jonah we are not here to fight you or hurt you, not at all, we want to bring you back”

“Back to what Jon!?! To the hospital where I'm going to spend the rest of my days?? To the school where I will know how everyone hates my guts? To what exactly am I going back? I have nothing to hope for, nothing to live for! I will live to see all my mistakes stare at me back- I will see Elias again. Maybe I find James or Richard or any of the others and they can recall what I did to them. I have no hope, I have no future to speak off! Like this at the very least I can pick my way out, I can spare them having to face me ever again, they will live without my shadow looming over them, over you!! Just let me do this-” He moves slightly back and they both reach forward. “This is my own hell, my punishment why-” His voice breaks

“Why did you bring me back too? Why not let me stay dead- Was it- Was it to see me suffer? Bet. the- bet the eye is having a joy with this, must be- must feel good to see me-”

“Stop, stop, please i dont- Jonah i didn't do anything, i didnt bring you back i honestly never expected to meet you again- Im not enjoying this in the slightest, i just want to help”

“Why? I don't want help, how many times do i have to say it!!! I want to stay here- Jonah wanted to die, but he got stopped, he tried to quit to stop himself from becoming me but he got denied, then he went to Gertrude but even she refused!! This was the better attempt, but noooo, no one would leave it alone. And now this? This is not help, this is just dragging me to spend the rest of my days in suffering, this “And he points to the room “Its my own little safe haven, its quiet here, it doesn't hurt here! I don't want to hurt anymore-”

“But its not real, Jonah you can't stay in forsaken, it eats you up, as much as i- as much as i hated you i was wrong, you really are just a kid”

“I'm not a kid-”

“You are, i'm sorry that you thought you werent, that you thought that you were going to become Jonah, but that's not gonna happen, you are just scared its normal, you try to separate yourself, but who you were, is not who you are, this life… i dont think is a punishment, its a second chance, to be better, to  _ try  _ to be better, that's what i had been trying to do, what everyone has”

“Its- its easy for you- you didn't organize the end of the world, you were just a victim” Jon takes a breath.

“I was, it took me a lot to face that, that it wasn't all on me, but you…  _ you  _ didn't do anything of the sort, the worst thing you did was prank Michelle because she mocked you and Peter. You're Not the Jonah Magnus that caused the end of the world, you are my student who likes to ask me questions non stop, who is friends with Peter, who has a mother that loves him unconditionally and actually punched me in the face when she found out i killed you and trust me she has a really mean left hook” His mouth twitches upwards. “You are just a kid. I can't forgive the Jonah that was, but i don't hate you, i can't, its not healthy or good, and honestly? I don't want to”

“I hate Jonah, i… hated you, wanted you gone actually, but Jon is right, I just didn't want to see it, you are just- you are a kid. You are just a kid…. So is Peter, you are both just a pair of kids and you're not the person you were before, if you let Peter go, if you told him to find someone better for him. He… told me, he was so angry, Jonah Magnus would never spare him, wouldn't be kind enough to let him go”

“What about the woman Caroline? I got a flash of what happened to her, I also saw… you gave her a card with a hunter’s number. You felt bad for her and you helped!”

His breathing is coming harder, but he wont- he cant-

“She- she lost her kid to a stranger thats- thats what happened to mom i just wanted to-”

“You aren't a stranger!” Martin is looking more upset. “Jonah, it's going to hurt as long as you let it. Learn and be better, you have the chance for it, you can live your life and grow”

“And even if it looks hopeless… its not, it really isn't, there are a lot of things back there, there are people who would honestly be broken if you died. That wants you back so much” His lip quivers and he looks back, Jon and Martin both give a step.

“I don't know what to do- i don't want to remember anything, i was… I was happier not knowing. I want to forget being Jonah, i don't want it anymore” Jon shakes his head sadly.

“It won't go away, not completely, but with time the memories will diminish, you just need to stop overthinking them. Stop focusing on the wrong thing, stop watching the suffering of others and pick what you did wrong to heal, to try this time around to do it better”

“I-”

Pick.

“No”

Forsaken huh? 

Maybe- maybe its the easy way out, but…

“Jonah?”

He wants to forsake Jonah Magnus.

“I don't want them, I don't want any of them. i don't need them anymore”

“Jonah, come here-”

“I want the Jonah Magnus that was to be  **_gone_ ** _ ” _

He has a last time to think about the Barnabas and Jonathan that were. He won't be able to be friends anymore he supposes now.

For the Peter that was… for the life that they had and that he won't remember.

What happens next is odd and hard to explain from all parties involved, or at the very least from Jon and Martin’s perspective it is.

Jonah doesn't really know what happened after all.

What Jonah does know is that he is lying on the floor with Mr Sims holding him while he sobs uncontrollably, and his arm hurts like hell, the man that he has seen visit him several times is with them and he is touching his forehead and asking Mr Sims questions too quickly for him to hear.

He feels devastated, he clutches the man who very awkwardly hugs him back and Jonah borrows his face on his neck. He has no idea why he is crying, why he feels so much loss and why he feels empty, like something got unstuck from him and left a hole somewhere. He does however keep repeating the same thing even if he doesn't know why he is saying it or what does it all mean.

“MsorryMsorry,pleasedonthurtmemrsims,mmsorryjonimsosorry” He sobs and feels the man shake.

“I won't, i'm sorry too Jonah, im sorry, so sorry”

“Jon? Jon! What is wrong with him what happened is he-”

He ignores them. He can't stop, it's as if a dam broke and he needed to let it all out finally.

Eventually he passes out, but its sort of freeing.

He wakes up and his mom is next to his bed, he is… in the hospital?

Huh, why is he….

Right, he took all the pills.

His arm was in a cast for some reason.

School was too much, the fight with his friends, his nightmares, kissing Peter and ruining their friendship, that boy who looked oddly familiar, his dad telling him he hated him knowing how much everyone disliked him- even if he couldt really think why he knew it, albeit he thinks doctor Cooper said it was mild paranoia along with the depression.

It all piled up.

“Mmom?” She scrunched up her face “Mom-” She startled.

“Wha- Jonah?”

“Hi mom” Mom looks at him with her mouth slightly open and suddenly goes to hug him.

“Jonah oh my god. My- oh god” She cries and he hugs her back hard.

“Im sorry mom” He starts to tear up a little, hugging her back as hard as he can he mumbles “Im sorry, i won't do it again i promise, i dont- i dont want to hurt anymore”

They stay like that for a long time.

She asks what he remembers.

“... I ran off to speak with the librarian Ms Robinson, sorry for worrying you. We spoke about… “ His memory becomes patchy, but some blanks are filled with basic deduction “About me wanting to hurt, she sent me back, I was in my room and you came, then I was waiting while you spoke outside and-” He drew a blank.

A complete and utter blank of apparently 3 weeks.

“What… happened?” She looks miserable. 

“You… while i was out, you tried to jump through the window. You managed to break your arm and hit your head very badly” She kisses a spot that tingles “Ended up in a mini coma”

“Oh. oh im- i dont- i'm sorry i didn't mean-”

“It will be okay, we will work it out” He feels fuzzy but nods.

“... Sweetie I was thinking… things were rather bad at school, perhaps, perhaps we could move somewhere else, change your school? What do you think? Its not definitive, i'm asking what do you want to do” He is shaken.

“I- am not sure i know-”

“Hey” She lifts his face, and he looks at her warm smile and feels like things will be okay, he gives her his own hesitant and tired one “Its an option, and you have time to choose, there is no hurry” He nods.

He gets a new doctor, apparently mom didn't like Dr Cooper, since he couldn't help him.

The woman was far more understandable and he felt much better with her too, he had to take the antidepressants since he still felt bad most of the time, even if somehow it felt like a phantom pain. But it helped. He had missed his birthday which was upsetting, but then again he would have spent it alone anyways, well with mom obviously, but still, fourteen and no friends.

Maybe he should just change schools. Thinking about Mr Sims makes his head hurt along with his chest, as if he got stabbed.

He still is his favourite, but he reckons that Peter was right and that he was annoying the man.

Thinking about the boy made him sad and uncomfortable.

Jonah had been so stupid.

So so stupid.

His doctor said that he will stay one more week and that he can go back home, he was worried that it might be too soon, since he did almost succeed in dying, but she looked at him kindly.

And says that it will be fine.

He doesn't feel really great, but he hasn't felt like he wanted to harm himself, he was even able to eat like before, no longer so nauseous.

Albeit he now hates noodles with a passion, something about them makes him think of worms.

Finally they go, mom had apparently moved a floor up into another apartment, she said that she couldn't stay in that one and he feels terrible about it. She holds his hand.

“It will be ok” He takes a deep breath.

His new room is similar to his old one, albeit its in the opposite end to the apartment, the configuration is different enough that you wouldn’t be able to confuse it with the other one. He even has a window, there is a small pot for a plant there. 

…. He asks his mom if they can get one and she smiles.

“Of course”

He arranges the room to his liking, even gets to buy some stuff for it, a new carpet and more posters. It looks more lively, he asks if they can paint a wall green. It takes time since he can only use one arm, but its worth it.

“Sure” Things are looking up.

His sessions leave him tired and raw, but he needs them, he still has a lot of things that even if he can't understand where they are coming from, he starts to work on them.

Its not perfect, not even by a long shot.

But its something.

He is at home alone. Mom had to go to work, albeit she is trying to do it from home, but she is a lawyer and she has to go. He texts her every hour of course.

So he is hanging out in the living room watching Buzzfeed unsolved on the tv when the doorbell rings.

Baffled as he wasn't expecting anyone he goes to ask who it is.

Its silent before a simple.

“Its me” Oh, he hasn't seen Peter in-

His head hurts, but since before he got hospitalized.

“...”

“Can.. Can we talk?” Can they? Does he want him to?

“Sure” He opens the door with sweaty palms.

“...Hi” He looks-

He looks nice, Peter’s hair is in a small ponytail, he can even see a small braid that he assumes one of his sisters did, he is in a blue sweater and a pair of black pants with blue sneakers, he also can see a necklace chain on his neck.

He also looks sad.

“Hi” They are both looking at each other.

“Can i come in?”

“Yeah of course, sorry” He moves to the side.

Once inside there is an awquard silence, Peter is looking around the new place and Jonah feels stupid.

“So…. what are you doing here?” Peter goes and sits on the couch.

Rude.

“Wanted… to see how you were doing” Jonah recalls not wanting to see Peter, thinking he hated him for the kiss. Even when the boy came to visit him.

“Im… doing better. The therapy helps. Im… look Peter i'm sorry. For… everything, the kiss, not letting you visit. Im sorry” He stays quiet and he nervously starts to play with the ring in his finger. That seems to catch his attention.

“Where… where did you get that?” Odd and he didn't react to his apology, but well its expected. 

“I-” Where did he get it? He had it since he woke up, but does not recall anyone giving it to him.

Huh

“I'm not sure…” He tries to pull it off, but the boy puts his hand on top of it.

“Keep it” His cheeks feel hot, still stupid it seems.

“Fine” Peter does not take his hand away.

“Um, Peter?” Looking up he sees him stare right at him and his heart picks up “... is there anything on my face?” That seems to startle him and he starts to laugh, it makes his stomach twist badly and try to pull away.

“Sorry, its just. that's what i said when- well “ Right, he breathes out.

“I'm thinking about moving away with my mom, or changing schools maybe i don't know yet. It's sort of up in the air at the moment”

The boy looks at him sharply.

“No-” He shuts his mouth and looks pained.

“Peter?”

“I- huh, guess its my own personal karma that this time you want to leave me so badly” His head hurts and his heart is beating very fast.

“Im-”

Peter takes a breath.

“Jonah? I'm not- I'm not mad about the kiss. I'm mad about something else, so i'm going to say this and I hope it gets stuck in your head and I never have to hear anything like this again, ever. Because i don't want to and i swear i will punch you if you do” He feels very lost, but he nods and he continues.

“I like you, or you know what? I love you, I really do, i got… nervous because of the kiss and reacted badly, but I wanted to do it again. You are my…  _ partner in crime _ , and there is no one and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, there is no one in this entire miserable rock of a planet that I would rather spend my days bantering and talking with than you. No one. You make me miserable and so, so happy that is honestly terrifying. I would rather be lonely with you than without you” By the end of that he felt his face on fire and his mouth doing a very stupid smile.

“That is such a corny confession…”

“Oh shut up”

“But-” He feels very nervous. “But I feel… very much the same. I- I love you, and its stupid cause we have know each other for just a year, but it feels- it feels right” He sees him make a pained expression, but its so quick that he is not sure if it was there.

“So… Mr Magnus, would you… like to go on a date with me once you feel better?” Feeling giddy and… well happy he nods and actually leans forward to hug him. Its so sudden that Peter falls on his back with him on top. The arm in the cast thankfully didn't get hurt, but now they are practically face to face.

“Um”

Peter flushes and after a second moves and kisses him, Jonah closes his eyes and presses forward clumsily, but its nice, oh its very very nice. Eventually they stay like that, just laying on the couch watching tv and occasionally giving a peck to the other on the lips, he feels his face burn and if the pink on the other was true Peter was just as affected.

“I love you” Peter turns his face and kisses the top of his head.

“You too”

They fall asleep, he wakes up by a light and the sound of a camera.

“Shit”

“Mmom?”

“Sorry, sorry i was going to send it to Simon, he asked how was Peter and i-”

Thats when he remembers that he is asleep on top of Peter and his mom just walked on them and-

“I- can- can explain mom-!” She looks at him confused and she makes a face that he can't quite parse through

“Jonah, my little dragon. I dont care what you like honey, i never.. said because there wasnt a chance, but im bisexual, i really have no issue, im sorry that i made you think you couldnt tell me, thats on me. I shouldn't have insisted with asking if you had a girlfriend, it was rude”

“Oh, sorry” That is honestly a relief-

He had felt so bad thinking that she would find him digusting… It feels like something got dislodged from his chest.

“No, it was my bad, now, Simon will come to pick Peter up soon, so wake him up ok?” She ruffles his hair. He hears her leave to her room and he turns and kisses the boy’s cheek.

“You are awake aren't you?”

“Ten minutes ago” He still doesn't open his eyes.

“You weirdo” Still he says it with all the fondness in the world.

“Mm, your weirdo, my little siren…” Something ticks on his brain.

“Yeah… mine, my- “Something is just there- “Captain”

He opens his eyes.

“Oh?”

Why-? Better to change the conversation.

“Are we boyfriends?” That stumps him and makes him flush.

“UMMM”

“Or Partners is better?”

“... i like how it sounds more”

“Mm, partners in crime.. partners in life, i like it”

“Yeah… Jonah?”

“Mm?” He doesn't want to move from being half on top of him.

“... if you want to move or change schools its ok, we can still go to each others houses”

He closes his eyes.

“Maybe, maybe… it will be ok”

“Maybe huh?”

“Yeah..”

Simon comes for Peter and smiles at him, its also sad, makes sense, after all they know what happened. He tries to give him his best smile, but he shakes his head.

“Say, has anyone signed that?” He looks at the cast and Jonah shakes his head, Simon grins.

“Give me a pen”

Simon, Peter and his Mom have fun drawing on it.

Peter makes tine ships and eyes with a bunch of hearts floating in the middle, Simon draws clouds and sea monsters, his mom-

His mom draws a winking spider.

Once Peter and Simon leave, with the promise to go visit next weekend he asks.

“Why?”

“Mm? Good for the ecosystem sweetie, plus they are my favorite creatures” He winces.

“They are sort of…” She is cutting things in the kitchen and he hears her stop.

“Oh Jonah, i assure you, as long as there is one around you will always be safe” He doesn't understand, but he nods.

He sees her bracelet while she helps him with cutting the food, the one with the spider with the top hat.

Whatever.

  
  


He and mom go to Peter’s house the next weekend, when he enters he hears people yell.

“Happy birthday!!!” Peter along with his siblings and Mr Fairchild were all looking at him happily his mom laughs delighted and grins at the man.

“Wha-”

“Since you missed it by being a very clumsy boy we are getting you a birthday party”

“CLARA!!”

“What!” Jonah doubles over laughing.

“Thats-hahaha-one-heh one way to put it”

It's wonderful.

They play games, eat cake and even if he gets tired easily due to the meds he gets to take a nap with Peter. And Judith and Aaron who decided to pile up, something about not being lonely. Still the boy was hugging him and the others had some limb on top of them.

It was really nice, Peter says its annoying to have siblings sometimes, but that he would rather have them this time around. He ignores the oddity of the comment, but the sentiment is good. When he asks why they are so nice Judith sighs theatrically.

“You are family now, my new brother in law, one day you and Peter will marry and it will be over for you” He chokes and he feels his face turn red.

“S-sorry?!”

“Yes, Peter has been already thinking it, well he is a simple guy so marrying in the mansion would be it, reckong you would probably want something else and-”

Marry? Marrying, marriage…..

“Jonah Fairchild sounds weird-”

That's Peter’s turn to choke.

He decides that Jonah Magnus Fairchild sounds good, just like Peter Magnus Fairchild.

They can share. Peter puts his face in the crook of his neck and makes a weird sound that makes his chest feel funny in a good way.

Aaron laughs at Peter and Judith starts to ask about what he wants for the future cake.

Its silly and stupid and its a dream and its also a possibility.

He likes his chances.

Jonah talks with mom and decides to try to stay in school, she looks nervously at him, but he assures her that if he starts to decline or something he will tell her or his therapist.

“I just want you to be ok this time” He nods

“I know”

Eventually he gets the cast off and soon enough he goes back to school.

He and Peter did have their date, they ended up going to the park to eat and judge the people around them while sitting alone together.

It was very nice.

On the way back they found a kitten in a box, the thing was small and it kept meowing sadly. His mom wouldn't let him have it, but Peter looked very happy, he lifted him and told him he would keep it.

“I'm going to name it Captain” Somehow staring at the white and brown cat it felt fitting.

“I like it”

School was fine, some of his classmates asked if he was ok and what happened. He told them he got really sick and that's why he couldn't go back last year. It was partially true.

He wouldn't see Jonathan or Barnabas until recess, at which point he was eating with Peter and talking about some of the things his Therapist Janet said. He was talking when he felt he was being watched and saw two shadows behind him. Peter looked annoyed.

“Hi Jonah” Barnabas spoke more quietly, both boys seemed sort of lost and it was confusing since his last memorie of seeing them was that fight they had last year.

Even if he can't recall what it was that he said, he knew that it was bad.

“Hello?” Peter snorts.

“Shouldn't you two be… away from here” The boys both stiffen and look at his partner who is giving them quite the cold look, it makes his heart beat go faster for some reason and his mouth turns in a smile. There is something about Peter being slightly vicious…

“We will keep it short” Jonathan gives him a look “... We are glad you are back and… ok Jonah, we really are. We were worried believe it or not”

“We… just wanted you to know and… and we are sorry too, for everything”

He stares at them, unbelievable.

“That's… not what i expected”

“No, but it's the truth. I missed you, it was easier to be mad than to admit it. I don't think… i would like to be able to talk again” Jonathan looks at him with a tired face. 

He wonders why everyone looks at him with either sadness or tiredness.

“...That-” He misses them too, but it still hurts “Maybe not now… but we could try?” The boy nods.

“That's fair”

“And um Jonah? I'm glad that you found someone to make you happy, i'm sorry for mocking you, you too Peter i wasn't… it wasn't right of me to be so cruel” He understands why he tells him that, but he has no idea why he is apologizing to Peter who looks to the side.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever don't do it again” Barnabas gives him a tight smile.

“I won't”

Jonah does have bad days, he still wakes up sometimes without remembering and feels terror course through him, sometimes he stays in bed and knows with a certainity that is terrifying that everyone is against him and that they hate him.

That its a matter of time before the shoe drops and something goes wrong.

He is snappier with his mom and Peter when he is like that, and after he feels terrible, because he is afraid that thats everything he will ever be, that he is dragging them down and hurting them and-

Jonah calls Janet and they talk things through to stop him from spiraling. She deconstructs every one of his fears until they are more manageable. Still he tells her that he feels useless like this.

“You are still healing and its a process there will be bad days, just talks things out and let the people you love know how you are doing, don't let it take you down Jonah”

He apologizes to mom and makes Peter his own cookies albeit he is not as good as him or Judith when it comes to cooking.

“I like them, you dont.. you dont have to apologize so much i know you aren't doing it on purpose”

“Yeah, but i dont… its stupid and i dont even know why, but… it feels bad when we fight, like it will end up with you leaving and it hurts” The boy looks at him and he sighs before kissing his cheek.

“Its not stupid, but if it makes you feel any better i promise i wont, and if i do.. call me out on it, i deserve it, just like i can call you out if you are being…”

“A bastard?” Peter snickers.

“Yes a bastard” Jonah holds his hand and Captain jumps to his lap and starts to lick him.

“Ssstop”

“Told you he didn't hate you”

Mr Sims class is…. ok. He doesnt ask questions anymore, figured Peter was right and he was being too nosy.

The man looked at him nervously, but he just gave him a blank stare, his partner found it hilarious.

It was rather ok until the first test. Apparently except for Peter whom he helped study everyone did sort of ok.

Thats when they came to ask if he could go back to ask quesitions in class.

“Its just… you made it easier to understand, Mr Sims is nice but he sort of drones out and goes out into tangents non stop, you kind of cut him off and put him on track-” Ashley gave him a nervous glance.

“Yeah, i honestly wasnt even sure what were we supposed to be studying” A bunch more agreed and it sort of threw him off, because last year he was convinced that everyone hated him and found his incesant questions annoying.

“I thought you all hated me being so…” They give him a look.

“Jonah… you really make class fun, it was boring when you stopped asking questions, most classes became a chore” 

Oh

He didnt think-

“I… will see what i can do, im… not feeling great to ask as much, but i can try”

So he does, its not a barrage like before, but he does ask more pointed questions and he actually notices the teachers looking relieved too. He didn't think they cared.

Mr Sims almost drops his book when he asks during class, it takes him a moment before he lets out a breath and start to rant, Jonah grins and keeps asking more-

The man is still his favourite teacher after all.

Still he wont bother him after class, he learned his lesson.

Ms Robinson drops him a few books and gives him a critical look, but after a while she sighs and pats his head before leaving again.

What the hell?

Peter goes to speak with the new counselor Mr Blackwood from time to time.

The man looked exasperated but sort of in a fond way, Mr Sims looked unnerved, but he held Peter’s hand and waved when he saw them.

“I don't like Mr Blackwood”

“Mm, i know dear, i don't like Mr Sims so i think we are even”

“... Touche. Still what do you even talk with him? Figured you dad could hire you a therapist instead of using the school's counselor”

“Mm its personal, but he helps with… some things regarding caring that i find difficult” He looks oddly at him but nods. He doesn't tell him everything he talks with Janet, so he gets to keep this.

Still, later when he is playing with Captain, Peter comes back with two cups of tea.

“For you…. i hope you like it” He blinks and takes a sip, its a little too sweet, but Peter looks nervous so he smiles.

“Its good, thank you” The taller boy, and he feels bitter that he seems to be growing like weed, while he takes longer, smile shyly at him.

Mr Sims stops him after class and asks how he is, its a little odd, but he seemed genuine, so he answers as honest as he can.

“Better, or trying to, its… sort of a hit and miss most of the time” He nods.

“If… if you want to ask me more things after class i… cant promise i will available all the time, but i really don't mind, you made a lot of good questions and points, heh, i even had to do some research a few times at home because you stumped me” Jonah looks startled at him.

“I- assumed you were bothered by me asking so much stuff, most people are and- well you always ran off…” Wincing he coughs.

“Im… i have my own problems, they aren't your fault it's just that i'm still dealing with stuff and i accidentally took it on you, for that i'm sorry, i'm trying to do better” He never considered that the adult could be having his own issues.

“Sorry if i um, brought back anything unpleasant. I tend to do that-” Deep breaths, remember Janet “Sorry, i mean that i'm sorry that happened” He gives him a puzzling look, but he smiles at him.

“So we both messed up?”

“...Yeah”

“I think we can try again, so ask away whenever you feel like it ok?” Jonah nods and grins.

“Thanks Mr Sims”

He runs off and goes to look for Peter who was waiting on their table.

Good things can happen.

  
  


Jonah is having a sleep over at Peter’s, they are watching Pirates of the Caribbean while Captain sleeps in between them. 

Looking around he feels at ease, life is difficult, but he would like to try this time around to do better.

He hides his smile on Peter’s shoulder and wonders if this time their wedding wont be a bore. Considering he would be marrying a Fairchild and not a Lukas he reckons that the party will be wild.

“Say Peter?”

“Mm?”

“.... Where do you want to go when we marry?” He feels him sigh.

“Wherever you want little siren”

“.... i would like to go to a sunny beach” Peter turns and kisses him, making him dizzy.

“You are a menace and you want to give me an early grave” He laughs against him.

“No, not this time, this time you are staying with me for as long as possible, we will be old together”

“You were always old!”

“Shut up and kiss me” He does.

“No more divorces?” They are in his room preparing to go to sleep, Jonah is changing his shirt and when he turns he sees Peter flush, making him grin and turn his cheeks pink as well. 

“No. We can play pretend, its more fun like that”

“Will you ever tell anyone else that you remembered again?” Jonah gets up to the bed and lays next to him and hums.

“Its your fault that i did, but…. no. I don't think so, not for a long while anyways” Peter plays with his fingers.

“What changed? Why aren't you… so stressed?”

“... they don't hate me, none of you did, I was just spiraling and beholding wasn't helping. And… Jon was right, even if i didn't want to see it, it is a second chance, i realize now that i had the chance to see how things can change without the memories impeding me. Life… can be better, i can be better, so can you” He feels him shift and turn to look at him on his side.

“Sorry i made you recall” He shrugs and kisses the tip of his nose. It was an accident he knows, Peter didn't want him to remember, last week he saw the rings on his neck and he recalled the beach.

“Its.. ok I think it was always meant to happen anyway, besides… besides its not all of them, maybe that's why it's not so bad. I don't remember the apocalypse, I recall Jon killing me, but is vague. I can hardly remember being Jonah, or any of the ones after, except for-”

“Elias?”

“...Yeah, I remember being Elias the most sharply, everything else is a cloud of fog. I remember you the clearest, which is ironic”

“How so?”

“Figure that would be the first thing forsaken ate, too much loneliness and love”

“.....” He looks uncomfortable.

“It's not bad, it's nice to know”

“Mm, Jonah?”

“Yes?” He knows what he is going to say and it still fills him with giddiness.

“I love you”

“I love you too Peter” They put up the covers and they sleep tangling their legs. Captain jumps and stays at the bottom of the bed. He wonders if he can find Duchess and convince his mom to keep her, he misses his cat.

Jonah has all the time and help he needs to make this life better and to heal.

He worries about the people he hurt, he can't help it, but its not in the front of his mind, because he knows he doesn't want to repeat it or do it again. He just wants his husband, his friends and his family.

That's enough for him now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Jonah, he was at this point very firmly rooted in his belief that everyone was against him, even when they weren't, that he misunderstood all of their motivations and actions.  
> He had to forget, there was no other way, he wouldn't have stopped thinking otherwise. It would have stuck, but Peter triggered the memory of the beach with the rings.  
> As it turns out Jonah did have an anchor after all. Like he said, this time he didn't fall back down because he actually had people catching him and he realized that he wasn't going to become a monster. Still he only remembers what was important for his anchor, so only Elias' life, which is better in this case. Still he will struggle, but it won't be so self harming.  
> As for Jon, he did remember that he wanted to help him and he is still a kid, so he wants to be good and be in his life.  
> Thanks to those who read and commented it really made my day, i hope you liked the story and the ending!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!!! If you liked it leave me a comment.  
> Each chapter will be from a different character perspective, so next is Simon and how he ended up adopting Peter and his siblings.  
> The rules in this verse are somewhat simple, the fears exist still, but weaker, some people get to remember, but others never will. Avatars can still use some of their leftover powers, how strong they are depends on the person.  
> Enjoy


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